I.O.U

Everybody's life goes on. Late nights, girls nights, cocktails, red wine, all the things I loved to do are now being done without me. It's ok, this isn't a lament - infact I still enjoy hearing all about it, the dramas in which I could have been embroiled, the gossip sessions that i'm sure I would have been a guest star in had life continued as it were. But here I am, in bed at 9.30 having spent the afternoon baking breakfast muffins and banana loaves, reading obsessively and watching documentaries about serial killers while falling in and out of sleep. The odd phone call and catch up reminds me that life outside remains the same and to not feel sad that it carries on as always regardless of my absence. Perhaps there had been a small part of me that thought life would be just that little more mundane without my mental behaviour at 3am, but there's always someone else ready to step up when necessary.

Obviously motherhood is life changing, however pregnancy is deceptive because although in a few short weeks my baby will be here and I will have embarked on real life, actual motherhood, right now I just feel like me; same old, able bodied me capable of doing all the things I used to yet restricted in the most important way possible..

The funny thing is, I dont actually miss it, I dont even wish I could be there, infact when I think deeply enough about it all I let out this big, relieved sigh of 'thaaaaank fuck'... because when would it have ended- the sleepless nights and unrellenting search for what would complete me? It wouldn't have because I was too blind to see that it was all right here, right infront of my stupid face, as I gazed into the abyss furiously searching for more, more, more the more I wanted was waiting patiently for me at home, waiting quietly in some little space inside me never arrogant enough to pipe up and yell "hey idiot, keep yourself company tonight, forget the bottle"
Of course this is my life, my story and by no means do I ever look down my nose at my friends choices, infact I cannot stand high and mighty pregnant women/mothers who scoff at their childless friends, mock their freedom and choices through some jaded belief that motherhood is the only path worth walking, because lets be honest - we all know that seering judgement i've heard so many times is laced with just a dash of jealousy and nostalgia. If only we could all admit that then perhaps the strain that can sometimes be put on mothers and their childless friends would be lifted.
The minute we are made aware of that baby inside us - life as we know it is over and that probably scares the living shit out of alot of women, just like it did me. But instead of looking down the barrel of the pregnancy gun and admitting "hey maybe there are some things I didnt get to do"or "gee willickers i might actually miss getting shit faced sometimes" alot of us merely scoff at our old lives, and I dont want to be that person. Because frankly it all had a time and a place and everyone makes their own choices due to their own story, for me in particular the path I was walking prior to my baby being concieved just didnt suit me anymore, I knew it deep down however everything was so engrained in what I knew as "my journey" that I had trouble breaking out of it on my own, I looked for answers in all the wrong places -
I looked for answers in my history, my parents, the bottle. I looked for answers where there werent any and spent so much time looking outside of myself that I had no idea who I really was..
..Dont get me wrong, I dont know exactly who I am right now, but we've been introduced, we're starting a dialogue and i'm beginning to think perhaps, just perhaps I'm actually not too bad of a gal.
As for pregnancy, well its been the biggest adventure of my life thus far, bigger and more important than any second that came before and the reason for this is because my baby has given me the gift of insight already, shes given me the gift of life without blinders and I owe her big time.

Ew

I just looked at someone I used to be in love with and felt grossed out. Not in a jealous, bitchy way just literally kind of grossed out by them. The look of them. Nothing meaningful happened, I just stumbled across a photo and thought 'yuck'.
This is a fairly momentus occasion for me, because I used to be petrified of that feeling, as though once we love we must always have some semblance of that passion for the person otherwise what was the point? I can't believe this is the feeling I was so afraid of, not disdain or hatred, instead its just actual nothingness laced with a small dash of repulsion.
For years I would cling to romantic sentiments and washed up memories that lost meaning eons ago but would replay in my mind like some sad old Roy Orbison record. Even when happy and in love with my beautiful husband there would still be moments of nostalgia because my ridiculous brain that romantisizes EVERYTHING refused to see what was blantantly infront of it; someone I am neither mentally or physically attracted to ONE iota.

