Everybody's life goes on. Late nights, girls nights, cocktails, red wine, all the things I loved to do are now being done without me. It's ok, this isn't a lament - infact I still enjoy hearing all about it, the dramas in which I could have been embroiled, the gossip sessions that i'm sure I would have been a guest star in had life continued as it were. But here I am, in bed at 9.30 having spent the afternoon baking breakfast muffins and banana loaves, reading obsessively and watching documentaries about serial killers while falling in and out of sleep. The odd phone call and catch up reminds me that life outside remains the same and to not feel sad that it carries on as always regardless of my absence. Perhaps there had been a small part of me that thought life would be just that little more mundane without my mental behaviour at 3am, but there's always someone else ready to step up when necessary.
Obviously motherhood is life changing, however pregnancy is deceptive because although in a few short weeks my baby will be here and I will have embarked on real life, actual motherhood, right now I just feel like me; same old, able bodied me capable of doing all the things I used to yet restricted in the most important way possible..
The funny thing is, I dont actually miss it, I dont even wish I could be there, infact when I think deeply enough about it all I let out this big, relieved sigh of 'thaaaaank fuck'... because when would it have ended- the sleepless nights and unrellenting search for what would complete me? It wouldn't have because I was too blind to see that it was all right here, right infront of my stupid face, as I gazed into the abyss furiously searching for more, more, more the more I wanted was waiting patiently for me at home, waiting quietly in some little space inside me never arrogant enough to pipe up and yell "hey idiot, keep yourself company tonight, forget the bottle"
Of course this is my life, my story and by no means do I ever look down my nose at my friends choices, infact I cannot stand high and mighty pregnant women/mothers who scoff at their childless friends, mock their freedom and choices through some jaded belief that motherhood is the only path worth walking, because lets be honest - we all know that seering judgement i've heard so many times is laced with just a dash of jealousy and nostalgia. If only we could all admit that then perhaps the strain that can sometimes be put on mothers and their childless friends would be lifted.
The minute we are made aware of that baby inside us - life as we know it is over and that probably scares the living shit out of alot of women, just like it did me. But instead of looking down the barrel of the pregnancy gun and admitting "hey maybe there are some things I didnt get to do"or "gee willickers i might actually miss getting shit faced sometimes" alot of us merely scoff at our old lives, and I dont want to be that person. Because frankly it all had a time and a place and everyone makes their own choices due to their own story, for me in particular the path I was walking prior to my baby being concieved just didnt suit me anymore, I knew it deep down however everything was so engrained in what I knew as "my journey" that I had trouble breaking out of it on my own, I looked for answers in all the wrong places -
I looked for answers in my history, my parents, the bottle. I looked for answers where there werent any and spent so much time looking outside of myself that I had no idea who I really was..
..Dont get me wrong, I dont know exactly who I am right now, but we've been introduced, we're starting a dialogue and i'm beginning to think perhaps, just perhaps I'm actually not too bad of a gal.
As for pregnancy, well its been the biggest adventure of my life thus far, bigger and more important than any second that came before and the reason for this is because my baby has given me the gift of insight already, shes given me the gift of life without blinders and I owe her big time.