14th December 2010

Growing up I had little to no guidance from adults, I mean I was left to my own devices alot, left to discover my own moral standards as my influences weren't exactly angelic. I mean when i think of it metaphorically I imagine myself, in a big empty room trying to decide what to do. thats how i imagine my childhood. Me, little and confused trying to discover the right thing to do.
Dont get me wrong, i had a loving family but being an only child in, at times, very tumultuous surroundings made me quite a suspicious and confused person. I mean with people around you doing one thing yet feeling like perhaps theyre not doing what theyre supposed to is a pretty challenging state of mind for a 6 year old.
i believe as humans we naturally have instilled within us a moral standard. It is the oustide world that changes these. i mean of course there are exceptions, sociopaths, narscicists, psychopaths, people with a different chemical make up to the average human being, but i do believe people in general are born good.
It is merely our surroundings that can create evil. 2 girls born on the same day, both healthy and crying, soft little new born sponge's ready to soak up the world they are presented with, one born into a big, kind, loving, down to earth, educated and middle class family. The other born into a lower class, small family, living in housing commission with no support network, no education and a history of violence. Dont get me wrong, these are stereotypes and generalisations, but alot of the time these 2 girls will grow up to be 2 women worlds apart. Its the way of the world, The cycle of the rich getting richer, smart getting smarter. basically what im saying is we become what we are fed, we become the world around us and if we are presented with limited options, limited positive figures of influence we can grow into bad, lost, angry, sad people. Whatever.
Growing up with noone around and noone really telling you whats right or wrong leads to a rather confusing state of mind.
And ive discovered of late the battle I have been in; trying to keep my core morals alive when i'm not even sure if theyre the right core morals to have.
I imagine having a large, loving family with a consenus as to what is right or wrong makes it alot easier to have a more concrete idea of who you are. I however didnt have this so i was left kind of floundering around trying to decide for myself what is right and wrong, its still to this day why I get confused about my moral values and what type of person i am.
Its been a constant battle between the person i desire to be and the person I can sometimes become. Or the person society was telling me was right and the characters i was surrounded with.

I am an out of control drug taker, an alcoholic, a cynical closed off confused person who hates the world due to an intrinsic warped hatred of myself, and i am also an emphatically joyous, immature, intelligent, light, caring and patient person who is slowly learning to love not just others but myself aswell. The latter is who i can feel deep inside me, the adult I as a child should have become. The first is what the outside world told me was ok, that darkness was my saviour from ever having to get to know the real me, from ever really having to get to anybody else. Drugs make it so easy to get lost in the confusion, they make it so easy to never really have to get to know yourself or anyone else for that matter.
They allowed me to think I had a real social life, real friends, a real idea of who I am, when in reality it was a mashed up version of non events and blurry memories, regrets and horrible nights out that resulted in days of anxiety. These are the reasons i believed i was so cynical, these are the reasons i felt so iscolated. i was iscolating myself.
To start a life without them is almost like a rebirth, a terrifying but exciting new begining where i will feel awkward in social situations but proud when i go home at 11pm and tuck myself into bed knowing i did nothing to be ashamed of.
I know i am an addict, I know I have used drugs and alcohol as a crutch for much of my life, they are what started relationships and what ultimately ended them, they are what made me happy, but destroyed me, they are what fuelled friendships and what ended them. TO be wasted makes me feel free of the constraints of my life, but really it is the jail that has always kept me from ever truly being free.
The thought of life without them is terrifying but in the most exciting and hope filled sense.

Give me the strength to do whats right, because i cant keep being wrong anymore. And if you know me and you care then keep them away from me and know that i want this to be it for me, 24 and just learning to walk without anything jading my view. I want freedom.

D.

It is easier to hate.
It is easier to push the light away, to never see it in the first place.
Be a mean mother fucker, thats what you taught me,
never acknowledge the pain.
But its easy to be strong when their aint no heart to break, right?

Life.

What is the purpose of existence? Love. Thats it. Just to love and to be loved. Nothing else matters. Give up everything if it means you can have it, give it all up if you know that its real. Life without love isnt a life at all.

Garmonbozia

No matter how sad you are it cant kill you, we can withstand anything to do with our emotions, pain, heartbreak. None of that can kill us yet it hurts so much more than the physical. Burn, cut, bruise my skin. I would swap you.

Where are you.

I needed you right now. I know you could feel it. I asked for it, just for a moment for you to care for me, stay with me, give me what you know i need; yet I got nothing. I feel the distance growing further and stronger and the iscolation burns me like a flame.
Is to love not to give, to make the pain go away? To do whatever you can to ease it if only for a minute?
I am not easy because my life doesnt let me be, and if you could have felt even the slightest sting of what i'm feeling then you would be here making it ok for just right now. Not forever, but just this moment when company would have made it better, when the warmth of someone next to me could have made the flood gates close.
Maybe i am unreasonable, maybe im not, maybe i expect too much but i would rather that than expect nothing at all. The nothingness of this. Of feeling the love flicker like a flame in the breeze. If you could make it all go away, would you?
There are things we can forgive and there are things we cant, and what i want, what i expect is that you would do whatever you could to make it hurt a little less.
I looked to you for safety and you gave me none. I looked to you for kindness and love, you gave me none.
The twisted thing is this is just the same as the past, as the reason why i needed you right now. The abandonment of father, of lover. You take from me what you need and in this moment when i need you most you are not here.
When you walked out the door I felt the distance slice through me like a sword. I want to say its ok, but im still crying and my hands are shaking and you left me broken down and alone in this bed. Maybe, you are not the one for me.

