Tuesday, November 30, 2010

If i could tell the world just one thing, it would be..

It is a terrifying feeling to realise that what you once knew to be the truth is infact a lie. Even when the lie is no longer relevent and life has grown and morphed into something better and different, the realisation still feels like a death.
And all that is left is this feeling in my stomach that i want to throw up out of my body, rid myself of so i can feel new and separate, shake it off me like a bad case of fleas.
Today is a bad day, if the rain subsides then tomorrow will be better, i just need to think of Nigels smile and see that i am in the future, with him and myself and my dog and that this is real, all the other shit was just passing time.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Yes please.

You are someone else, i am still right here.

If only i could take back what i once felt, i wish i could say i learnt something other than the ability to cut someone to shreds with my words. 2 years of memory, of still holding a piece of you close. Thinking one day we would meet again and laugh, drink a beer, have a friendship. I have a part of you that you cant get back, but you have nothing of me. You used to own it all and now, now it's someone elses.
If I could go back and never have met you, i would in a heartbeat.
You were a mistake, and i want you to know it.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Free, to a good cause.

When everything is shiny and golden in one aspect of life another part starts to itch and ache for something else. i want my life to mean something, not just to myself but someone else aswell. a stranger. I want to give something that only I can give, I dont want to feel replaceable, regardless of whether I am or not. Work is work is work is work, but right now, i need more. Life is too short to waste being hidden, i am this way for a reason and I dont want to be any other way even if it would make a structured life more feasable.
They say change is as good as a holiday. GIVE IT TO ME.
Give me shelter with no money, give me love with no job, give me an unemployed walk in the sunshine and sex in the morning after we sleep in.
Do you think anyone on their death bed has thought "god i wish i worked more, please give me more time to work". Give me my rent money and an apple in the park. A lazy sunday with three bucks and a bottle of wine.
But life aint like that. And don't i know it.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Sometimes I don't know why people aren't walking down the street beaming with happiness, jaw's on the floor in amazement at all the beautiful things around us. Today i stood under the blossoming Jasmine tree and i almost cried. It was the first time i'd seen it in bloom, i wanted to lay under there until darkness, i wanted the leaves to fall and bury me. Simplify everything. The way the clouds creep in like a murderous thief stealing sunshine but leaving us fresh summer rain. Letting us feel the safety and warmth of our houses. So fucking lucky. If only this could be it, the feeling of nothingness and everything at the same time. Feeling connected to the earth the way we should. Feeling the moistness under our feet, not running from the rain but letting it wash us away. I wish we could always feel this way, the warm glow of the bedroom, the safety of the dog lying next to me. Safety. I have it and i am lucky to know that i have it. The simplicity of happiness. If only i always knew it were so easy.
This is what it is, if i could ever explain again, this is always what i've wanted.

Simplify everything. Its the only way to be happy.