So after a day like today and a minor emotional breakdown it seems i feel good again. Its as though once i make a decision about something i can move up and out of my state of self pity.
For some reason all i can visualise is riding my bike and listening to music, the sun's shining and Mayble is with me and everything feels good. Right now, moments like these are my favourite. Its as though my real life takes over and everything else falls by the wayside. I can be free. An over analytical mind is my biggest downfall, the way i attach myself to a thought and can't let go of it until it makes sense to me, so if it just simply doesnt make sense then i never truly rid myself of it.
Tomorrrow i'm going to wake up early and have a shower with Nigel, then i'm going to get a smoothie and go to work. I love it when he drives me to work, being awake together when the air still has that crispness to it, It makes me feel human and a part of something. I got really excited thismorning because he came into my work's cafe for a coffee, the smallest things can make me ecstatic. Like catching a train with someone ive never caught one with, or listening to a certain song as i walk past the harbour. I listen to "Poor Boy" by Supertramp at least once a day, i ecspecially like to listen to it while im walking through Circular Quay at around 7am, its as though im completely free of responsibility and weight when i listen to that song and for the rest of the day i feel completely unweighted by anything.
I was reading a bit of Shantaram the other day which is a novel written by Gregory David Roberts,i havent read much of it but from what i know he was a Heroin addict and convcited of crimes in australia but escaped and rellocated to India where he hid for many years, the book begins with this "It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what i know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant while i was chained to a wall and being tortured.. I realised somehow through the screaming in my mind, that even in ths shackled, bloody helplessness, i was still free: Free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesnt sound like much, i know, but in the flinch and bite of the chain, when its all youve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. and the choice you make between hating and forgiving can become the story of your life"
Ive talked about this before, inner freedom. Of course ive never been through any of the shit the author has been through but when i read it, it made sense. All the things that weigh us down, fill us with the weight of others and ourselves, theoretically it can all be escaped. Because (in my own life) it is a choice. The mind is a very capable thing, and with the enabling tools we can remove ourselves from situations, and choose how we react. The most frustrating thing about all of this is how aware i am of the fact. My old psychologist used to say i had a good insight into my own issues, which i find just makes the whole thing more infuriating because wouldnt you think you could reach some kind of solution when you know what the problem is?
Whether or not i'll ever really get to where i want to be emotionally is a question i have absolutely no answer to, but what i do know is that I can be free of it all if i want to be, when im ready to be, and life isnt so fucking bad afterall.
I'm going to listen to records this weekend, watch movies, ride my bike and be rid of everyone and everything that reminds me of anything that hurt. Just for one weekend, completely free.
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