Tuesday, December 14, 2010

14th December 2010

Growing up I had little to no guidance from adults, I mean I was left to my own devices alot, left to discover my own moral standards as my influences weren't exactly angelic. I mean when i think of it metaphorically I imagine myself, in a big empty room trying to decide what to do. thats how i imagine my childhood. Me, little and confused trying to discover the right thing to do.
Dont get me wrong, i had a loving family but being an only child in, at times, very tumultuous surroundings made me quite a suspicious and confused person. I mean with people around you doing one thing yet feeling like perhaps theyre not doing what theyre supposed to is a pretty challenging state of mind for a 6 year old.
i believe as humans we naturally have instilled within us a moral standard. It is the oustide world that changes these. i mean of course there are exceptions, sociopaths, narscicists, psychopaths, people with a different chemical make up to the average human being, but i do believe people in general are born good.
It is merely our surroundings that can create evil. 2 girls born on the same day, both healthy and crying, soft little new born sponge's ready to soak up the world they are presented with, one born into a big, kind, loving, down to earth, educated and middle class family. The other born into a lower class, small family, living in housing commission with no support network, no education and a history of violence. Dont get me wrong, these are stereotypes and generalisations, but alot of the time these 2 girls will grow up to be 2 women worlds apart. Its the way of the world, The cycle of the rich getting richer, smart getting smarter. basically what im saying is we become what we are fed, we become the world around us and if we are presented with limited options, limited positive figures of influence we can grow into bad, lost, angry, sad people. Whatever.
Growing up with noone around and noone really telling you whats right or wrong leads to a rather confusing state of mind.
And ive discovered of late the battle I have been in; trying to keep my core morals alive when i'm not even sure if theyre the right core morals to have.
I imagine having a large, loving family with a consenus as to what is right or wrong makes it alot easier to have a more concrete idea of who you are. I however didnt have this so i was left kind of floundering around trying to decide for myself what is right and wrong, its still to this day why I get confused about my moral values and what type of person i am.
Its been a constant battle between the person i desire to be and the person I can sometimes become. Or the person society was telling me was right and the characters i was surrounded with.

I am an out of control drug taker, an alcoholic, a cynical closed off confused person who hates the world due to an intrinsic warped hatred of myself, and i am also an emphatically joyous, immature, intelligent, light, caring and patient person who is slowly learning to love not just others but myself aswell. The latter is who i can feel deep inside me, the adult I as a child should have become. The first is what the outside world told me was ok, that darkness was my saviour from ever having to get to know the real me, from ever really having to get to anybody else. Drugs make it so easy to get lost in the confusion, they make it so easy to never really have to get to know yourself or anyone else for that matter.
They allowed me to think I had a real social life, real friends, a real idea of who I am, when in reality it was a mashed up version of non events and blurry memories, regrets and horrible nights out that resulted in days of anxiety. These are the reasons i believed i was so cynical, these are the reasons i felt so iscolated. i was iscolating myself.
To start a life without them is almost like a rebirth, a terrifying but exciting new begining where i will feel awkward in social situations but proud when i go home at 11pm and tuck myself into bed knowing i did nothing to be ashamed of.
I know i am an addict, I know I have used drugs and alcohol as a crutch for much of my life, they are what started relationships and what ultimately ended them, they are what made me happy, but destroyed me, they are what fuelled friendships and what ended them. TO be wasted makes me feel free of the constraints of my life, but really it is the jail that has always kept me from ever truly being free.
The thought of life without them is terrifying but in the most exciting and hope filled sense.

Give me the strength to do whats right, because i cant keep being wrong anymore. And if you know me and you care then keep them away from me and know that i want this to be it for me, 24 and just learning to walk without anything jading my view. I want freedom.

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