I was happy.

what is life without sacrifice? What is love without sacrifice? Didnt someone once say "love is the greatest sacrifice of all" Or did i just make that up?
We are in a time in which walking away is so easy, there are so many people in the world that even when we do find one we can stick with there could always be another just around the corner. Is the point to forsake all others, or just forsake others til shit gets too hard and we bail?
There are girls like me, but they wont have all the parts of me. I have a dark side that makes it hard for me to relate to alot of people, i do some pretty crazy shit sometimes for god knows what reason, and these things are a part of me, it is what differentiates me from everybody else. Our past and our problems are what define us, what make us unique. The things that bring us pain, the little scars and wounds we carry are our own, some can wear them with pride others are ashamed and some can hide them so well you would think they didnt have any at all. This is what makes us ourselves. I carry mine well and at times i forget i even have them, but then the bottle goes in and i reach down into the pit of my self, down into my guts where noone else can see and i rip it out from within me. Some people get drunk and start a fight, some people get drunk and fuck a million people or flirt or smash a window. I get drunk and I can become dark. Hurt myself. but not stop drinking, keep going further and further down until i spew it out all over whoever is closest to me. some people choose to think of the good times they have with me, others can think of nothing but the bad. i understand this. It is noones job to sacrifice themselves for another person. but i can only be one thing for so long until you find out i am many. I can only be one thing before the others rear their heads and show you they are here to.
To love doesnt mean to sacrifice, it means to accept. Accept eachtoher for everything you are, not just parts.
But i understand it is different with me, at times i make it near impossible to love me. at times i dont even love myself. But if you do and you say it and you tell me 'I love you', you tell me you will be here until the end, that you accept me not just for now but forever, then please mean it. There is only so much that i can take, and i dont know if i have it in me to do this again.

If i could tell the world just one thing, it would be..

It is a terrifying feeling to realise that what you once knew to be the truth is infact a lie. Even when the lie is no longer relevent and life has grown and morphed into something better and different, the realisation still feels like a death.
And all that is left is this feeling in my stomach that i want to throw up out of my body, rid myself of so i can feel new and separate, shake it off me like a bad case of fleas.
Today is a bad day, if the rain subsides then tomorrow will be better, i just need to think of Nigels smile and see that i am in the future, with him and myself and my dog and that this is real, all the other shit was just passing time.

Yes please.

You are someone else, i am still right here.

If only i could take back what i once felt, i wish i could say i learnt something other than the ability to cut someone to shreds with my words. 2 years of memory, of still holding a piece of you close. Thinking one day we would meet again and laugh, drink a beer, have a friendship. I have a part of you that you cant get back, but you have nothing of me. You used to own it all and now, now it's someone elses.
If I could go back and never have met you, i would in a heartbeat.
You were a mistake, and i want you to know it.

Free, to a good cause.

When everything is shiny and golden in one aspect of life another part starts to itch and ache for something else. i want my life to mean something, not just to myself but someone else aswell. a stranger. I want to give something that only I can give, I dont want to feel replaceable, regardless of whether I am or not. Work is work is work is work, but right now, i need more. Life is too short to waste being hidden, i am this way for a reason and I dont want to be any other way even if it would make a structured life more feasable.
They say change is as good as a holiday. GIVE IT TO ME.
Give me shelter with no money, give me love with no job, give me an unemployed walk in the sunshine and sex in the morning after we sleep in.
Do you think anyone on their death bed has thought "god i wish i worked more, please give me more time to work". Give me my rent money and an apple in the park. A lazy sunday with three bucks and a bottle of wine.
But life aint like that. And don't i know it.

SIMPLIFY EVERYTHING

Sometimes I don't know why people aren't walking down the street beaming with happiness, jaw's on the floor in amazement at all the beautiful things around us. Today i stood under the blossoming Jasmine tree and i almost cried. It was the first time i'd seen it in bloom, i wanted to lay under there until darkness, i wanted the leaves to fall and bury me. Simplify everything. The way the clouds creep in like a murderous thief stealing sunshine but leaving us fresh summer rain. Letting us feel the safety and warmth of our houses. So fucking lucky. If only this could be it, the feeling of nothingness and everything at the same time. Feeling connected to the earth the way we should. Feeling the moistness under our feet, not running from the rain but letting it wash us away. I wish we could always feel this way, the warm glow of the bedroom, the safety of the dog lying next to me. Safety. I have it and i am lucky to know that i have it. The simplicity of happiness. If only i always knew it were so easy.
This is what it is, if i could ever explain again, this is always what i've wanted.

Simplify everything. Its the only way to be happy.

Life is about creating more life, embracing every lifeform, making things better. Not destroying for the purpose of personal gain. I want to be the change, not the problem. I want to accept not turn away. I have been making things worse by being closed, i want to be open to everything and everyone. Its so much harder than it seems.

Sorry...?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRc6mHS9PjE

Fire.

So i feel as though our generation is one of apathy. Myself included. I find my self in a constant struggle, desiring something; change, betterment. Wanting something so badly yet not even really sure what. And thats just it. Unsatisfaction. We all demand immediate satisfaction yet we are not really even sure in what form that satisfaction will come. We accept the unacceptable not because we have to but because we just dont fucking care enough to deny it. Passion is so pase'. We are distracted by a phone with marginally higher resolution than its predesceser, by a pretty face, by titties on the tv that we are too busy staring at shiny colours to ask why the colours exist.
I want to want more, but im not sure if i can, it is so easy to slot into a comfortable position on the ride and fall asleep until its over. Does life not deserve more respect than that??
I want to be angry, I want to throw my hands into the air and scream for answers to the questions weve all forgotten to ask. I want MORE but i just don't know where to find it or what that more really is.
I suppose thats it though right? The 'more' that I want, is the mere desire to WANT at all.

Its so fucking easy to be lazy, but thats not what life is about. Life is hard, it should beat the shit out of us. At the end of the day we should be tired and sore but aching for another turn. I want to die full but still hungry for life.

BE A BETTER PERSON

Rabbit hole.

Today

Sometimes we think the grass is going to be greener, as though what we see in someone else (perhaps what we lack in ourselves) is what we need.
We fight and i look fondly at another handsome man and think, god life would be easy with him. I get wasted or dissappear for a night, you get mad, we fight and i think fuck wouldnt life be easier if i were with someone who did the same things i did, took the same drugs, thought the same thoughts, it would be so much simpler with that other person who struck my interest once upon a time. We wouldnt fight or squabble or question our relationship, it would be easier than this.
But then i remember; i know you, truly and completely and you know me just the same. There is nothing we can find out to hurt us, no deep dark secrets or moments of regret. This is it. And there is nothing scary about that, infact its the most reasurring feeling in the world.
The knowledge that someone knows you with all your deep dark crevaces, your moments of immaturiy and regret, the times in which you act like an unstable teenager or hormonal woman. The insecurities, the anger, the saddness, the good, the bad, the in between. And they love you anyway, in spite and because of all those things.
Its human nature to question, to look at our peers and see beauty or find yourself curious about the inner workings or sexual prowess of someone who isnt yours, but when youve spilt your guts all over someone and they didnt even flinch one bit then you know that shit is real and its worth it...
Everything else is just passing time.