Halloween 2012

Tonight is the first night i've truly wanted to go out since I fell pregnant. On a Saturday. At night. And the only reason for this is it's Halloween and my favourite time of year. Instead I had Milk and Cookies while watching "Friends with Kids"

I havent missed it at all, "going out", infact this time of sobriety has been such a revelation and I couldnt be more thankful to my baby for giving me that gift, but god damn, I would have loved a cider in the sun today followed by gratuitous dress ups and a disgusting night out.
She's squirming in my stomach as I write this, reminding me I may feel left out or lonely, but I am never actually alone.
Remembering that makes any night out or halloween costume seem redundant.

Family ties

So 8 months now, and my, how the bloody time has flown. Everyone told me 'time flies' but of course I didnt believe it, always so impatient I thought i'd be pregnant forever, that i'd never show and never feel her move as much as I wanted to. But here it is, almost time for her to arrive and it feels like this mad dash to the finish line, as though we're on one of those game shows where you have to rush through the aisles of Kmart or Target and grab as much shit as you possibly can before the timer buzzes you out.

We've become Gumtree.com addicts, sometimes I dont even know what i'm looking for yet i'm still looking. I still find myself perusing the pet rescue page every now and then swooning over puppies, kittens and rabbits - having to remind myself that soon my life will be, in a word, "dominated" by this new little creature we created and my fantasies of a menagerie will have to go on hold. Luckily Nigel "The Voice Of Reason" is always there to bring me down from my perch. I hope our baby has equal parts of us and isnt only her mothers daughter, otherwise we'll be drowning in animals by the time shes five.
I feel her moving all the time, strong determined movements as though theres not enough space anymore, which i'm sure there isnt. Sometimes she does funny things like moves in a pattern or does her "practice breathing" movements, she seems to have the hiccups at least 4 or 5 times a day, they're getting so strong now that I can almost hear them. Of course I cant really but they're so clear and forceful that they couldnt possibly be confused for something else anymore.
She makes me happy, already. We play little games now where she sticks her foot out and I tickle it, she pulls it away but sticks it back out again so I tickle it some more, sometimes she gets annoyed because I keep stroking her or poking her back so she squirms over to the otherside trying to get out of my reach. I cant wait to play these games when I can see her so she can look at me with interest and learn my face as i'll learn hers.
Shes already keeping me entertained, all day everyday. I even know what songs she likes. On Sunday we lay infront of the balcony doors with the sun streaming in and listened to music together, I know the songs she likes because she settles when I play them, when she doesnt like one she'll kick and squirm, so I change it to something more calming. Everyday is an adventure, every day is something new and exciting that we all share together, as though already we have created this little world that consists only of us and anyone else whose allowed in would have to be the luckiest person alive!

There is of course some fear, because what do I know about babies, i've barely even held someone elses let alone my own, but at the same time I feel in my heart that it will all be ok. When I walk into our home now all i feel is love, it oozes from the walls, to the kitchen, through the photos, our bedroom, the Nursery, all the way to our new spice rack. Its everywhere because we've made it so, it has become the type of home I wish I could have grown up in, secure and noisy with the smell of warm dinners wafting through the house every night at 7pm.
Life is becoming a wonderland, and the only thing that could possibly make it anymore complete will be our baby.
Family <3

Speak no evil

To me words are the greatest weapon of all, they have and always will be my power to express how I feel and have someone really understand. I relish in literary expression and when I read a good book can be truly transported into it, I feel lucky to have that ability because it's an escape not everyone can utilise. I know the power of my own words which is why I have learnt to tame them in a way. I used to be vicious, say things that perhaps I meant but should never say. If I wanted to hurt people with them, I would. And it wasnt until I realised the depth with which they could hurt a person I taught myself to hold them back. To this day I remember the hurtful things my father said to me as a child, or the flippent off the cuff remarks my grandmother would make about my appearance, I especially remember the things ex lovers have said in their darkest hours when all they wanted to do was break my heart. If you respect words then its almost impossible to forget them once theyve been spoken, which is why I find it so difficult to truly forgive those who have used theirs against me. I'm over analytical and at times this can mean I am unforgiving. Sometimes I wish it wasnt so, I wish I could let things wash over me and move on without the burden of memory. But I suppose thats just who I am, and trying to be something else would be a lie.

