Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Sometimes life is too good that it feels like a theres sex happening inside me. Like people are really doing it to eachother good and proper inside my guts, and its all i can do to not run on the spot, jump in the air and say thankyou!
Thankyou for love, thankyou for friendship, thankyou for Kates drunk phone calls and ariels late night chats. Thankyou for Tiahs Baby bump, thankyou for patience, thankyou for conversations with wise, intelligent people. Thankyou for intelligence in general! Thankyou for sunshine, thankyou for the breeze and the tree's and the warm night time air. Thankyou for nigel, our home and my Mayble.

Life is a choice, a series of important choices. We can be light, or dark, we can let the big bad world eat us up and spit us out, we can be closed to what is around or we can embrace all the beautiful things that still exist and grow everyday. We can let the good define us, instead of the bad.
We can try to make a final choice but that won't prevail because the path is always changing. But thats what makes everything real and worth embracing.

Today is a good day, a great day. There will still be bad ones, but I know there will be days like this again and again and again and again which makes life so undoubtedly worth living.

Life is too radical to be wasted around those who can't see it.
You lost another friend.
When does it end? When do you see that its not everybody else,

its you.

Friday, September 18, 2009


I talk about this alot with my boyfriend and male friends who all say they couldnt tell me whether or not they had made a girl come before in a one night stand. And when you dont know, most likely it didnt happen.
So whats the issue? that the men arent good in bed? that the women arent comfortable enough to get off? or that both parties are so out of touch with eachother and with themselves that it was never going to happen in the first place?
The last one.
sure there are situations in which one party is just useless in bed, but on the whole i think that our perceptions and ideals about sex are worked into us from such a young age that sexual comforatabilty and the ability to know what you want and how to get it has become a rarity.
We are never told about orgasms at school. We are taught that a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina and when they love eachother very much they have sex and this makes a baby.
What we arent taught about are all the years before and in between that, when babies are the last thing on our minds and all we want to do is fuck.
We arent taught about masturbation or sex as a pleasurable experience. sure, maybe we are told that sex will feel good, but we arent told that we will crave it, that for alot of people it will become one of the most important aspects of their lives for a long time.
We arent told about the complexities of sex for women, and its a fucking complex thing. sex for women is about the emotional and mental side of the situation as much as it is about the physicality. You will be hard pressed to find a woman who can sleep with a man she has no particular attraction to, no history, no feelings and no connection with and get off.
Young girls arent taught about masturbation, unless its by their parents, which still to this day i think would be rare. And i believe this is why so many girls are losing their virginity so young and sleeping around to such an extent yet never really doing it for themselves..
at our age the point of sex is to get off. Simple as that. Both parties want and should be able to come. So why arent they?
why are boys still going out with the desire to pick someone up to fuck when they themselves have no idea how to have sex?
It can only ever be amazing, (and it SHOULD be amazing), when you know what youre doing and you know what you want which i dont think alot of 30 year olds even know nowadays.
What needs to be changed is our initial welcome into sex, which is at school. Girls escpecially need to be taught that they are capable of feeling as good, if not better than the man they are sleeping with and that when they do start having sex it should be because THEY want to feel good, not because they are trying to make another person feel good. And THAT is one of the hugest issues of today, the fact that girls are losing their virginity and sleeping around yet never getting off.
This is one of the hugest problems, female masturbation is still fairly tabboo. Young boys get boners all the time and always have their hands down their pants so its somehow more acceptable to talk about young boys wanking, whereas because of the difference in methods and that it has seemed a far more secret act for girls for so many years we dont really tell them it is ok. If we saw our little girl with their hand down their pants it would be our first reaction to tell them never to do that, but what we should be doing is making her feel comfotable to do whatever she wants but making sure its always safe and away from people.
Kids are so in touch with their bodies, we are born without insecurities and without self image, these things are burnt into us later by the media, our peers, society and other peoples issues. When we are little we dont give a shit about any of that and these are the years in which we are learning about ourselves. So why discourage it?
The fact that some of my closest friends say they have never had an orgasm, and these are girls in their 20's who have slept with their fair share of men, this upsets me, because to be sexually aware and sexually satisfied is a great thing, and to be denied of it seems fucking ridiculous.
The search for all that shit needs to start at childhood before we are cemented in our beliefs and insecurities about sex. We need to teach our kids the facts about sex, the ones that are relevant to the time of life that sex seems most important, which is their adolescents, and we need to teach girls to feel good about themsleves and their bodies! To be comfortable in telling people how they feel and what they want, not laying silently accepting only what they are presented with, or pretending to like something that they dont really, whats the point in that? the boy will never learn, the girl will never learn and you will never get a good experience. Sex is mutual and should be treated as such.
Thats all an inability to orgasm is; a struggle to feel comfortable, lack of insight into yourself or the belief that sex is all about the boy, which it isnt. At all. And when all things can be changed and improved by openness and truth-why is it so difficult to do so?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