Wednesday

You tell me its ok and i know you truly think it is, perhaps because what you went through was worse? So i keep searching for beyond what i can see, beyond what the gods have presented, as though maybe somewhere my potential hides away waiting to be found. I feel the fist against my cheek, it doesnt make me sad, nor angry. It feels like a long awaited plan has been realised, the journey just reached the destination. And grandma tells me 'go home for god sakes!' Again, because she was around in the depression and i am merely a product of a selfish generation, I dont know about pain. I am only 18. I watched the needle hit the vein and the blood pour out like a river. I watched you watch me, and i thought why did you do that to yourself? You lost our lives in the sorrow of your past, you let it eat us up and spit us out, now i look for answers in the same places you did. I felt the hard knuckles in my cheek bone, a fierce whack. The bone burnt the next day. Did you really want to hurt me? It felt as though you did.
I ran away on the train early that morning and the trees seemed to offer answers, the further i was from myself the better. Now im here, in this place, still remembering myself back then. a baby.
You tell me i am lucky, perhaps i am. But what i see is my truth, not yours. Sometimes it feels like the weight could break me in half.
I remember crying at the bottom of the stairs and saying to the police lady "why did he do this?" She smirked. I remember that like yesterday, like a thousand needles breaking the skin and an endless fist upon my face.
Do i forgive you? Sometimes.
But i punish you by punishing myself.

You threw it away? so easily without a thought. The honest words of regret seem to mean nothing to what you made me. I am nothing if not loved or loving and i try my best to be what others want of me, what you want. I spent years apologising, making amends. To him. Beautiful him. And now you. My beautiful you. Its all too familiar and underwhelming. Yet i dont feel enough to even cry. We opened up the doors to what was still inside. You let it out and now i cant get it back in.

2007

"I think its funny to be cynical. At times hating on the world seems like the only entertaining thing it has to offer. And sure we've all been shat on, picked on, hated on, we all have reasons to hate life, to feel as though it owes us something... but why bother? If you let all that shit build up inside you, fester into this dark, unappreciating attitude then who wins that round? Definately not you. I listen to people say how they hate so and so or hate work and never want to get a job, never move out of home, spend their time complaining about having no money, yet hating on people that do. I have this solution, and it may sound crazy....but get off your lazy self appreciating ass and do something about it.

The world will never stop for us. It keeps turning and changing and continuing on without us if we are standing still. So why not at least try? We have what, 70/80 odd years here? We'll be too tired and worn out in our 70's to do what we should be doing now. Yet thats always how it goes, hate life up until your death bed and then beg death not to take you because theres so much you havent done. We can only ever get from life what we put into it, We can only take from life what we give it and if we are only giving it apathy and cynicism then we'll be fed shit for the rest of our lives.

And im not saying i want to live in some happy world where everyone gets along and we all work 9-5, and make friends with every person we meet/but if only for ourselves- lighten the fuck up. Noone ever enjoyed anything by moping around and bitching all day long.

For example, (lacking a good one) when steve irwin died. Australians were devasted- and for good reason, the man was an icon. How could you not be sad? Sure he was fucking irritating at times, but it was always comical and he did alot of good work without claiming too many props for it. The majority of people were devasted. Then you had the people who spat negativity onto the whole situation "wahhh who fucking cares he was a wanker, he was annoying, he had so much money, he was a show pony"

The man dedicated his life to environmental conservation and wildlife. He died a pretty fucking horrible death and people claimed to be unaffected. Why? Because it would have been normal to feel something about the situation? because the majority of people felt the loss? and god forbid you be similar to the rest of the world, god forbid You have something in common with the man in the suit walking to work or the mum taking her kids to school. Fucking hell. Get a grip.

Being apathetic and negative does not make you an individual. It makes you depressing and shitty to be around. The effort it takes to be that type of person is far greater than just being happy. People say it is realistic to bethat way, "i'm not cynical, im a realist". Please spare me. I have lived both lives, i have seen life from the eyes of a depressed, angry, apathetic teenager, i spent 20 years of my life living like that, until i realised it takes alot more effort being that person than just relax into what youve got. There is an endless founatin of oppurtunity in this life, We are lucky enough to live in australia where we can do whatever the fuck we want. There is alot of darkness and evil in the world. Kids killing kids, man bombing their fellow man, civil wars are breaking out, where you cant walk down the street without fear of being shot or killed by a fucking machetti. Women cant show their skin, have more than one child or even work to support themselves, Even in the northern territory children are raped daily by their fathers, brothers, uncles. Yet here we sit in the heart of sydney, surrounded by anything you could ever need or want, able to walk around the streets blind drunk in the middle of the day, able to read what we want when we want, buy what we want, live how we want, work for a year an dthen get up and leave to travel the world and yet WE are the ones who are apathetic and dissapointed by life??? To me that is selfish, self involved, disrespectful and above all unnecassary.

I now see how lucky I am to live where i do and have the oppurtunity to work and make money, to live in independence and freedom. I am lucky to know people who are so affected by the deaths of people in the public eye just because they know their face. I am lucky-ecspeccially as a women- to have the chance to work full time, live independently and make money for myself.

All i can say is, pull your head out your ass, look around you, stop being so fucking apathetic and dissapointed otherwise youll be 70 years old wishing you had another chance.

End."

Antifoundationalism

1. An antifoundationalist believes that life is defined by personal experiences. Therefore a person's view of life is an "ongoing self-corrective process" in which "knowlege changes with time." In this respect knowlege is transient, existing only until something better comes along to replace it

2. To an antifoundationalist, learning is only something which man uses to comprehend what society thinks. An antifoundationalist believes that everything exists only because we believe it is there. Therefore reality only exists for the individual, because everything we perceive is from the individual.