Monday

I hear small children talk about wanting more, I see them playing on the road, kicking a ball, the girls at the end of my street are unable to go to school because their dad has no lunch for them, the small aboriginal boy lags behind his mother who swears at him obscenely and tells him to hurry up. I hear people tell them you can still be what you want to be, but when there is no one to guide you through the darkness everyday and you're still just a baby then how can you escape the swamp? They can't do it on their own. I want to tell them it will be ok, but I can make no guarantee's, I want to grab their little hands and give them all the things they need. I want to say I understand, that it sucks and i'm sorry for the card they've been dealt. But I don't. I was once like them, playing in the complex, stealing food to eat, waiting for mums next pension, waiting in line. Housing commission. Centrelink. I was once like them...but now i'm me, and I'm ok. So maybe they can be too. I'm not hurt or afraid, noone harms me, I have people who love me and they can have that too, they need to demand it and settle for nothing less. I want to say although i'll never forget where I came from, I will never let it define me. We are not our past. I just wish a young mind could understand that. I wish they knew how powerful they can be.

The waiting game

I'm six months along now (yesterday to be exact) and can't believe how quickly that time has gone. Ive adjusted to it all, the fluctuating belly, the (incredibly) weak bladder, the pubescent skin changes and the way my heart almost beats out of my chest when I stand up too quickly. Most importantly ive adjusted to the idea and now all thats left is excitement (and slight impatience) So today I was reading these stories of other mothers reactions to finding out they were pregnant and thought back to my own hysterical reaction as though it were a lifetime ago. I had started keeping this "Menstral Diary" - how very feminine of me - It was a free app that i'd downloaded when I went a little app crazy on my new iphone, it was kinda useful because after 11 years of getting my period I was still as useless as ever at keeping track of when to expect it and was shocked every single time it came. So i'd started keeping this stupid diary thing that also gave you the option to add when you had sex or any notes along the way like moods, weight, boob size etc. So as a semi joke i'd added in just this one random day Nigel and I had 'done the deed' and also of course when my last period was. I remember coming into work and talking to my friend Laura, telling her my period hadnt come and I couldnt think of why, I was 100% sure I wasn't pregnant because i'd done literally 6 tests that came back negative and I just didnt "feel" pregnant as such. So we threw around excuses and possibilities of confusion with dates and everything else a girl does when in denial. We came to the conclusion "It will come, its just late. IT HAPPENS!". On the morning of the March 19th I woke up and remembered I still had one pregnancy test down stairs from the plethora I had purchased when in my "i'm late" panic. Sat on the toilet, peed on the stick, placed it on the side of the bath and continued about my business. I was so sure it would be negative that I barely paid attention to it, I know a part of me wanted it to be positive which is why I was so flippent and assured of the negative result (all part of a defence mechanism I devised in childhood "never have high hopes so you can never be dissapointed") plus there had been so many negative results, as if this one would be any different! ....So I finally looked down and saw the faint second line that had been absent for weeks prior to this moment. It was faint, but it was there. My heart exploded into my throat, like a freight train of feelings flying through me a thousand miles an hour. I ran upstairs where Nigel was sleeping and declared "I'm pregnant!!" It was a statement laiden with hopefullness and fear, excitement and trepidation. I fell onto the bed and started crying uncontrollably. I went through so much last year, including the loss of a pregnancy that broke me in half for a long time, I went through so much that i thought if I had to go through anymore I mightn't make it, that maybe anymore saddness would just break me entirely and I would cease to exist. This was my fear...not the baby or the pregnancy, I never had any fear about my capabilities as a mother, I feared I may not get to be a mother at all. I flailed downstairs to call my best friend and splattered the words to her over the phone as she broke down and cried too, I have a feeling her reasons for this reaction were much the same as mine as she was there through all the shit of last year and knew I had only just recovered. Nigel being the sensible, patient man he is was calm throughout it all and suggested maybe not calling anyone else until we at least see a doctor, but me being me had already dialled my mum, then my nan and then forced the phone into Nigels hand so he could call his parents. Patience is definitely not one of my virtues. Throughout the fear was my joy, my hopefulness and sheer excitement. I couldn't possibly lose another baby, I thought, this one will work... and all these feelings flowed through me at the speed of light. Everyone told me to not get too excited, to wait until the three month mark before telling anyone just in case...just in case. But I knew this baby was ours, she would be strong because I would do everything in my power to make her so. The feelings that came afterwards were strange, I would describe it as a numbness that washed over me, it was as though the thrill melted away and suddenly I was numb to what was happening inside me, walls shot up and I wrapped myself in a concrete exterior that no baby talk or hopes for the future could penetrate. I realise now it was because I was so scared of losing her, everyday led me closer to the time I'd lost my last pregnancy and it was as though until i'd passed that milestone I could never truly relax and let myself feel for this baby inside me. That teamed with the intense morning sickness, depression due to hormonal changes and having to travel for work with early starts and late nights in a house that wasnt my own - I didnt know how i would last - I sunk into a depression faster than I knew possible and although I was being told "its the hormones, its the hormones" when you feel an emptiness like that nothing anybody says can make you believe it isn't real. I waited patiently for the 3 month mark because apparently thats when it all subsides, the sickness passes, the moods lift and you can begin to enjoy your pregnancy. Bullshit, I thought. How will these feelings ever pass? how will I ever stop feeling the urge to vomit every 10 seconds night and day? Impossible! But it did, it all passed. And come the 4th month I felt stronger and healthier than I ever have, I felt the past 3 months fall off me and my soul lit up again with all the hope I had felt that first day. Since then every day is an adventure, feeling her grow, watching myself grow. Feeling her tiny kicks for the first time and bursting into tears because its real! SHES REAL! Feeling her kick again for Nigel and watching his eyes well up with happiness. All these moments that I had wished for myself were coming true, all because of this tiny baby growing inside me. Now her kicks are strong and hard, sometimes I can feel her doing body rolls and what feels like somersaults, I watch my belly in amazement as I see her moving around inside me and I just cant wait to hold her, I cant wait for the day I feel those pains and know its time for her to arrive. I can't wait to have Nigel by my side, and for us both to hold our baby girl for the first time. He will be a magnificent father, so full of joy and love and fun. I am proud to have chosen such a wonderful man to be this babies dad, that is the first thing I have given her that I didn't get. I know he will cherish her as every girl deserves to be cherished, and that alone fills me with so much unexplainable gratitude. Together we will make sure she knows she is loved every single day, make her safe, make her proud and protect her from the things we had to see. I just can't wait to start the next chapter and bring you into the world, my darling daughter.

