Tuesday, December 14, 2010

14th December 2010

Growing up I had little to no guidance from adults, I mean I was left to my own devices alot, left to discover my own moral standards as my influences weren't exactly angelic. I mean when i think of it metaphorically I imagine myself, in a big empty room trying to decide what to do. thats how i imagine my childhood. Me, little and confused trying to discover the right thing to do.
Dont get me wrong, i had a loving family but being an only child in, at times, very tumultuous surroundings made me quite a suspicious and confused person. I mean with people around you doing one thing yet feeling like perhaps theyre not doing what theyre supposed to is a pretty challenging state of mind for a 6 year old.
i believe as humans we naturally have instilled within us a moral standard. It is the oustide world that changes these. i mean of course there are exceptions, sociopaths, narscicists, psychopaths, people with a different chemical make up to the average human being, but i do believe people in general are born good.
It is merely our surroundings that can create evil. 2 girls born on the same day, both healthy and crying, soft little new born sponge's ready to soak up the world they are presented with, one born into a big, kind, loving, down to earth, educated and middle class family. The other born into a lower class, small family, living in housing commission with no support network, no education and a history of violence. Dont get me wrong, these are stereotypes and generalisations, but alot of the time these 2 girls will grow up to be 2 women worlds apart. Its the way of the world, The cycle of the rich getting richer, smart getting smarter. basically what im saying is we become what we are fed, we become the world around us and if we are presented with limited options, limited positive figures of influence we can grow into bad, lost, angry, sad people. Whatever.
Growing up with noone around and noone really telling you whats right or wrong leads to a rather confusing state of mind.
And ive discovered of late the battle I have been in; trying to keep my core morals alive when i'm not even sure if theyre the right core morals to have.
I imagine having a large, loving family with a consenus as to what is right or wrong makes it alot easier to have a more concrete idea of who you are. I however didnt have this so i was left kind of floundering around trying to decide for myself what is right and wrong, its still to this day why I get confused about my moral values and what type of person i am.
Its been a constant battle between the person i desire to be and the person I can sometimes become. Or the person society was telling me was right and the characters i was surrounded with.

I am an out of control drug taker, an alcoholic, a cynical closed off confused person who hates the world due to an intrinsic warped hatred of myself, and i am also an emphatically joyous, immature, intelligent, light, caring and patient person who is slowly learning to love not just others but myself aswell. The latter is who i can feel deep inside me, the adult I as a child should have become. The first is what the outside world told me was ok, that darkness was my saviour from ever having to get to know the real me, from ever really having to get to anybody else. Drugs make it so easy to get lost in the confusion, they make it so easy to never really have to get to know yourself or anyone else for that matter.
They allowed me to think I had a real social life, real friends, a real idea of who I am, when in reality it was a mashed up version of non events and blurry memories, regrets and horrible nights out that resulted in days of anxiety. These are the reasons i believed i was so cynical, these are the reasons i felt so iscolated. i was iscolating myself.
To start a life without them is almost like a rebirth, a terrifying but exciting new begining where i will feel awkward in social situations but proud when i go home at 11pm and tuck myself into bed knowing i did nothing to be ashamed of.
I know i am an addict, I know I have used drugs and alcohol as a crutch for much of my life, they are what started relationships and what ultimately ended them, they are what made me happy, but destroyed me, they are what fuelled friendships and what ended them. TO be wasted makes me feel free of the constraints of my life, but really it is the jail that has always kept me from ever truly being free.
The thought of life without them is terrifying but in the most exciting and hope filled sense.

Give me the strength to do whats right, because i cant keep being wrong anymore. And if you know me and you care then keep them away from me and know that i want this to be it for me, 24 and just learning to walk without anything jading my view. I want freedom.

Monday, December 13, 2010


It is easier to hate.
It is easier to push the light away, to never see it in the first place.
Be a mean mother fucker, thats what you taught me,
never acknowledge the pain.
But its easy to be strong when their aint no heart to break, right?

Sunday, December 12, 2010


What is the purpose of existence? Love. Thats it. Just to love and to be loved. Nothing else matters. Give up everything if it means you can have it, give it all up if you know that its real. Life without love isnt a life at all.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


No matter how sad you are it cant kill you, we can withstand anything to do with our emotions, pain, heartbreak. None of that can kill us yet it hurts so much more than the physical. Burn, cut, bruise my skin. I would swap you.

Where are you.

I needed you right now. I know you could feel it. I asked for it, just for a moment for you to care for me, stay with me, give me what you know i need; yet I got nothing. I feel the distance growing further and stronger and the iscolation burns me like a flame.
Is to love not to give, to make the pain go away? To do whatever you can to ease it if only for a minute?
I am not easy because my life doesnt let me be, and if you could have felt even the slightest sting of what i'm feeling then you would be here making it ok for just right now. Not forever, but just this moment when company would have made it better, when the warmth of someone next to me could have made the flood gates close.
Maybe i am unreasonable, maybe im not, maybe i expect too much but i would rather that than expect nothing at all. The nothingness of this. Of feeling the love flicker like a flame in the breeze. If you could make it all go away, would you?
There are things we can forgive and there are things we cant, and what i want, what i expect is that you would do whatever you could to make it hurt a little less.
I looked to you for safety and you gave me none. I looked to you for kindness and love, you gave me none.
The twisted thing is this is just the same as the past, as the reason why i needed you right now. The abandonment of father, of lover. You take from me what you need and in this moment when i need you most you are not here.
When you walked out the door I felt the distance slice through me like a sword. I want to say its ok, but im still crying and my hands are shaking and you left me broken down and alone in this bed. Maybe, you are not the one for me.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I was happy.

what is life without sacrifice? What is love without sacrifice? Didnt someone once say "love is the greatest sacrifice of all" Or did i just make that up?
We are in a time in which walking away is so easy, there are so many people in the world that even when we do find one we can stick with there could always be another just around the corner. Is the point to forsake all others, or just forsake others til shit gets too hard and we bail?
There are girls like me, but they wont have all the parts of me. I have a dark side that makes it hard for me to relate to alot of people, i do some pretty crazy shit sometimes for god knows what reason, and these things are a part of me, it is what differentiates me from everybody else. Our past and our problems are what define us, what make us unique. The things that bring us pain, the little scars and wounds we carry are our own, some can wear them with pride others are ashamed and some can hide them so well you would think they didnt have any at all. This is what makes us ourselves. I carry mine well and at times i forget i even have them, but then the bottle goes in and i reach down into the pit of my self, down into my guts where noone else can see and i rip it out from within me. Some people get drunk and start a fight, some people get drunk and fuck a million people or flirt or smash a window. I get drunk and I can become dark. Hurt myself. but not stop drinking, keep going further and further down until i spew it out all over whoever is closest to me. some people choose to think of the good times they have with me, others can think of nothing but the bad. i understand this. It is noones job to sacrifice themselves for another person. but i can only be one thing for so long until you find out i am many. I can only be one thing before the others rear their heads and show you they are here to.
To love doesnt mean to sacrifice, it means to accept. Accept eachtoher for everything you are, not just parts.
But i understand it is different with me, at times i make it near impossible to love me. at times i dont even love myself. But if you do and you say it and you tell me 'I love you', you tell me you will be here until the end, that you accept me not just for now but forever, then please mean it. There is only so much that i can take, and i dont know if i have it in me to do this again.