..I dont know when you grow out of it or if you ever fully do. Its an emotion that lots of people dont recognise, or try to hide underneath compliments and a forced smile. I've always been able to see envy, but i've never really been very envious of anybody. There have been times, ecspecially in my childhood when i wished I had more money and wondered why life had been so good to some of the other kids around me. But i suppose now i realise that didnt have to do much with envy at all, more everybody elses projection of normality. I believed i was so differnet because everybody told me i was, lots of people at my school were pretty well off and i guess i felt like i had to be differnt in order to ever truly be accepted, truth be known alot of my childhood with my mum on a single parent pension and living in housing commision was spent playing with the other grubby kids that were like me, having fun, climbing tree's, telling fake stories and being fairly ignorant to any other desire than the desire for fun. However i suppose when you get a bit older, and everyone around you starts to notice that life is fairly tangible and things of monetary value are actually considered important; perceptions can change, ecspecially of ones self.
Thats where insecurity stems from, which of course in turn breeds envy. "I can see what i feel i lack in someone else, and i want it"
The same applies to superficial perceptions of course. The way we look and feel about ourselves physically. Thats all envy is about, feeling we lack something within ourselves.
I've never really felt envy about superficial things, the way some people get when they want to look a way they dont, or cant. Women are one of the most well formed beautiful things that were created, so to hate or feel contempt for someone you find desireable or attractive baffles me. To see another woman succeeding, feeling beautiful, looking beautiful; that is an accomplishment, something to be admired and respected instead of frowned upon due to our own feelings of self worth. Its never been looks that i envied, never. I can look at a beautiful girl and admire what she has, what her parents gave her. What i find more enviable are talents and insightfulness. Or confidence and self assurance. This is because these are things i feel i lack and things i desire. I do not have a problem with the way i look, my philosophy is we are what we are, why cry over something that cant be changed, I am more than happy with my physicality because i am strong, healthy, and well adjusted to who i am on the outside. Its the inside i have always had issues with, hence why when i see a woman who has conquered her demons, is intelligent, strong, witty and open I suppose in a way i do feel envy, because these are things i have yet to accomplish fully for myself.
Envy is an extension of our own insecurities and i suppose thats why people with little insight into themselves always seem to be the most envious. For example; Lads.
Generally, and i do mean GENERALLY they arent the most intelligent of sub cultures, hence the bashing of people for their belongings and the insults to attractive girls. Why would a young girl insult another on the street? Someone theyd never met before?? because something is happening in their subconcious that they dont understand. They are recognising something in this girl that they cant see in themselves.
I remember years ago, when i was about 15 i went out for Mardi Gras and was drinking in Hyde Park, i got into some kind of fight with this group of Nautica clad girls and one of them screamed "look at you in your short skirt". Ok, i was a 15 year old girl, are we supposed to wear full body jumpsuits or matching Wu-Tang tracksuits? So i said "im a girl..."
The thing is it wasnt that she was jealous of me or the fact that I was wearing a short skirt that annoyed her, it was the fact that she wasnt comfortable enough in herself to wear one and she most likely, subconciously or not, wished she could. But having such little insight into herself and her emotions those feelings re-directed themselves into hatred for me.
At the time i just thought she was a crazy, muscly, woman hater. Of course i now know that not to be the case.