3. Antifoundationalism is the rejection of the idea of a single unified whole in which everything is ultimatley interrelated. The existence of what we call knowledge only exists because we have created it.

H

There is a part of the world i want to keep hidden, an ignorance i choose as my own. There is a moral standard I will always keep, and i will keep it quietly without exposing it to anyone. I keep it quietly while I watch so many people just like me let it slide. It is my standard because of my story, because of the experiences ive had.

I know we all have different stories that lead us down our different paths, but it is so clear that this in particular is a journey with no destination. A plight with no cause.
There are some things that cant be trivialised and for me this is one. I will do alot of things, almost anything, but not that.

The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer? ...

There are several things that i am truly passionate about, one is love, one is my desire for knowledge and my instinctual craving to know more about things, curiosity i suppose. I love to write, i am better at writing than i am at speaking, in the sense that my thoughts are never conveyed truthfully enough through my mouth, yet when it comes to putting them down on paper it seems natural to me, as though being myself is a far greater task when the words fall on the ears of others. I love poetry, although its rare i write it anymore i have a great desire to put words together, whether or not they ever reach paper is a different story. I am passionate about my generation, the way society has morphed over the years, the way desires have changed, morals have distorted, I am deeply interested in our society and culture and i find myself writing lots of my own social commentary. I love music, new old whatever, I can find beauty in the most ridiculous songs and i dont think that is a bad thing at all no matter how embarrassed i should be about the songs that make me cry.
I am interested and drawn to the hard workers, people with not much money, people with a story, pain. I find the plight of others eternally facsinating and i could spend hours talking to a homeless man, yet can sometimes not bare to spend five minutes with someone my own age.
I find so many things in life beautiful, devastatingly so. And i have alot of saddness in me that i would never trade for anything, i believe saddness makes you more human and more visible.
I have fire in me that has been used for alot of useless things, fire that blew up into anger and rage and all sorts of situations that made me ashamed to be me. It isnt until the past year or two that I have felt that anger soften and found myself changing, growing and becoming more the person i want to be.
I am remebering passions that i forgot i had, my passion for writing, music, poetry, drawing. And animals.
I have an instinct that draws me to the helpless,t he sick, the injured, the messed up. And i look at the freedom of wild animals as one of the only raw and beautiful things left in the world. We are fucked, i mean when im completely honest our society is fucked. We are cruel to eachother, we are a greedy money hungry system, the good people are few and far between. And the ones that matter, the ones ina position to change anything or make anything better are solely driven by money and the desire for power. I am only 23 and I am already so sorely dissapointed by what i know of the world. The things humanity is capable of terrifies me beyond belief.
What i know so far of life is that in todays society we are not in control of very much at all, but the one thing we have ownership of are our decisions. The decision to be lazy or proactive, the decision to be informed or in denial. The decision to make our lives worth living, or to coast through the world taking the road more travelled.
What i have known for a long time yet have become even more informed about of late is our unwavering cruelty to animals, whether it be for food, clothing, money, entertainment. I am not ok with it. Just as i am not ok with our disgusting treatment of eachother.
To say we will achieve harmony, unity, world peace or anything of the sort is just grandiose romanticism, its unachieveable on a mass scale, but right here in my tiny part of the universe i can live as i believe we should.
I will not eat meat not because i believe vegetarianism is the only Right or Just way but because the only alternative is wrong and UN-just. Whether an animal is born to eventually be a pet or food it has the right to experience the basic freedoms of its life. They are what is beautiful and innocent in the world, and in lots of ways they are where we came from. We are animals just like them. We are superior only in the sense that we are capable of moral choice and rationale. To be comfortable with the person I am I need to be proud of the decisions i make, and i do not condone mass production of anything, let alone life for the purpose of consumption.

Dear you,

What you worship is ultimately meaningless, the universal purpose of life is so much greater than what is confined to your 4 walls or what i know you find important. It is not immaturity that makes me how i am, this is WHO i am. I seem carefree because i choose to be, I am happy because I dont let the meaningless dictate my life. I do not put value on the valueless because i have a spirit that desires more than that and what i want from life cant be found in an office or a pay check, worrying about the futile and inane. I will find it in the truth of my own life when it beats the shit out of me, when love and lust make me pour out endless tears, when the bottle beats me sober and the pain of the past renews my faith in a happy future, I will find it in the truth of the world, never confined to four walls.
I am free because I choose to be, through the aching of skin or the desire for more while recieving less, noone will ever own or be the boss of me. I am my own god, my own answer. And i wont ever change for you or anybody else.

Rewind

I wrote this a while ago on my other blog, i just re-read it and thought how much it still applies yet how much i have disassociated from the image i was writing about. I feel like this entry defines my thoughts on the subject and on my experiences as a young person. I was thinking these same thoughts today when i came across this writing and i realised ive thought all these things before.