Wishes of a 12 year old

- I want a puppy who is my best friend - I want my mum to be happy and to get re married - I want a long haired boyfriend who plays guitar and skateboards - I want to make other children happy when they're sad - I want to be in love and married by the age of 25 - I want a cute house with a fence and a balcony with french doors - I want a boy to love me the way they do in the movies - I want to be wanted - I want a best friend who is more like a sister - I want to be a mum by the age of 26 - I want to be the mum of a little girl - I want to be happy. When down the line did I become so lucky?

07/06/12

Last night I felt you for the first time, I lay on my back and ran my hand across my lower stomach to find a perfectly round little ball hiding underneath. I lay and wondered for a good hour if that was there before, convincing myself you were still too small to be felt so easily and this lump was my muscle or my belly still full from dinner. But as I moved so did you, as I poked and prodded I realised this was something I had never felt before, a new addition to my body. My baby. so we lay here like that - you still so tiny and unaware, me so in awe that beneath my hand I could feel you, that you are growing and you're ok. I know in a few months i'll be heavy and tired, youll be big and overwhelming, but right now just to feel you that way , to feel you for the first time, just us laying there in the quiet darkness, I couldve floated away into the sea of hopes and dreams I have for us all. I rested my hand over you, as I will every night from now and every night when you arrive, and fell asleep.

Us.

For two nights I woke up not knowing where I was, unafraid but confused as to how old I was, which bed I was sleeping in and whose warm and comforting body it was that lay next to me. Mum? am I 12 again in our little flat overlooking the harbour sleeping next to you because of bad dreams? Am I young and innocent? Am I happy or sad? Am I content with the circumstances that led me to this moment of wonder... So I lay there and quietly replayed my life, listened to the sounds of the room, the sounds that will me to sleep every night and I remembered it's my husband quietly snorring next to me, it's our room with the small french doors and the over flowing clothing rack, the chest of drawers at the foot of our bed full of memories and photgraphs, the familiar shadows on the wall, the bed side table with the collage of our lives, memories, friends, books, albums and my dog is sleeping soundly at the door. Its then that I feel relief. Relief that the pain is gone, relief that I have no shame or secrets, no real worries and no broken heart. I realise that I am happy and everything surrounding me is a culmination of that happiness... Which is when I remember you and I reach down to my stomach, feel the warm flesh under which I know youre hiding and I smile because I know there is no family or home you could be born into that would be filled with more love and happiness than the one i'm going to give you. There is no time or place for you except this one right here with me. The nightmares are gone, the late nights are gone and all there is right now is this and I went back to sleep knowing everything is going to be ok.