Envy is pointless, redundant. With the energy it takes to fuel it you may aswell run on the spot for 10 minutes because it achieves nothing.
I wish people, girls ecspecially could learn these lessons earlier, before their body image is morphed and poisoned. Before they start to hate someone else because their 5 kilos lighter, or have longer hair. As corny and over used as it is, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder we need to worry about is ourselves.
The tall girl feels awkward because of her height, the short girl feels awkward because of her weight. The grass is always greener, and we always desire the things we cant have. So why do it?
When i grew up a bit and realised because of my poor childhood i now appreciate everything i have, i can relate to people of any walk of life, i am wiser and more empathetic because of it; I became thankful for missing out on things when i was little because it made me more of the person i respect.
When i look in the mirror i see a strong, healthy girl, but more importantly i see myself. What I look like. The universe doesnt care whether you like your outside or not, and you cant change it so we may aswell love what we were given, and feel happy for everybody else who does too.

Being envious is fucking lame.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

3 stages of love..

Lust, Physical attraction and Emotional Attachment

"Romantic feelings or lust is the first stage of love. Romantic love is driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage of love; it creates strong physical attraction and sets the stage for emotional attachment. In this stage of love, endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you. In this stage of love you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout). You feel infatuated in this stage of love.

Physical attraction and power struggles make up the second stage of love (the "lovesick" phase). You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. In this stage of love, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is where the power struggles come in. In this stage of relationship, you're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about things like whether or not to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infatuation fade.

Emotional attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment involves commitment, partnership, and even children (a fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). In this stage of love, you're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage of love (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage of love). You and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits. - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen "

I believe that when you reach the point of emotional attachment and unconditional acceptance it takes you back to the begining, when your hormones were out of control, when you felt like your heart is almost beating for this person and nobody else exists, because its a whole new thing, its the natural human desire for companionship at its highest, when you realise this person can see you, really see you, no bullshit lies or masks of make up or fancy trickery. Just you. And everything is ok with them, even the bad. It can bring back to the initial desire and intensity you felt for the person in the begining because its a whole differnt thrill. the feeling of comfortability to be who you are with no restrictions and feeling safe in exposing those parts of yourself that nobody else really see's.
I used to think love was about intensity and this all encompassing feeling that almost ate you up, but that isnt love, that is lust, that is romantic attraction, it is the desire FOR emotional attachement and unconditional acceptance yet to no prevail. Meaning; when love is crazy like that it has reached a point of no extension. Either one party is willing to stay in the point of lust and never move forward, or there was nowhere to move to in the first place.

We can get lost inside love if it doesnt give us what we want, if it cant accept us and our flaws, because ultimately in this society today with all the fancy bullshit and distractions all we truly want is for someone to accept us, want us, love us and only us, Unconditionally.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I like this view...

you give me

Laughter, safety, warmth and love, never doubting, never wavering. Always and forever comfortable. Real happiness.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

I want you to be happy, thats what i want. I want for you to wake up in the morning and be so excited by the sunshine, so excited to make a plan for yourself. How can you not see what you are doing, what you are becoming? Who you are becoming. Who are you becoming? because you are not the person i knew before.
I want you to find love, real love from a man, someone who treats you like a woman, not a possession, someone who doesn't only want to fuck you on sight but wants to hang out with you, go to the park with you, be around you and make you laugh, someone you are yourself with, who you can be a child with, who you can be scared infront of. Someone real and functioning in this world who loves life and loves you.
I want you to have sex, real loving sex with somebody you know and trust and who makes you feel good about yourself, not as though you need to be this wild person. No expectation sex. Just comfortable and real.
i don't want you to be hardened by life, i dont want you to surround yourself with the things that make you dissapointed in humanity. I want you to keep some child-like innocence.
Most of all i want for you to want these things, i want for you to love life, to participate in it and let the world know youre not giving up yet. Its not that bad out there, there are good things aswell as bad, If only you would open your eyes and see how much you are missing out on, how much the world can give to you if you just try to be light again.
It isnt easy, but if i can do it you can too.
I want to help you, but you dont want it. So all i can do is want these things for you and pray to whoever it is that listens, pray that you will see it someday soon.

i love you and i'm sorry.

turn it on, for me.

