Monday, August 13, 2012

The waiting game

I'm six months along now (yesterday to be exact) and can't believe how quickly that time has gone. Ive adjusted to it all, the fluctuating belly, the (incredibly) weak bladder, the pubescent skin changes and the way my heart almost beats out of my chest when I stand up too quickly. Most importantly ive adjusted to the idea and now all thats left is excitement (and slight impatience) So today I was reading these stories of other mothers reactions to finding out they were pregnant and thought back to my own hysterical reaction as though it were a lifetime ago. I had started keeping this "Menstral Diary" - how very feminine of me - It was a free app that i'd downloaded when I went a little app crazy on my new iphone, it was kinda useful because after 11 years of getting my period I was still as useless as ever at keeping track of when to expect it and was shocked every single time it came. So i'd started keeping this stupid diary thing that also gave you the option to add when you had sex or any notes along the way like moods, weight, boob size etc. So as a semi joke i'd added in just this one random day Nigel and I had 'done the deed' and also of course when my last period was. I remember coming into work and talking to my friend Laura, telling her my period hadnt come and I couldnt think of why, I was 100% sure I wasn't pregnant because i'd done literally 6 tests that came back negative and I just didnt "feel" pregnant as such. So we threw around excuses and possibilities of confusion with dates and everything else a girl does when in denial. We came to the conclusion "It will come, its just late. IT HAPPENS!". On the morning of the March 19th I woke up and remembered I still had one pregnancy test down stairs from the plethora I had purchased when in my "i'm late" panic. Sat on the toilet, peed on the stick, placed it on the side of the bath and continued about my business. I was so sure it would be negative that I barely paid attention to it, I know a part of me wanted it to be positive which is why I was so flippent and assured of the negative result (all part of a defence mechanism I devised in childhood "never have high hopes so you can never be dissapointed") plus there had been so many negative results, as if this one would be any different! ....So I finally looked down and saw the faint second line that had been absent for weeks prior to this moment. It was faint, but it was there. My heart exploded into my throat, like a freight train of feelings flying through me a thousand miles an hour. I ran upstairs where Nigel was sleeping and declared "I'm pregnant!!" It was a statement laiden with hopefullness and fear, excitement and trepidation. I fell onto the bed and started crying uncontrollably. I went through so much last year, including the loss of a pregnancy that broke me in half for a long time, I went through so much that i thought if I had to go through anymore I mightn't make it, that maybe anymore saddness would just break me entirely and I would cease to exist. This was my fear...not the baby or the pregnancy, I never had any fear about my capabilities as a mother, I feared I may not get to be a mother at all. I flailed downstairs to call my best friend and splattered the words to her over the phone as she broke down and cried too, I have a feeling her reasons for this reaction were much the same as mine as she was there through all the shit of last year and knew I had only just recovered. Nigel being the sensible, patient man he is was calm throughout it all and suggested maybe not calling anyone else until we at least see a doctor, but me being me had already dialled my mum, then my nan and then forced the phone into Nigels hand so he could call his parents. Patience is definitely not one of my virtues. Throughout the fear was my joy, my hopefulness and sheer excitement. I couldn't possibly lose another baby, I thought, this one will work... and all these feelings flowed through me at the speed of light. Everyone told me to not get too excited, to wait until the three month mark before telling anyone just in case...just in case. But I knew this baby was ours, she would be strong because I would do everything in my power to make her so. The feelings that came afterwards were strange, I would describe it as a numbness that washed over me, it was as though the thrill melted away and suddenly I was numb to what was happening inside me, walls shot up and I wrapped myself in a concrete exterior that no baby talk or hopes for the future could penetrate. I realise now it was because I was so scared of losing her, everyday led me closer to the time I'd lost my last pregnancy and it was as though until i'd passed that milestone I could never truly relax and let myself feel for this baby inside me. That teamed with the intense morning sickness, depression due to hormonal changes and having to travel for work with early starts and late nights in a house that wasnt my own - I didnt know how i would last - I sunk into a depression faster than I knew possible and although I was being told "its the hormones, its the hormones" when you feel an emptiness like that nothing anybody says can make you believe it isn't real. I waited patiently for the 3 month mark because apparently thats when it all subsides, the sickness passes, the moods lift and you can begin to enjoy your pregnancy. Bullshit, I thought. How will these feelings ever pass? how will I ever stop feeling the urge to vomit every 10 seconds night and day? Impossible! But it did, it all passed. And come the 4th month I felt stronger and healthier than I ever have, I felt the past 3 months fall off me and my soul lit up again with all the hope I had felt that first day. Since then every day is an adventure, feeling her grow, watching myself grow. Feeling her tiny kicks for the first time and bursting into tears because its real! SHES REAL! Feeling her kick again for Nigel and watching his eyes well up with happiness. All these moments that I had wished for myself were coming true, all because of this tiny baby growing inside me. Now her kicks are strong and hard, sometimes I can feel her doing body rolls and what feels like somersaults, I watch my belly in amazement as I see her moving around inside me and I just cant wait to hold her, I cant wait for the day I feel those pains and know its time for her to arrive. I can't wait to have Nigel by my side, and for us both to hold our baby girl for the first time. He will be a magnificent father, so full of joy and love and fun. I am proud to have chosen such a wonderful man to be this babies dad, that is the first thing I have given her that I didn't get. I know he will cherish her as every girl deserves to be cherished, and that alone fills me with so much unexplainable gratitude. Together we will make sure she knows she is loved every single day, make her safe, make her proud and protect her from the things we had to see. I just can't wait to start the next chapter and bring you into the world, my darling daughter.