So today i was walking home from work and i saw a girl who had a very influential role in one of my past relationships. I suppose you could say she played a negative role in it and I've always strongly disliked her to the point of even 'hating' her, yet today i saw her and i felt nothing, mere indifference i suppose. I even imagined myself walking up to her and saying "hey fuck sorry about all that shit that went down, its all cool now so lets forget about it" but then the stubbornness in me wouldn't allow it because it would be like betraying the old me that cared so much, the old me that hated her and was hurt by her.
But it made me think about relationships and how easily the feelings can fade, well not so much easily, but how its possible for such intense emotion to just fade, fade, fade until you barely remember feeling them at all.
This all led me to think about the reasons behind why we feel the despair we do when a relationship ends, i think i figured out that for myself it isnt really the fact that it ends, more so how it ends and that you commit so severly to something and then it fails. Its like any other life goal or dream not being realised and you think "but man i tried so hard and i really loved that person how could I fuck it up so bad?" and they think the same thing but noone ever mentions it, very few can sit down and say "you hurt me by doing this..." or "you fucked it up because of this..."
For example, my highschool boyfriend and i had a very tumultuous relationship, suprise suprise, but we're still down with eachother because we talked about all the shit that hurt us and made us feel bad or angry towards one another, its like letting go of all the weight that binds you both, you can let it go because you hear eachother and can accept that you both fucked up, you did bad things or maybe (as hard as it is to admit) you just werent right for eachother.
Instead we internalise it and let it fester into hatred or worse, apathy...
because apathy is the closest feeling to feeling nothing at all...
Monday, April 12, 2010
All i want in llife is simplicity, a nice day, a quiet morning, sleepy afternoons. sex. wishing and dreaming about the future. Hope, and being excited. Excitement is a feeling i never want to lose because to me it is a reminder of innocence, I get excited about looking up a cartoon i havent watched since i was 6 years old or cooking dinner with my boyfriend, going out to eat like a real adult because I dont feel like one all the time, and i suppose these things remind me that with every year that passes or age i grow into i still remain a kid, somewhere inside. And i wont ever lose that. Just like my mum gets excited about going out for sushi because she would never eat it of her own accord, or how my dad lights up when we talk about skateboarding because it reminds him of being a kid. They havent lost it. But so many have, Whatever it is, they just don't have it anymore, and thats fucking scary.
My nightmares are becoming less frequent, i understand this is because i am happier, less worried and life has become more and more simple lately, sharing all of my life with someone else who wants the same things, who isn't like anyone ive ever been with before, who takes care of me and who i want to take care of in return, its this undeniably reassuring feeling, like no matter where we are or what happens everything will be ok. And thats it man, like if you get that feeling you don't need anything else, its protection from the elements, its warmth when I am cold, food when i am hungry, safety when i am scared. But how can you tell someone that? How can you say it out loud without sounding like a fucking marshmellow or a badly written poem?