The awkwardness June 24th 2008
Theres alot of things i notice, ecspecially of late with a clear mind and clear eyes, i see things i dont think i used to. Well maybe i did, but i chose to ignore them because subconsiously i knew i was part of it all too.
We live in a society and culture of cool, a time where it matters what you look like, who you are, what you do, who you know, how you act. It would seem embarrassing to some that i even bring it up because if it is talked about then it is true, if i say it then i mustnt be cool, i musnt be a part of the charade that has become this place and this time because if i was then i wouldnt notice it all. Its as though we have all forgotten where we came from, what we are. All just people born, grown, fed, loved, hated, young, old, pretty, ugly. We are all the same species who came from our mothers wombs and who will one day die. Maybe we wont even get to grow old, some of us will die of cancer or in a car accident, some will have a heart attack too young, some will marry, some won't, some will die with a loving partner, they will die feeling loved and satisfied, others will die alone and sad. And thats the way it is, but we forget. And i watch it all like pictures on a screen, all these people so goodlooking, so desperate to be noticed and seen as different. You can smell it as they walk by, the intrinsic need to be accepted yet still seen as anti establishment, anti society, anti mainstream. And at first they all seem so fucking legitimate, I think to myself; what the fuck am i doing here? my clothes arent cool, my hairs not done, I havent heard of that band or that artist and i dont know that person. Im just a fucking human. But when you watch it all, really watch it you can see.. It comes with a flick of the hair, a cross of the legs or a glance of the eye. and i see it, i know the awkwardness because ive felt it. The nervouseness of not being comfortable in your own skin, of watching everybody else because maybe they have a better idea than you, maybe they can teach you something you dont already know that will make you seem more like the person you want to be. The girl with the hair bleached until its dead and coarse, black eye make up and red lipstick, she looks good and everybody tells her so, but she wishes deep down her hair felt soft and could grow longer, she wishes they all liked her without the make up and the high heels and the masks and costumes she uses every night, she secretly doesnt like this song but she dances and sings along anyway because evrybody else does and although everybody wants to be so fucking different you'd better not let them know that you dont agree.
We can dress it up as much as we like, we can make it smell differnt, look different, seeem different but underneath it all its just the same.
We froget where we came from, we all came from our mothers, we were born naked and bare without music or make up, we went to pre school, we were kids and none of us gave a shit about any of it, it was just about fun and being alive and appreciating anything and everything. We made it up as we went along, traits to make us stand out and seem different.
today we are too busy appreciating ourselves to see anything else.

Our behaviour masks our insecurities and our coolness masks the secret desire just to be accepted, by someone, by anyone. By everyone. Yet never wanting that desire to be known. We think behaving a certain way hides the awkwardness from evryone else, and usually it does. Most of the time you can get away with it, until someone just as awkward as you sees you looking around the room searching for an approving laugh or smile and you realise the only ones who matter are the ones whove seen the naked you, the one who isnt trying, the one part of you that might still be bare and un made, lost and confused, totally unaware of who you are yet. Thats what we all really are, but just masked by the false confidence.
All the same, but so terrified of being the same, always trying to fit in, but always trying to be different.
Sometimes someone finds out, and they know youre lost before you admit it to yourself and once you admit it everything becomes easier, everything makes sense and none of it matters anymore; you can be free to really discover who you are without the desire to be cool, without the need for someone to laugh at your jokes or tell you youre good, because it doesnt matter anyway.


Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=9535216&page=2#ixzz0tdHZY6ts

Please

The most terrifying thought is that this feeling in my chest won't go away, I imagine a noose around my neck tightening all the time.. And just behind my eyes are a fountain of tears, my eyes are the flood gate. I want to throw up, and hide away and cry it all out, but i am scared they won't stop once they start.
I want to be away from everyone. From time, and space..from every memory i've ever had. I just want blackness until the feeling in my chest goes away.
Your friendship doesn't help. Nothing does.

Sour times

I wish you could see inside me and how uninterested I am in anyone else.
I wish you could know my devotion and how unable I am to touch another like I touch you.
I wish it were much easier than it is, much easier than we make it.

He said you were grey and that he was red. So what colour am I if I dont belong to either of you?

To be alone is so much scarier when it's real, but maybe it's all i'm capable of if you can't bare me either.

Monday

I seem to be in this constant battle between wanting to stay connected and feeling as though i need to dissaccoiate. Life is either this string of meaningless random events or a deep intergrated part of something more. I dont think i believe the latter, but what i mean by it has more to do with nature and my desire to feel like i am not completely disassociated from it. A cat followed me home today, i sat down and was patting her for a long time, i felt really sad while i was sitting there at the end of my street because she was so unaffected, so unaware of everything that goes on, unaware of pain and saddness, or anything else that plagues us. Me. All she knows how to do is live and be loved. She didnt know that i was sad or what was going on inside me..It seemed simple, it always does when you look at shit through the eyes of any other sentient being besides fucking humans.. We see everything all twisted and out of shape, i think we lost sight of what life really is when we introduced a value to everything, to the land, to the tree's, the air, to the animals. A rabbits worth $15, a mouse only $3, some dogs will cost you over a grand nowadays. I'm torn between giving up and becoming a complete consumer, eating up ignorance and living a blissful existence inside my own stupidity or screaming and crying about all the pent up disgust and contempt i have for this place. For what it has become. For the people, the lack of purity. I admit right now im down, i'm really fucking low down in a place i havent been for a while, its funny how writing comes so easily when i feel this way, as though the only reality worth writing about comes from saddness.
I watch the news and see young girls screaming for these worthless idols, not because they made any kind of informed decision to like them, not because they offer anything good or even interesting to the world but because we are now so controlled that one famous person can demand the attention of an entire generation. Kids are told what to like, what to listen to, what to wear. Society now gobble up any piece of money making pie that is fed to them. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me want to leave this place, everything in it and become something new and clean. The city makes us dirty and angry. But what else is there to do? where do you go? Whatever we try to escape will manage to find us somehow, we need to pay to sleep in our house, we need to pay to sleep on open land. There is a price for everything, even getting old.
and its scary, its scary how plugged into this invisible map we all are, how un-free we really are. How controlled we have always been. There is no empowerment, only a dissilusioned belief that is instilled in us to make us feel as though we're free so they can take our pocket money when we aren't looking, so they can tell our kids they can be anything they want! You better work work work kiddies, Make that fucking money! Thats what life is all about!.. Is that where the happiness is? Is that what i need to teach my kid in order for her not to become a drug addict or a fucking prostitute? Give me a break. We worship false idols, we hail at the feet of all the wrong people and things, we are merely a part of the scenery because our words are never heard and our will is never actioned. We are at the mercy of people much richer and much more 'important' than we are.
Its all a fucking comedy show, and the joke is on us.
So what to do? you know..this is the predicament. Swallow it? let it slide down my throat and dissappear with one big gulp, stop reading, stop learning, stop feeling jipped and just ride it without ever asking where it is exactly we are going?
Cos whats the alternative??
Things i've seen and felt of late have made me terrified of having a child, as though to bring another life into what we have now just wouldnt be right. As though i would be cheating her of a life before it even began.
How depressing right?
I dont know what happened to me to make me feel like such an imposter of a human being, what makes it so difficult for me to connect, to strap in and accept whats given to me. The questions i have are endless and infuriating, and some so complex even i dont understand them- i only know they exist because of the churning in my gut and the anxiety that plagues me at times like this.
I can get trapped inside my own thoughts, and sometimes its a scary place to be.