Life is a series of choices, and when youve chosen to be in the dark for so long light seems like poison.
But light is what we need to fuel us, to make us more than just exist, to make us alive.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


sometimes i think one of the best things in life is lying next to someone and feeling the warmth from them. Not touching but knowing they are there and their heart is beating and their blood is flowing, and you can feel it.
It can heat your whole body if you let it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

You give yourself away

One thing I have learnt, if nothing else so far is that love should not be all encompassing. One life should never be substituted for another and we don’t have to feel something so much that it hurts us for it to be real. It doesn’t need to make you cry, or ache, it doesn’t need to make you scared or needy. It shouldn’t be a love song or a romantic movie, it should be reality. Because all that other shit is just fantasy, a fairytale written by Disney in which we all get saved by a magic prince charming who takes us away from our pain and our past heartbreaks. Someone to make you forget all the bad things. But that doesn’t happen here, life happens.
Its a beautiful fantasy to get caught up in, a beautiful idea that one cant live without the other, but the truth is we can and we have to. The only way to be realistic is to have your heartbroken and to make the mistakes that you have to promise yourself to never make again, and maybe thats only possible by shutting down for a while, or becoming a realist. All i know is being a little bit closed off is far easier than giving yourself away.
I’m not anti love, i’m more of a believer than most, but what i don’t believe in is giving so much of yourself away that you have nothing left.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Good V Nice V Me V Bad

To me nice implies a behaviour. To me, a "nice" person acts pleasently towards others, to anyone, everyone. They are agreeable and accomodating. Whereas a "good person" can perhaps do bad things but their core being is good. Anybody can be nice, anyone can act pleasently- John wayne Gacy seemed to be a pretty ncie guy, even the fucking mayor dug him but underneath that nice exterior was one of the gnarliest monsters of our time, he was sadistic and evil. Most serial killers seem to be the nicest people around.

To me nice aint worth shit, nice is a behaviour, a mere replica of how people think people should behave. Nice is boring, nice is the colour lavender, it eventually bores the shit out of you or turns out to be a psychopathic let down.

Is it good enough to be lying on our death beds and someone says "gee its a shame to lose such a nice girl"

But to be a good person isn't a quality or a behaviour one can learn, it isnt a trait as nice can be, it is a persons beliefs, their character and soul. It is what they are underneath the layers of nicety's, pleases and thankyou's. To be a good person is a fucking hard thing at times, its something you have to work at your whole life, to not let beliefs be swayed by popular opinion and what seems good at the time, to hold no sexisms or racisms or biggotry. To truly care about other people, and i dont mean by giving up your bus seat or fucking holding the door open for a girl, but by recognising and trying to understand the bigger picture, humanity.

To try and understand why people do what they do, instead of jumping to immediate conclusions and hatreds, to be understanding and being able to feel empathy, not sympathy, but empathy.

The argument between nice and good is a no brainer, but the battle to be good is one i think humanity will always struggle with.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

People come and go...