Heartbeat.

The wonder of the unknown is endless and sometimes I waste so much time on it I forget where I am. Dreams turn into reality or I forget which one came first.

Time to say goodbye and live in the chapter that has just started. I wish just saying it made it so.

LOCO AIMEE

Dear you,

I would send this to you directly however as I understand it you don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend what I’m going to write, so due to your rudimentary ability to think for yourself; this note is more for my own sanity.

As much as I find all the dribble that has been falling from your mouth humorous, I’m not going to deny feeling oddly offended that someone I have never had a conversation with, let alone “gotten to know” on a personal level seems to think she has some sort of insight into my life and those in it, or more importantly the right to comment on it.
Perhaps when you get a little older and reflect on the utter shit that has come out of your mouth you will sigh and think “geez how silly I was”, because most of us are lucky enough to have those moments.
However I have an inkling perhaps that particular moment of clarity will abate you and you will probably remain a gossiping twerp for the rest of your life- but I do hope you prove me wrong.

If you have questions or comments about other people’s lives my recommendation to you is to simply voice them to the people they regard. It’s not difficult and in fact clearing the air is usually the best and most responsible thing to do for yourself so as not to look like a demented teenager with nothing else to do but talk shit.

If you had heard stories about me through the ever so long and arduous grapevine I do wish you had have just asked me about them.
Instead of grasping onto them with your desperate little paws, you could’ve gotten to know me, made your own opinion like a real life grown up and perhaps then your opinions would hold some weight. But unfortunately now your arrogant and misinformed opinions of me and people I love are public knowledge and the “deer in headlights” look that smears itself across your head every time I see you, (previously of which I had thought completely confusing and unfounded), is now completely justified. Because finally: I don’t like you.

See the difference between you and I is that regardless of what I had heard through various friends and acquaintances I was determined to make my own mind up about you (fingers crossed you learn this trait sooner rather than later) But more than that quite frankly I didn’t give enough of a shit about you to really care about the inane crap that is your opinion. You merely existed in the same world as me, a younger and newer addition of lots of other girls that have come and gone.
Now after months of your name being brought up and your boring thoughts being made public knowledge: I have to have an opinion, and quite honestly it’s a pain in my arse.

So to answer your queries regarding myself and my husband here you go:

My husband and I used to have a volatile relationship, but as adults do we learnt to move past the hard times and become a more resiliant couple because of it. We have gone through things I doubt you could fathom at your mental age and funnily enough all it did was reiterate how strong we are as a couple. Our marriage was a celebration of love that had grown so strong over the years we knew nothing could break it.
We will live a long, happy life together, have a family, have problems, overcome problems and continuing making eachother happy even when it isnt sunshine and rainbows. We are thankful for your concern though and think it's cute you took such an interest in our lives :)

For the rest of your synopsis that I’m “gnarly” or “crazy” or whatever other words you use to describe me, well for all you know perhaps I am all those things and I’ll come find you one night and beat the living shit out of you.. or perhaps I’m just a normal person who you decided to judge because you're clearly too vapid to make up your own mind… I guess you'll just have to wait and find out.



Now, next time you have a question or comment regarding our lives, please feel free to just ask me, I’m open to emails ;)

Every generation needs a new revolution.