Fuck off

I woke up still drunk, my eyes are burrrrnnnnning.
oucchhhhh
So i understand im a menace to be friends with, i know i dont make it easy. Actually i make it difficult as fuck.
But does that mean that when i do become friends with somebody I have to accept anything even if it fucking hurts or dissapoints??
life is this massive wave of unpredictability and i dont particularly care if im required to ride it alone, it doesnt bother me. But society feeds us this ideal that we need to belong to some kind of tribe, some fucking community in order to be a functioning member of society...but what if i dont want it? what if im genuinely better off with fucking out it??? I spose thats not an option though you know... life is black and white, one must conform or else one must fuck off

Nigel is like this shining fucking light amongst all the bummers, this wholesome, genuinely good thing that shines goodness all over me. Even when im angry and dont want it, even when happiness is this far out of reach place i havent seen in days. Even when i cry for no reason, or tell him i dont want him anymore... i never mean it but arent the evil words so much easier to say?
Even when i come home at 3 in the morning crying my fucking eyes out drinking beer and rambling incessantly about my problems. He just lays there and listens, and i know deep down he thinks im stupid, i know he probably thinks im fucking insane alot of the time, but he never lets me feel like that. I often wonder what i did to deserve that kind of friendship, i didnt do anything good enough to feel worthy of it, but i have it and its mine, nobody else in the whole world has that genuine straight up devotion. I wish i wasnt such a weirdo and i could verbalise these things because i really dont think he knows.
Maybe he'll read this and think im an even bigger mental case for publiscising it to the world yet remaining unable to talk about it. whatever. all i know is i would be lost without that devotion, it lights up the darkness when i forget its even possible to be light. The deep, pure intent with which he loves me makes me feel worthy of being alive, even when i dont feel worthy of recieving it. So why do i need anything else? Why, when it makes me unfathomably fucking anxious, do i feel the need to participate? I dont think anyone truly understands how difficult it is for me to thrive in a social situation or to feel comfortable. I truly think im happier alone, friendship imposes this massive fucking responsibility on a person, this responsibility i would love to have if it was worth it, if somebody was genuinely worth it. If it was worth the fucking trouble. But it aint, and dissapointment is this unneccassary thing that fucking hounds you. and whats the point? So we can have the same conversation fifty times over and arrive at the same fucking pivot everyday? I dont want this sick feeling in my stomach,
i dont want to expect more yet recieve less. Leave me be in the world i have created, dont knock on my door anymore because nobodys fucking home.

NADA

So today i was walking home from work and i saw a girl who had a very influential role in one of my past relationships. I suppose you could say she played a negative role in it and I've always strongly disliked her to the point of even 'hating' her, yet today i saw her and i felt nothing, mere indifference i suppose. I even imagined myself walking up to her and saying "hey fuck sorry about all that shit that went down, its all cool now so lets forget about it" but then the stubbornness in me wouldn't allow it because it would be like betraying the old me that cared so much, the old me that hated her and was hurt by her.
But it made me think about relationships and how easily the feelings can fade, well not so much easily, but how its possible for such intense emotion to just fade, fade, fade until you barely remember feeling them at all.
This all led me to think about the reasons behind why we feel the despair we do when a relationship ends, i think i figured out that for myself it isnt really the fact that it ends, more so how it ends and that you commit so severly to something and then it fails. Its like any other life goal or dream not being realised and you think "but man i tried so hard and i really loved that person how could I fuck it up so bad?" and they think the same thing but noone ever mentions it, very few can sit down and say "you hurt me by doing this..." or "you fucked it up because of this..."
For example, my highschool boyfriend and i had a very tumultuous relationship, suprise suprise, but we're still down with eachother because we talked about all the shit that hurt us and made us feel bad or angry towards one another, its like letting go of all the weight that binds you both, you can let it go because you hear eachother and can accept that you both fucked up, you did bad things or maybe (as hard as it is to admit) you just werent right for eachother.
Instead we internalise it and let it fester into hatred or worse, apathy...

because apathy is the closest feeling to feeling nothing at all...

All i want in llife is simplicity, a nice day, a quiet morning, sleepy afternoons. sex. wishing and dreaming about the future. Hope, and being excited. Excitement is a feeling i never want to lose because to me it is a reminder of innocence, I get excited about looking up a cartoon i havent watched since i was 6 years old or cooking dinner with my boyfriend, going out to eat like a real adult because I dont feel like one all the time, and i suppose these things remind me that with every year that passes or age i grow into i still remain a kid, somewhere inside. And i wont ever lose that. Just like my mum gets excited about going out for sushi because she would never eat it of her own accord, or how my dad lights up when we talk about skateboarding because it reminds him of being a kid. They havent lost it. But so many have, Whatever it is, they just don't have it anymore, and thats fucking scary.

Mush

My nightmares are becoming less frequent, i understand this is because i am happier, less worried and life has become more and more simple lately, sharing all of my life with someone else who wants the same things, who isn't like anyone ive ever been with before, who takes care of me and who i want to take care of in return, its this undeniably reassuring feeling, like no matter where we are or what happens everything will be ok. And thats it man, like if you get that feeling you don't need anything else, its protection from the elements, its warmth when I am cold, food when i am hungry, safety when i am scared. But how can you tell someone that? How can you say it out loud without sounding like a fucking marshmellow or a badly written poem?

