Saturday, October 10, 2009

Why do i drink?

Ive been asked this question by countless people, whether it have been my friends, boyfriends, mother, grandmother, psychologists. Anyone significant in my life has asked me, why do i drink?
I spose being young and dumb i never wanted to think too much about it in case i scared myself. Even though deep down i know the reasons. We all know why we do things if we look hard enough at ourselves. I spose at times it seems easier not to do so.
I dont even know who reads this blog, or if anyone does. I suppose i write it because of that reason. It gives me a sense of relief to put the information inside my head out into the world, it makes it seem not so bad when it is down on paper, as though perhaps i am a little closer to figuring out whatever it is i'm trying to. I have a problem with alchohol, not that i drink regularly, of late i am drinking maybe once every fortnight or even less, its not so much the amount of booze i drink but instead what it does to me.
I started drinking when i was 13, life hadnt been particularly good for me and i was a very confused fucked up little girl. And at 13 thats exactly what you are, a kid. I drank goon excessively at a friends birthday party and i remember feeling the warmth of it in my veins as though it were warming me from the inside out, i felt confident and funny, i felt like i didnt give a fuck. So i drank more, and more, i didnt sip it, i skulled glasses of goon until i ended up out the front telling people about all these things that had happeneed to me, crying, horrible, upset, unable to walk , feeling sorry for myself. A little 13 year old girl paraleticlly drunk talking depressing shit to an underage audience of normal teens.
I cried the entire time.
You would think after that first experience that i wouldnt want to drink anymore, exposing all those parts of myself to people i didnt know should have been a deterent from ever wanting to act that way again. But i wasn't deterred, i was drawn to it. I wanted to drink more, i wanted to be like that again.
I was a very insecure and fucked up little kid, i was unsure of myself, i'd been picked on and made to feel lesser than others, i had no confidence no matter how loud or secure i seemed, i was insecure. And i knew that when i drank i didnt give a fuck, i didnt care what anyone thought, i wasn't scared of anyone, i didnt want to impress anyone, i said what i thought when i was wasted and i liked that.
So i kept drinking.
I drank every weekend, i wagged school to drink. And each time i had booze i would end up talking about my childhood, opening up to anyone and everyone, exposing myself. I believe i did this because i had never been able to do so before. Alot of things in my life were kept secret and i was never allowed to be 100% truthful with my friends, so when i drank it was like the flood gates opened and i could be honest and vomit all the dark litttle things i kept inside me all over the world. I suppose in a way drinking seemed like some kind of freedom to me.
And in the haze of this period i grew up and out of my age, through the blur of those years i started taking drugs and having sex, and that was like a whole other level of rawness because it was only when i was drunk that i would act promiscuously. And i let men in that i would never touch or look at while sober, I turned my back on boys my own age because i was doing things that they werent, i was "older". And this is the misconception of not only me, but i think most girls at this age, we become fooled by our own bravado and we think we are invinsible. Thats why the loss of virginity is happening so early, why our first drink is at ages 10-13. I let boys and men do things to me because i thought I was the powerful one, it was as though i was emulating what i saw adult women doing in movies, on the street, in my mind. Trying to be a sexual being when inside i was just a scared little kid still playing handball and watching disney flicks. When i was out getting drunk and having sex other girls at my school were... fuck, you know what i couldnt tell you what they were doing because i was never there, but they sure as fuck weren't out on the street in the middle of the night seeing how many boys they could be with and competeing with girls 7 years their senior.
I would act as though i had it better than them, as though i were some kind of cool cat and they were losers still playing with dollies. But inside i wished so much to be accepted by them, i wished so much that the boys they were hanging out with liked me like that, but it just didnt happen for me that way, i chose the opposite route.

Over the years some fucked up shit has happened due to my drinking, ive been in fights, ive been bashed, ive been to court, ive spent a night in jail, been to hospital twice, almost died, overdoseed, tried to commit suicide, woken up covered in bruises the size of my head, ive lost friends and boyfriends, made enemies, let down my family, pulled people down, hurt myself and others, been wholly and inexplicably ashamed of myself and I know that most of the bad things about me and in my life exist due to my drinking. Yet i still do it.

Sounds pretty fucking retarded and doesn't seem to make any sense; even i dont understand it, so all i can do is piece together the parts that do make a bit of sense to me and see how it fits together.

