Friday, March 19, 2010

Something or other

I got followed home the other day. By some idiot who kept pestering me for a conversation. He ran up behind me and i thought he was going to grab me, but he didnt. When i told him to leave me alone he said "oh i get it, youre just shy when men speak to you" As though he intimidated me with his fucking masculinity or something.. when in reality i thought he was a fat disgusting derelict but was too wary to scream that into his face, no matter how much i wanted to.
Im not really afraid of many things, but since then i cant seem to relax. I think its the not knowing of whether the guy was a half wit or a legitimate psycho.
I hate that he knows where i live.
I hate the weakness associated with being a woman, the physical weakness. Because really any man bigger than me, who really wanted to could overpower me. Im quite strong and I would fight back but the odd's would be in his favour .. and i hate that.
I hate that if some arrogant fuck starts talking to me and i ignore him or make it clear i dont want to speak to him, he will assume i am shy. inhibited. or just rude. When really all i want is to be left alone, to be able to walk down the street without some horrible excuse of a man looking at me, shouting things at me, fucking following me.
It makes me feel sick.
My old friend used to yell at them everytime something happend like that, but whats the fucking point really, it doesnt help, it just draws more attention to the situation.
So i suppose we should just keep our heads down, ignore it, hope they fuck off.
Its just not fucking right.
Noone wants to feel invaded, noone should be invaded merely because of their sex. It just isnt fucking fair but there doesnt seem to be fuck all we can do about it.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I have a tendency to read things and find quotes or poetry that i want to remember but my brain is like an old fucking sponge that cant hold enough water.. so ive gotta just start posting it and i wont forget.

"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place

unspoken to

watering a plant."

— Charles Bukowski (Love Is a Dog from Hell: Poems, 1974-1977)


Friday, March 5, 2010


So i'm watching a remake of a Dutch film called Spoorloos (which translates to 'The Vanishing). I've wanted to see the original ever since i watched the remake for the first time a few years ago, but ive never gotten around to it. Apparently the remake is an insult to the original, so know i'm desperate to see the o.g.

I was just reading reviews and found this one;

This review is from: Vanishing, the (VHS Tape)
The Vanishing is a terrifyingly dark allegory of life and death and lost love. Raymond Lemorne (morne is the French word for gloomy, dismal) is death. Rex and Saskia are Everyman/woman caught in what is simply an artfully speeded up version of the life cycle. Think about that symbolic tunnel they pass through at the beginning. On the other side death awaits, inexplicable, ordinary and inevitable--just like Lemorne. And like Rex, we all deny the obvious and search for the lost loved one only to be eventually snatched away by Him ourselves. What is so unsettling to the viewer is the film's relentless subliminal message: the inescapable outcome of life and love is death and loss.

Getting it tomorrow.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

“The past reflects eternally between two mirrors -the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn’t do or say”

So after a day like today and a minor emotional breakdown it seems i feel good again. Its as though once i make a decision about something i can move up and out of my state of self pity.
For some reason all i can visualise is riding my bike and listening to music, the sun's shining and Mayble is with me and everything feels good. Right now, moments like these are my favourite. Its as though my real life takes over and everything else falls by the wayside. I can be free. An over analytical mind is my biggest downfall, the way i attach myself to a thought and can't let go of it until it makes sense to me, so if it just simply doesnt make sense then i never truly rid myself of it.
Tomorrrow i'm going to wake up early and have a shower with Nigel, then i'm going to get a smoothie and go to work. I love it when he drives me to work, being awake together when the air still has that crispness to it, It makes me feel human and a part of something. I got really excited thismorning because he came into my work's cafe for a coffee, the smallest things can make me ecstatic. Like catching a train with someone ive never caught one with, or listening to a certain song as i walk past the harbour. I listen to "Poor Boy" by Supertramp at least once a day, i ecspecially like to listen to it while im walking through Circular Quay at around 7am, its as though im completely free of responsibility and weight when i listen to that song and for the rest of the day i feel completely unweighted by anything.

I was reading a bit of Shantaram the other day which is a novel written by Gregory David Roberts,i havent read much of it but from what i know he was a Heroin addict and convcited of crimes in australia but escaped and rellocated to India where he hid for many years, the book begins with this "It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what i know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant while i was chained to a wall and being tortured.. I realised somehow through the screaming in my mind, that even in ths shackled, bloody helplessness, i was still free: Free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesnt sound like much, i know, but in the flinch and bite of the chain, when its all youve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. and the choice you make between hating and forgiving can become the story of your life"

Ive talked about this before, inner freedom. Of course ive never been through any of the shit the author has been through but when i read it, it made sense. All the things that weigh us down, fill us with the weight of others and ourselves, theoretically it can all be escaped. Because (in my own life) it is a choice. The mind is a very capable thing, and with the enabling tools we can remove ourselves from situations, and choose how we react. The most frustrating thing about all of this is how aware i am of the fact. My old psychologist used to say i had a good insight into my own issues, which i find just makes the whole thing more infuriating because wouldnt you think you could reach some kind of solution when you know what the problem is?
Whether or not i'll ever really get to where i want to be emotionally is a question i have absolutely no answer to, but what i do know is that I can be free of it all if i want to be, when im ready to be, and life isnt so fucking bad afterall.
I'm going to listen to records this weekend, watch movies, ride my bike and be rid of everyone and everything that reminds me of anything that hurt. Just for one weekend, completely free.


So i realised something on the weekend, no matter how much i feel like i grow or move away from things of the past it still all remains while i associate with people connected to it. No matter what i do, or however much i move on there will always be someone to remind me of things i have long wished to forget.
Even people that i have come to love and care for will always still bring it up, whether in their minds it is for my own good or for sub concsious satisfaction, who fucking knows how the human mind works. But what i do know is that i want so badly to move away from it. How can anything ever change when i choose to let the things around me remain the same? I am sick of talking about it, of being reminded. I am sick of the past making it so fucking hard to appreciate my present and my future, but the only reason this is the case is because i let it be. So what to do?
My job is fun, i love the people i work with and most of the time im happy when im there, but its draining and i get so tired. The job entails me to perform constantly, always happy and energetic, always running around and talking to people, being friendly and making conversation without it seeming forced, giving people my personality so they can have a fun day. Im ok with this, but today i just felt so tired, as though all of me was just..gone, drained because i'd given it to everyone else around me and all i could do was think about everything i internalise. When you feel completely drained of energy there is nothing left to distract you from how you really feel.
My past makes me feel lost, it makes me scared. It is as though i have no control over myself when i think about it, as though i become this weak person who is defined by a past relationship, past friendships, past mistakes. Alot of people in my life remind me of these things, therefore the thought of them brings up these emotions aswell. Which isn't fair, its not fair on me and it isn't fair on them. But i cant help it.
So, what do i do?
I need to get away, mentally. I need to escape all the shit that brings up these feelings so that i can realise how incredible my life actually is. Because IT IS. The life i have here at home is so full of happiness and love and comfort. I have a life here that is full of possibilities and for the first time i am planning things and looking towards the future with goals. And i may be afraid to completely let go of everything else, i suppose its that human, youthful fear of missing out on something, but what i'm begining to see is that if i don't let go of it then i will never truly be happy.
It may seem selfish to forsake people simply because they remind me of bad things in my life, but who cares? Isn't that what life is about? Living as happily as we can without hurting people around us.
Noone will ever let me forget my past if they think they know all about it or if they are still involved in it, I cant truly be happy if everything i surround myself with makes me feel scared and lost.
So i've got to get away from it all for a while.