Something or other

I got followed home the other day. By some idiot who kept pestering me for a conversation. He ran up behind me and i thought he was going to grab me, but he didnt. When i told him to leave me alone he said "oh i get it, youre just shy when men speak to you" As though he intimidated me with his fucking masculinity or something.. when in reality i thought he was a fat disgusting derelict but was too wary to scream that into his face, no matter how much i wanted to.
Im not really afraid of many things, but since then i cant seem to relax. I think its the not knowing of whether the guy was a half wit or a legitimate psycho.
I hate that he knows where i live.
I hate the weakness associated with being a woman, the physical weakness. Because really any man bigger than me, who really wanted to could overpower me. Im quite strong and I would fight back but the odd's would be in his favour .. and i hate that.
I hate that if some arrogant fuck starts talking to me and i ignore him or make it clear i dont want to speak to him, he will assume i am shy. inhibited. or just rude. When really all i want is to be left alone, to be able to walk down the street without some horrible excuse of a man looking at me, shouting things at me, fucking following me.
It makes me feel sick.
My old friend used to yell at them everytime something happend like that, but whats the fucking point really, it doesnt help, it just draws more attention to the situation.
So i suppose we should just keep our heads down, ignore it, hope they fuck off.
Its just not fucking right.
Noone wants to feel invaded, noone should be invaded merely because of their sex. It just isnt fucking fair but there doesnt seem to be fuck all we can do about it.

Bukowski

I have a tendency to read things and find quotes or poetry that i want to remember but my brain is like an old fucking sponge that cant hold enough water.. so ive gotta just start posting it and i wont forget.

"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant."

— Charles Bukowski (Love Is a Dog from Hell: Poems, 1974-1977)

Times

Spoorloos

So i'm watching a remake of a Dutch film called Spoorloos (which translates to 'The Vanishing). I've wanted to see the original ever since i watched the remake for the first time a few years ago, but ive never gotten around to it. Apparently the remake is an insult to the original, so know i'm desperate to see the o.g.

I was just reading reviews and found this one;


This review is from: Vanishing, the (VHS Tape)
The Vanishing is a terrifyingly dark allegory of life and death and lost love. Raymond Lemorne (morne is the French word for gloomy, dismal) is death. Rex and Saskia are Everyman/woman caught in what is simply an artfully speeded up version of the life cycle. Think about that symbolic tunnel they pass through at the beginning. On the other side death awaits, inexplicable, ordinary and inevitable--just like Lemorne. And like Rex, we all deny the obvious and search for the lost loved one only to be eventually snatched away by Him ourselves. What is so unsettling to the viewer is the film's relentless subliminal message: the inescapable outcome of life and love is death and loss.

Getting it tomorrow.

“The past reflects eternally between two mirrors -the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn’t do or say”

So after a day like today and a minor emotional breakdown it seems i feel good again. Its as though once i make a decision about something i can move up and out of my state of self pity.
For some reason all i can visualise is riding my bike and listening to music, the sun's shining and Mayble is with me and everything feels good. Right now, moments like these are my favourite. Its as though my real life takes over and everything else falls by the wayside. I can be free. An over analytical mind is my biggest downfall, the way i attach myself to a thought and can't let go of it until it makes sense to me, so if it just simply doesnt make sense then i never truly rid myself of it.
Tomorrrow i'm going to wake up early and have a shower with Nigel, then i'm going to get a smoothie and go to work. I love it when he drives me to work, being awake together when the air still has that crispness to it, It makes me feel human and a part of something. I got really excited thismorning because he came into my work's cafe for a coffee, the smallest things can make me ecstatic. Like catching a train with someone ive never caught one with, or listening to a certain song as i walk past the harbour. I listen to "Poor Boy" by Supertramp at least once a day, i ecspecially like to listen to it while im walking through Circular Quay at around 7am, its as though im completely free of responsibility and weight when i listen to that song and for the rest of the day i feel completely unweighted by anything.

I was reading a bit of Shantaram the other day which is a novel written by Gregory David Roberts,i havent read much of it but from what i know he was a Heroin addict and convcited of crimes in australia but escaped and rellocated to India where he hid for many years, the book begins with this "It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what i know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant while i was chained to a wall and being tortured.. I realised somehow through the screaming in my mind, that even in ths shackled, bloody helplessness, i was still free: Free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesnt sound like much, i know, but in the flinch and bite of the chain, when its all youve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. and the choice you make between hating and forgiving can become the story of your life"


Ive talked about this before, inner freedom. Of course ive never been through any of the shit the author has been through but when i read it, it made sense. All the things that weigh us down, fill us with the weight of others and ourselves, theoretically it can all be escaped. Because (in my own life) it is a choice. The mind is a very capable thing, and with the enabling tools we can remove ourselves from situations, and choose how we react. The most frustrating thing about all of this is how aware i am of the fact. My old psychologist used to say i had a good insight into my own issues, which i find just makes the whole thing more infuriating because wouldnt you think you could reach some kind of solution when you know what the problem is?
Whether or not i'll ever really get to where i want to be emotionally is a question i have absolutely no answer to, but what i do know is that I can be free of it all if i want to be, when im ready to be, and life isnt so fucking bad afterall.
I'm going to listen to records this weekend, watch movies, ride my bike and be rid of everyone and everything that reminds me of anything that hurt. Just for one weekend, completely free.

Iscolation

So i realised something on the weekend, no matter how much i feel like i grow or move away from things of the past it still all remains while i associate with people connected to it. No matter what i do, or however much i move on there will always be someone to remind me of things i have long wished to forget.
Even people that i have come to love and care for will always still bring it up, whether in their minds it is for my own good or for sub concsious satisfaction, who fucking knows how the human mind works. But what i do know is that i want so badly to move away from it. How can anything ever change when i choose to let the things around me remain the same? I am sick of talking about it, of being reminded. I am sick of the past making it so fucking hard to appreciate my present and my future, but the only reason this is the case is because i let it be. So what to do?
My job is fun, i love the people i work with and most of the time im happy when im there, but its draining and i get so tired. The job entails me to perform constantly, always happy and energetic, always running around and talking to people, being friendly and making conversation without it seeming forced, giving people my personality so they can have a fun day. Im ok with this, but today i just felt so tired, as though all of me was just..gone, drained because i'd given it to everyone else around me and all i could do was think about everything i internalise. When you feel completely drained of energy there is nothing left to distract you from how you really feel.
My past makes me feel lost, it makes me scared. It is as though i have no control over myself when i think about it, as though i become this weak person who is defined by a past relationship, past friendships, past mistakes. Alot of people in my life remind me of these things, therefore the thought of them brings up these emotions aswell. Which isn't fair, its not fair on me and it isn't fair on them. But i cant help it.
So, what do i do?
I need to get away, mentally. I need to escape all the shit that brings up these feelings so that i can realise how incredible my life actually is. Because IT IS. The life i have here at home is so full of happiness and love and comfort. I have a life here that is full of possibilities and for the first time i am planning things and looking towards the future with goals. And i may be afraid to completely let go of everything else, i suppose its that human, youthful fear of missing out on something, but what i'm begining to see is that if i don't let go of it then i will never truly be happy.
It may seem selfish to forsake people simply because they remind me of bad things in my life, but who cares? Isn't that what life is about? Living as happily as we can without hurting people around us.
Noone will ever let me forget my past if they think they know all about it or if they are still involved in it, I cant truly be happy if everything i surround myself with makes me feel scared and lost.
So i've got to get away from it all for a while.