The complexity of emotion astounds and intrigues me so much. Feelings can only be described by words so no true, 100% accurate description and explanation can ever be given because they are all just based on perception and the personal feeling that’s associated with an event or memory.There’s a million things going on in our brains to create a reaction to something but why does it happen and why for so long or so little? How is the time frame of an emotion decided? Why can one person move on from an event so easily while another can't even hear or think about it without crying? Maybe it’s due to life experiences, childhood memories or things that happened to us when we were young, a break up may be far worse for one person because they felt they’d never been loved before, or were insecure and felt isolated as a kid so to lose someone who they loved like family would seem a far worse event than to someone else who grew up safe and secure, knowing that their parents loved them, knowing they had a steady place to fall. Do all reactions and emotions stem from our early childhood years? Or do they differ due to the experiences we go through in our older years? It could have nothing to do with either and just be that some are just more feeling, while others are more lateral and logical. Logic versus raw emotion.There was a test done on baby monkeys, both were taken from their mothers at an early age, one was put into an enclosure that represented the wild with no other living thing, just a steel frame that dispensed food, the other was put in another replica of the wild with the same kind of steel frame but this time it had a furry cushion attached to it. The monkey who was brought up without the cushion grew up to be temperamental, afraid, and seemingly cold. He reacted more wildly to things and wouldn’t leave the side of the steel frame; he would eat the food it dispensed for him and occasionally sit on the ground at the bottom of it, but would always climb back up and never venture more than a few feet away. The monkey with the cushion was very attached to it, but he grew up to be far more relaxed, he would adventure around, foraging and occasionally playing. Still nowhere near as secure as a one who would have had a real mother but far more emotionally developed than the monkey without anywhere soft to lie, or place to curl up in and sleep that felt comforting. So I guess that proves our upbringing's no matter how subtly different are probably at the heart of all our reactions, fears and emotions. Jealousy doesn’t seem like a natural emotion, I think that has to do with ownership. Mine, Mine, Mine, you can’t have. Which dates back to the days of cave men, fighting for food and a safe place to sleep, and also relates to children, whether or not they were made to share when young, if they had siblings. Would someone who was an only child and never had to share with someone else grow up to be a more jealous adult? I believe they probably would. for someone who had a large family and was used to seeing things they saw as their own being used by others perhaps as an adult it would be easier for them to see an ex partner with someone else?Who fucking knows, I’m no scientist or whatever it is that investigates this shit but it intrigues me so much, I believe to overcome things you have to fully understand them and what better way to be an intelligent well adjusted person than to fully understand the dynamics of emotion, However I don’t think that could even be possible..Love and hate are the 2 that give me the most to think about because I am a person who feels things without reason and at a large extent, I’m not logical. I'm emotional. I think I am only beginning to get a grasp on how to handle my emotions because when I first started feeling things they were so new and intense, BECAUSE I felt them without reason or the desire to understand them.Everything is seemingly more complex due to today’s changing and intense circumstances, our minds are overwhelmed with things they aren’t trained to handle, in the primate days we were FOOD FOOD FOOD, PROCRIATE, EAT, SLEEP in a constant rotation. Now its FOOD, WORK, SEX, BEING SINGLE, BEIGN IN A RELATIONSHIP, KIDS, MONEY, SCHOOL, SUPERANNUATION, TAX, TRAFFIC, FIGHTS, BOOZE, DRUGS BLA bla bla, it’s too much, so we have to readjust our understanding of our minds and emotional intelligence.Love and Hate are twins, yet polar opposites, both the extremes but without one you can’t have the other and at times with one COMES the other, after love at times comes hate because it’s been to extreme to just go back to neutral. But why?? Instincts? Ownership? Fear? Instinctual Ownership.Sexual ownership and jealousy are fuelled by past sexual desires and the need to feel special. Does he do that with her? Do they fuck like we did? To find a mate is a goal of humanity, whether we like to admit it for most it is the ultimate goal of life, to not be lonely, to grow old with someone. To Breed. That is our nature. And fucking is a part of that cycle. Sexual ownership doesn’t really apply to people we just sleep with on a whim, it only seems to exist among those who have shared emotional sex, sex with someone they love or were with for a while. Someone they felt an emotional connection with. So to know that someone who, subconsciously or not, could have been a "life partner' or breeding mate is doing the things they did with you to someone else, this breeds jealousy which leads to contempt. Contempt being an emotion I personally believe to be fairly new to humanity.Anyway I could go on and on, it’s all too fucking fascinating and endless.I suppose my goal is to be a master of my own mind, to understand what I’m doing and why. To feel things but not be ruled by them.Emotion- love, jealousy, fear, hatred, sexuality, worry, happiness are never going to disappear nor should we ever want them to, but the only way to not be an overwrought crazy person fuelled by them is by knowing the reasons why and asking yourself questions. I am my own god and only I can provide insight into myself, no matter how many shrinks, counsellors, teachers,adults, psychologists or"best friends" you speak to, nobody can know the answers you want, or even the questions you're really asking except yourself

Saturday, September 5, 2009


I think its time for a change, Myspace is cramping my style. I've written too many things about shit i'd rather forget so heres a new start as such i suppose. So i can write shit for strangers to read and convince myself it somehow helps my psyche.
I'll start from yesterday.