Friday, January 14, 2011

Life is so wild man, sometimes the things we think are going to be the worst turn out to be the best decisions we can make.
Fuck I was scared about what would happen if I ever just walked out of my job. As in how would i pay rent, would it be hard to get another job. I've already got my ticket booked overseas so what the fuck would I do without a job.
uh get another one.
ive been getting pissy the past few days, because i can. To be able to go and have some beers and watch a band, sleep in, make a cake, go snorkelling. And then make one phone call and have another job lined up for Monday.
Lifes so fucking easy sometimes man, it makes the bad times seem like a distant memory, a dream I once had that I cant really remember. Life is too short to worry or to spend 40 hours a week at a job I cant stand. Anything that further lessens my faith in human ability is a bad thing, and that place blew any faith i had left out of the water. People can be stupid. Enough said.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I think I make people treat me badly. Maybe I push them so far into resentment and anger that they just can't care for me anymore...
A kind, loving face becomes closed to me and nothing i say or do can get me back in.

I think I am made to be alone.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


You can cry until the fucking cows come home but what will it solve? What has it ever solved.. My self indulgent wollowing, rolling around in bed torn between crying and smothering myself in my pillow. I caught a glimpse of myself, eye makeup all over my face, puffy crying eyes. God, what a fucking eye sore. I need sleep, i havent had any since wednesday, the nights are too hot and my nightmares are fucking out of control. I wake up to stop them, go back to sleep and pick right up where i lfet off. Thanks subconcious.
I dont believe a relationship makes you whole, i used to "you complete me" Whatever. That theory leads me nowhere but to co dependency. I know i can be alone, i know it. But life is so much more fun with 2.
When my ex boyfriend and i broke up i was also quitting bongs, i;d smoked everyday for almost 2 years, the combination of heart ache and withdrawels made me want to die. Not so much so that i would kill myself but i just wanted to CEASE. The pain was too much, i remember watching the trains go by and thinking how easy it would be to just throw myself infront of one, it would only hurt for a split second and then i would feel nothing. The pain of heartbreak makes us contemplate death. How pathetic. But truly, when you lose the person you love it is like a death, as though a part of you is stripped away never to be seen again, but what about the slow descent of a relationship, the snide remarks, the lack of affection, that little nigling feeling that seomthing isnt right, it eats away at you like a slow flesh eating disease. Starting with a dull ache and ending with the stabbing pains. All of its as bad as eachother, pain. Hurt, saddness. Loss. But what i realised after my ex boyfriend and i split is that that slowly but surely the pain begins to subside, suddenly you find yourself laughing again, looking at other people, feeling happy. The pain doesnt go completely but it dims like a slow burning candle. Until one day, everythings ok. And suddenly life can be beautiful again, full of hope and positivity. Thats what i want in any capacity, and however i can get it. I want positivity. I want to be happy. No matter what i have to do to get there. There is only one past behind us, but immeasurable futures infront. And that should be comforting right??
RIGHT!? haha
Everything will work out, to worry is futile.


I could've been different, i couldve lied, i couldve been perfect. I couldve been someone else. But i'm not. I'm me. And I cant be anything else. Not for you, not even for myself.
All the good I do is marred by the past, It weighs me down when you remind me, the weight of my life, his life, our life. My family. When will it free me? I am trying so hard.
Lying in the bed crying, listening to the tracks that made me miserable in highschool. Waiting for the phone to ring, or an answer, clarity. Usually i would drink, but thats what got me here in the first place.
What is worth this? Nothing? Or have i just forgotten...