Lynard Skynard- Simple Man 1987

If they didn't all look so comical this would make me cry, fucking incredible.



Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

(Chorus)
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(Chorus)

Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

I love the shit out of you

There is no better feeling than that of human comfort. Knowing that someone is there for you, being hugged, loved, coming home to someone. Feeling wanted and being able to make another person feel wanted. Knowing that you are loved and loving them just the same in return.
I feel so safe and at home here, as though there is a world outside the doors but we aren't part of it because we have our own world right here. You and Me.
I love this feeling. It doesnt happen all the time but when it does i want to stay in bed with you, roll around and watch tv, tell stories we've probably told before, have sex, sweat, get hot and sleepy, eat food, hold hands while lying right next to eachother. Just be together, almost like children. Because thats what happens when youre in love, you can be a kid again, free in the knowledge that all pretense is gone, any mask that hid you or image that restricts you is gone when only with eachother. And i can thorw a tantrum or be childish and irrational but you won't get mad because maybe you love me for it, or put up with it because that behaviour is a part of me. And it makes me feel safe here, with you. I haven't really had that before, the feeling that you would never leave me or abandon me. I think thats the feeling ive missed out on for most of my life, comfort.
..And now i have it because of you.

Wednesday

I just have this lack of care at the moment, I feel like everything is staying the same and so am i to an extent, however the everything that used to interest me just doesn't anymore. I suppose what i meant in my writing last week was that i seem to be becoming more and more detached from all that i used to be involved in. It feels good, as though maybe something else is happening. Or maybe I'm making other things happen and not just being taken along with the waves of familiarity. Same old streets on the same old day.
But today it feels like life, real life. Like waking out of a dreary dream and leaving all those characters behind for a while.
Leaving it all behind for something else.. Even if i'm not quite sure what that is yet.

The thing is,I don't care about music festivals, i don't care about seeing bands, i don't care if i miss something that would seemingly leave me behind. I have no desire to be the prettiest. I find no need to be desired by all or even some. Male attention makes me uncomfortable when it is given to me by someone i don't desire back. I don't need money, i like it because it gives me some level of freedom (no matter how much i wish that weren't the case) but tangible things have never been my desire.
A girl I know said she would only accept an engagement ring from her boyfriend that valued at $20,000. I couldnt grasp this. I couldnt understand and i still cant. How can people feel that life is measured by things?

What ive learnt is that it is the spaces in between the stuff and things that make up our lives.

"When i look at a tree i don't look at the leaves, but the light that shines in between them"

My dad told me that quote yesterday and it made perfect sense.

Sleep

I have nightmares alot, usually about snakes or trying to fly away from something that never seems to make sense in the morning. My most common is running away from a large faceless man, i never know what it wants to do to me but i know it isnt good. I need to get away. I run to my house thinking it should be safe there but the door never locks, i try to hold it closed, sometimes Nigel is there too trying to help me shut it out, i say "it" because i know its not a man, its an energy, a memory. Every time the door opens and its about to burst through i wake up and i cry or shake and Nigel is there to make me feel ok but the feeling stays for a long time afterwards.
There is no worse fear than whatever it is thats chasing me but sometimes i wish i could stay asleep so in my dream i could face it, let it get me or show itself so maybe the nightmares would go away and i could understand why my dream world is so incredibly different to how i feel when i'm awake.

As the Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.

I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

Charles Bukowski

Monday

Listening to Nigel play guitar
Bike riding
Playing the guitar when nobody is around
101.7 FM
Not having nightmares
Feeling sane
6 drinks instead of 30
Mayble lying next to me

Nihilism, Tell me more..

"Someone who rejects all theories of religion, An absolute skeptic; a person who believes in the truth of nothing.
A sense that everything is unreal
complete denial of all established authority and institutions
The deliberate refusal of belief, to the point that belief itself is rejected as untenable.
Extreme skepticism, maintaining that nothing has a real existence.

the belief that there is no universal truth or underlying reality that undergirds moral values; that ultimately existence is meaningless. From the Latin "nihil" or "nothing".

Sounds depressing to some, but intriguing as fuck to me.

CONFIDE IN ME

Ultimately this is my belief; life is a jumble of meaningless moments, a clumsy coming together of events that make for a hilarious story (our lives). We are simply advanced mammals, intelligent and incredibly lucky to be so. But there is no higher meaning. None. We live/we die. I am lucky to have been born, if my parents fucked a few hours later, or dad drank another beer, or mum cooked dinner before they had sex i wouldnt be here, and that would be ok because who the fuck would know the difference?? Life would have gone on without my existence and maybe Aimee Vincent would be Andrew Vincent.
Life is beautiful, i love living, i love the earth and the sunshine, i even love people when theyre not pissing me off but that doesnt mean that i have to credit any of that to powers outside of things i can see and feel. I credit the beauty of the earth, to EARTH (funnily enough). I believe in the scientific creation of the universe, and THAT is fucking beautiful to me.. I dont need to search for something else outside of the grass and the animals, oceans and islands to make me believe that life is beautiful or meaningful.

The truth that everyone searches for is; there is no truth. Just a clumsy coming together of events.