Friday, September 23, 2011

Are we always the same, eternally unable to escape the dark past, the promiscuous past, the saddness, the bad times that haunt us. Are we one thing forever? is this what you are telling me?
If so then what would be the point in continuing, never growing, never learning, always remaining the same; stagnant and small.
Should I have thrown down my sword a long time ago and given up? i could've thrown myself under a bus, hung myself from a tree to spare you the disgust of having to see me happy. Would this have made more sense to you?

Is my life before so unforgivable? did i do something so atrocious that happiness should always abate me? What do I deserve if you fucking know me so well...Tell me; what do i deserve?

There is no logic in cruelty, the way it flows from some people seems completely natural as though it just couldn't be any other way.. this in itself should make what these people say useless and redundant. But it doesn't. Cruelty is cruelty and pain is pain. We cant escape the effects no matter how much we think we have grown or how adult we thought we had become. I still feel the little girl who was picked on at school, her endless confusion as to why people were so fucking mean.. I feel the lost teenager, the scared teenager, the wild teenager. the emerging adult, the newlywed, the happiness, the unkindness of others and the current disappointment in other people.

What people say shouldn't matter but when some fat fuck is demoralising what should be the best moment in anyones life, spouting words they have no right to speak about me, about us.. then what more is there than disappointment. What more is there than brushing yourself off and continuing?

Yeah, i've made mistakes, plenty of them and i own each and every one of them. But all you are is one big fucking mistake who makes no apologies, full of hatred and nastiness...

what a miserable fucking existence.