As I see it, currently we are raping the world. Straight up. Non metophorical, we are taking from it things it will never get back (not in our lifetime anyway) and I am sick and fucking tired of watching people in their all consuming laziness talk about shit they have no idea about.
Last night sitting in Nepalese Kitchen eating a delicious dinner with Nigel a group of very hip looking late 20's come and sit by us. The especially obnoxious man of the group struck up a conversation about vegetarianism and veganism. Of course this perked up my interest and I couldnt help but "overhear"

So apparently this douches siblings have been 'pescatarian'(eat no meat but fish) for many years and he just "doesnt understand it"
"If you eat fish you should eat pigs, an animals an animal and besides these animals are bred to eat bla bla bla, its each to their own. If I want to eat meat its my perogative"

I used to be a believer in "each to their own" But when the "eachs" "own" is the acceptance of our current system, when there are MILLIONS of people going hungry each night as us 'lucky westerners' goble down $10 steaks, when humans and animals are exploited every second of every hour of every day so you can suckle down a tender piece of meat at night leading you to weight gain and health issues that the rest of society will eventually have to pay for, when sentient creatures are having their throats slit and their bodies mangled so we can satisfy our gluttony, then its not really just your problem is it?
These things affect every single living, breathing being on this planet and you want me to sit back and listen to fuckwits like this dribble about a matter they clearly know nothing about? Personally, I wanted to slap him in the face with a piece of my eggplant and say WAKE UP TO YOURSELF! This apathy and acceptance of what happens in this world is exactly why we are going straight down the shitter, and FAST. Throughout history if we all just sat back and accepted the injustices of this society we would be even more miserable and doomed than we are right now. Revolution, Liberation. Strength. MANA. These words would mean NOTHING without those who spoke out against injustice and in turn created CHANGE. Real intrinsic change.
Our system is too corrupt, too money hungry to ever change from the inside, those responsible for our system are too greedy, selfish and misguided to make any of the necessary changes to keep us functioning in this world. The only changes will be those made within the individual. The only change's we can make are those that are in our micro, every day world. Start from within and work our way out.
TO stop eating meat, for me, was my first step towards living a life I can feel marginally proud of. Who was I to take the life of a creatuire that in any other situation I would be patting and admiring? Who was I to let something die for my satisfaction? I am them, they are me. We are all one in the same and yet we believe human animals have the right to enslave and exploit all other creatures in this world.
I'm sorry but it doesnt make sense.
I am tried of political correctness and shutting up because each of us have the right to do whatever we please, because quite honestly: thats a load of fucking codswollop.
We share this planet not only with other humans but with thousands of other species who are unaware of the inexplicable danger we have put them in through our misguided attempts to make the most of the world.
Any man, who is aware of the health, agricultural, humanitarian and animal welfare issues at play through the consumption of meat and yet chooses to continue that lifestyle is, in my eyes, a bad person. Pure and simple. This is why there are so few spiritually and morally aware humans who still eat factory farmed meat. The only excuse is lack of education.

Do not let animal die for you. You do not deserve it.

People are strange

I'm so fucking tired. Exhausted.





The pace of my mind and moods still manage to astound me. Last week I felt so connected to everything around me, and today I couldnt feel more disjointed if I tried.

I need more sleep.

Garmonbozia #2

I make mistakes. Alot. When I make them I make them well. Usually I manage to stick by them and reminise about them like old friends. Drunk on vodka, high on whatever else. Making excuses for bullshit by laughing.

Laughing:
Always my way of weazling out of the awkwardness of silence.

Sometimes when I think of myself I feel overwhelmned with rage, more rarely: compassion.
Like a separate person looking at myself as a child through the kaledescope of someone elses memory. Like whatever happened to me was an acid trip gone horribly wrong and has somehow become separate to who/what I am right now.

But it's never someone else. Its always me.

I suppose its just hard to take responsibility sometimes.

Resolute.

+
I want to make change
I want to be happy and make others happy too
I want to smile
I want to laugh
I want to get stoned and watch documentaries, I want to cry over nepalese food and ex boyfriends, I want to make mistakes, I want to learn from them. I want to make up for the bad and appreciate the good, I want to love and be loved, I want to travel, I want to feel everything, I want to learn, I want to waste hours watching crappy tv with my best friend, I want my best friend to be happy. I want to understand and be understood, I want to play with animals, I want to make children happy through my work. I want to make my husband happy, I want to make my Grandmother proud, I want to see my family fullfilled. I want to cry at ridiculous moments and laugh at innapropriate times. I want to get over the past and only look towards the future.

I want to lay in bed with the balcony doors open listening to the rain.
I want to be a good person, always.


