Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Last night I felt you for the first time, I lay on my back and ran my hand across my lower stomach to find a perfectly round little ball hiding underneath. I lay and wondered for a good hour if that was there before, convincing myself you were still too small to be felt so easily and this lump was my muscle or my belly still full from dinner. But as I moved so did you, as I poked and prodded I realised this was something I had never felt before, a new addition to my body. My baby. so we lay here like that - you still so tiny and unaware, me so in awe that beneath my hand I could feel you, that you are growing and you're ok. I know in a few months i'll be heavy and tired, youll be big and overwhelming, but right now just to feel you that way , to feel you for the first time, just us laying there in the quiet darkness, I couldve floated away into the sea of hopes and dreams I have for us all. I rested my hand over you, as I will every night from now and every night when you arrive, and fell asleep.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
For two nights I woke up not knowing where I was, unafraid but confused as to how old I was, which bed I was sleeping in and whose warm and comforting body it was that lay next to me. Mum? am I 12 again in our little flat overlooking the harbour sleeping next to you because of bad dreams? Am I young and innocent? Am I happy or sad? Am I content with the circumstances that led me to this moment of wonder... So I lay there and quietly replayed my life, listened to the sounds of the room, the sounds that will me to sleep every night and I remembered it's my husband quietly snorring next to me, it's our room with the small french doors and the over flowing clothing rack, the chest of drawers at the foot of our bed full of memories and photgraphs, the familiar shadows on the wall, the bed side table with the collage of our lives, memories, friends, books, albums and my dog is sleeping soundly at the door. Its then that I feel relief. Relief that the pain is gone, relief that I have no shame or secrets, no real worries and no broken heart. I realise that I am happy and everything surrounding me is a culmination of that happiness... Which is when I remember you and I reach down to my stomach, feel the warm flesh under which I know youre hiding and I smile because I know there is no family or home you could be born into that would be filled with more love and happiness than the one i'm going to give you. There is no time or place for you except this one right here with me. The nightmares are gone, the late nights are gone and all there is right now is this and I went back to sleep knowing everything is going to be ok.