Tuesday, January 24, 2012

If you dont know, now ya' know.

Ive always rubbed people the wrong way. Always. Ever since school people would misconstru what I meant, not understand my jokes and take them as insults or take a vacant glance as a deathly glare.
My therapist came to the conclusion it was because physically I intimidate people due to my height and kind of odd looks. So before i even open my mouth people have some sort of opinion of me.. I guess thats the way of the world though and by no means do I think I have never given people a reason to disslike me. I mean ive been a pretty fucked up person. Throughout adolesence I was angry, violent and pretty much a fucking menace to be around. It was like all the years of feeling lesser than and picked on boiled up into this steaming volcano in side me that once fueld by a bottle of vodka would erupt into well...my wrath.
As ive always mentioned in previous entries, im not blind to my behaviour and I know i have hurt alot of people in the past. For this I am sorry and I do wish I could take back most of what I did throughout those tumultuous years. But to put it bluntly, that aint me anymore.
Im fucking joyous man, I couldnt be any happier. Life is good, sweet, beautiful..whatever and I'm abetter person because of this. When I drink now I get the giggles, I dance with my friends, we create a little world for ourselves that noone else can really penetrate so it kinda blows my mind when people still to this day assume the worst of me. Dont get me wrong, i get it. I do. There are stories flowing through this small ass town and a reputation I cant shake but im an adult, as are we all, so if ive done something wrong, something I am most probably completely oblivious to... do ya mind just telling me? Pull me aside, give me a call, send me a message, SOMETHING! instead of prompting school yard reactions to something I dont even know ive done.

Sydney, you spectacularly gorgeous girl, this is what you do to people. As much as I love this city...You spur on one small fucking town mentality that, at times, makes it impossible to enjoy You!

The issue with society, especially in the younger generations, is that we let things fester. We assume, or listen to one version of a story and then that is somehow defined as the truth. But there are 2 sides, did ya know?
We seem to forget this most often when our friends tell us something. It becomes gospel. I have been guilty of this as im sure we all have. But is life really so busy, are we all so flat out getting drunk and having fun that it takes too much time to ask, or to come to ones OWN conclusion??

Yes, we're pack animals, we prefer to roam together, play together, make opinions together...but lets be honest, its all just school yard shit and we all act so happy to be independent adults and solo thinkers, yet we still judge one another on the words of a friend, we all stand up for our friends without a second thought, and although these seems like admirable traits, sometimes, they arent right.

I dont know why I get so worked up, or analyse situations to the point of sending myself just a little bit crazy. I guess its because i know how much ive changed, and I know I am now a different person to who I was back then...Sometimes I just wish I had the opportunity for everyone else to understand that too.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh



Youre fake. You have to know it, I mean in the dark quietness as you lay down to sleep you have to have moments of clarity... dont you?
Perhaps thats why I find it so hard to be around you sometimes, because I have seen your moments of insincerity and quietly it has disgusted me. But with each lie, insult or judgement you make I brush it off as momentary, fleeting, just some immature thing that doesnt define who you really are. I justify it for you as though there is always some reason to be an asshole.
But maybe, just maybe you really are JUST an asshole.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Today I skipped down the hall. Quite literally skipped down the hallway to my desk and plopped joyously into my chair. Thankfully my day job is solitary and there is never anybody around to see these off the cuff displays of sheer delight.
And that is how I would describe my life of late; delightful.

2011 was a tumultous year, an inexplicable, unequivocal, overwhelming emotional roller coaster. Moments of all consuming happiness shadowed by some of the most intense saddness I have ever felt. The juxtaposition of my life, the beach in torrential rain.

Yet through the saddness there was never a moment when I slipped, never a moment when it all became too much and I thought for even one second of giving up. Through every dark shadow I could see the sunshine at the other end, and this is something I have never felt before. I am hopeful. And I can see without a doubt all of the beauty in my life and i'm no longer afraid of it.

...I am living in the future I always dreamed of, and now that i'm here everything that came before seems worth it.

I cant wait to see what happens next.