-
I dont want to fight, I dont want to make enemies (or even keep the ones I already have) I dont want to be negative or cruel, I dont want to be angry, I dont want to talk smack about people and smile to their faces.
I dont want to EVER deviate from my beliefs. I want to always feel proud of who I am.

And I am starting to.
2012, I'm already in love with you.

If you dont know, now ya' know.

Ive always rubbed people the wrong way. Always. Ever since school people would misconstru what I meant, not understand my jokes and take them as insults or take a vacant glance as a deathly glare.
My therapist came to the conclusion it was because physically I intimidate people due to my height and kind of odd looks. So before i even open my mouth people have some sort of opinion of me.. I guess thats the way of the world though and by no means do I think I have never given people a reason to disslike me. I mean ive been a pretty fucked up person. Throughout adolesence I was angry, violent and pretty much a fucking menace to be around. It was like all the years of feeling lesser than and picked on boiled up into this steaming volcano in side me that once fueld by a bottle of vodka would erupt into well...my wrath.
As ive always mentioned in previous entries, im not blind to my behaviour and I know i have hurt alot of people in the past. For this I am sorry and I do wish I could take back most of what I did throughout those tumultuous years. But to put it bluntly, that aint me anymore.
Im fucking joyous man, I couldnt be any happier. Life is good, sweet, beautiful..whatever and I'm abetter person because of this. When I drink now I get the giggles, I dance with my friends, we create a little world for ourselves that noone else can really penetrate so it kinda blows my mind when people still to this day assume the worst of me. Dont get me wrong, i get it. I do. There are stories flowing through this small ass town and a reputation I cant shake but im an adult, as are we all, so if ive done something wrong, something I am most probably completely oblivious to... do ya mind just telling me? Pull me aside, give me a call, send me a message, SOMETHING! instead of prompting school yard reactions to something I dont even know ive done.

Sydney, you spectacularly gorgeous girl, this is what you do to people. As much as I love this city...You spur on one small fucking town mentality that, at times, makes it impossible to enjoy You!

The issue with society, especially in the younger generations, is that we let things fester. We assume, or listen to one version of a story and then that is somehow defined as the truth. But there are 2 sides, did ya know?
We seem to forget this most often when our friends tell us something. It becomes gospel. I have been guilty of this as im sure we all have. But is life really so busy, are we all so flat out getting drunk and having fun that it takes too much time to ask, or to come to ones OWN conclusion??

Yes, we're pack animals, we prefer to roam together, play together, make opinions together...but lets be honest, its all just school yard shit and we all act so happy to be independent adults and solo thinkers, yet we still judge one another on the words of a friend, we all stand up for our friends without a second thought, and although these seems like admirable traits, sometimes, they arent right.

I dont know why I get so worked up, or analyse situations to the point of sending myself just a little bit crazy. I guess its because i know how much ive changed, and I know I am now a different person to who I was back then...Sometimes I just wish I had the opportunity for everyone else to understand that too.

Nigel

I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.

-Bukowski

fuckya

Youre fake. You have to know it, I mean in the dark quietness as you lay down to sleep you have to have moments of clarity... dont you?
Perhaps thats why I find it so hard to be around you sometimes, because I have seen your moments of insincerity and quietly it has disgusted me. But with each lie, insult or judgement you make I brush it off as momentary, fleeting, just some immature thing that doesnt define who you really are. I justify it for you as though there is always some reason to be an asshole.
But maybe, just maybe you really are JUST an asshole.

2012

Today I skipped down the hall. Quite literally skipped down the hallway to my desk and plopped joyously into my chair. Thankfully my day job is solitary and there is never anybody around to see these off the cuff displays of sheer delight.
And that is how I would describe my life of late; delightful.

2011 was a tumultous year, an inexplicable, unequivocal, overwhelming emotional roller coaster. Moments of all consuming happiness shadowed by some of the most intense saddness I have ever felt. The juxtaposition of my life, the beach in torrential rain.

Yet through the saddness there was never a moment when I slipped, never a moment when it all became too much and I thought for even one second of giving up. Through every dark shadow I could see the sunshine at the other end, and this is something I have never felt before. I am hopeful. And I can see without a doubt all of the beauty in my life and i'm no longer afraid of it.




...I am living in the future I always dreamed of, and now that i'm here everything that came before seems worth it.

I cant wait to see what happens next.