I am over analytical. If i am not completely comfortable with a person i overanalyse their behaviour and my own. This hinders me in the sense that i find it difficult to bond with people. It is rare for me to meet a person who i wish to pursue a friendship with. This isnt because i believe myself to be better than anyone else, its more that i have such little faith in my own skills that i at times feel i have nothing to offer. This is a viscious cycle because when i am out and drunk my personality is that of an over confident, dissmissive, arrogant, self assured person. This i am not. So in my own mind i suppose i find the idea of exposing my sober self to be incredibly daunting. Very few people know who i actually am and I suppose in a way i like that.
Although i do like people and i can be social, i am very much a loner, i suppose this stems from growing up as an only child, the overanalysis of human behaviour makes it difficult for me to open up and relax with others.
Much like when i was 13 taking my first sip of achohol and realising that it became such a successful social lubricant, still at 23 i feel i need it in order to relax enough to open up to people. This creates a cycle or fake friendships and peoples pre and mis concieved ideas of who i am which furthers my own doubts and insecurities.
I have alot of overwhelming thoughts alot of the time, i think about things far too much and too deeply, and when i drink its as though that barrier I hold up between myself and alot of the world drops and i can relax. However fake and silly this may be, it makes me able to talk to people without noticing every flick of the hand or scratch of the face.
But when i drink too much the barrier becomes something else, it reaches a new stage, I am no longer jovial, that part of the transission as such is over, and i get down to this dark place, the place where i hide everything, the place that gets ignored alot of the time. THIS is when i do bad things, when i say bad things, when i get in fights and arguments. When i hurt people i love.
People say that your true self comes out when youre drunk, i dont believe this to be entirely true, however it is accurate to some extent. That angry, sad, dark part of myself that comes out when im so wasted i am no longer in control is not me, but it is a part of me.
I want to try and make as much sense with this writing as i can because im not even thinking right now, its just coming out and im hoping that when i read it i can have an understanding.
The dark part is what is ignored, it is everything that i dont want to recognise, it is everything i dissmiss, it is the small hurtful thought that i push down and tell to fuck off. I do not drink to reach that part, but each time i drink it reaches me.
And i know i could change all this by simply not drinking, to someone who has never had an addiction it would seem so fucking simple. But drinking whether it be excessive, binge, daily, is just the same as any other addiciton and for me it isnt physical, by no means do i have a physical addiction to it, it is purely mental.
I have used drinking as my security blanket for the past ten years, it has been there when i was sad, angry, when i was heart broken, lonely, happy, excited. It has been there longer and more reliably than any friend ir boyfriend ive ever had. Almost every significant event or moment in my life has either been chamiserated or celebrated with booze.
It has been a social lubricant since i first started socialising, it has been the aphrodisiac that made me comfortable enough to have sex since i started having sex. In so many ways it has defined me, who i am and what i do since i was born. I say since i was born because my father was alcholic, so were both my grandfathers. No matter how much i have said i wanted it to change, im not sure i really did because alcohol is my excuse.
The other day i woke up hungover and nigel was yelling at me about something i'd done that i couldnt remember, my 2 great friends were angry with me yet i had no idea what i had done, i went into the bathroom and held a knife in my hand and just kept thinking, i wish i were dead, i wish i were dead, i wish i were dead. and the thing is, in that moment, i really did wish i was dead. I thought oh god how easy everything would be if i could just die. There would be no worries, or hurt or shame.
Later in the night i thought about it and realised it is not life that does these things to me, it is not life that hurts me and my freinds, it is not LIFE that turns me into a fucking monster, it is alcohol.

...And yet still I could not tell you one hundred percent that i will never drink again...
and thats the scariest fucking thing of all.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I think everybody is so lonely, but they never admit it. Surrounded by a thousand people doesn't mean you won't hear yourself anymore, it just means that when you do the sound will be deafeningly loud and too hard to understand.
Sometimes i feel crazy, time's like right now.

Monday, October 5, 2009

One thing i have learnt so far in my life is that love is not enough. We are force fed disney bullshit from such a young age, and hollywood romantic bullshit in adult hood that we have too much faith in the fantasy of it.
INfact i am begining to believe the more you start to love someone the more difficult it becomes to sustain a functional relationship. Perhaps this is only the case with people like myself who are emotionally retarded and ruled by instinct and impulse.
I believe at times you can love someone so much that it is TOO much. A desire becomes a need and that is unhelthy, a want becomes a yearning and your mind becomes incapable of keeping up with itself. And when one lets the other down it is as though your world can come crashing down, as though your heart is broken when in the real world where you are sane and capable it would be resolved in probably just a stupid argument.
It is as though you love this person so much your emotions go crazy, your wires get all crossed and fucked up until you dont know what each emotion even is anymore. Slight irritation becomes nasty contempt, small insecurities become full blown jealousies and you both become like 2 negative magnets, no matter how hard you push and push you will always repel one another, you can never connect the way you need to.
I believe this is the type of love people are refering to when they say, love hurts. And it does, when it is like that it can be fucking painful.

People need to be equal, nobody should have to be the punching bag for someone elses unresolved issues and no matter how much you love someone if it doesnt work, and if you hurt eachother more than you make eachother feel good, then it is crazy to sacrifice eachothers sanity, Crazy love.
This is the relationship where you break up and get back together probably several times because you know what you had was real, you know what you felt for eachother was honest as fuck and thats why its so hard to let go. You keep coming back with the hope that you have both changed enough to make it work, but then you end again in a field of tears and hurt.
I have only been in one relationship like that, one in which i experienced emotions i never had before where i loved this person so much i thought noone would ever measure up, and the most horrible part of it all was when I realised that although I loved this person with my entire heart and fucking soul we simply could not be together.

I think when that relationship ended i let a part of myself die along with it, the part that became too vunerable and powerless to my own emotions and the person i am with now will probably pay a small price for that in the sense that i am incapable of completely letting go. I will always remain in complete control of what i am feeling because i am so afraid of loving somebody like that again. And i dont think that is necassarily a bad thing. I only do what i need to in order not to hurt people, not to hurt myself and to make sure i never push him away from me.
I am capable of love, infact I am in love. But its not like that, its not crazy love and thats ok, thats what i want, with it comes stability, calmness, babies, marriage, future and all the things a person like me needs to be safe and sane.

But you never forget it.