Thursday, March 4, 2010

Iscolation

So i realised something on the weekend, no matter how much i feel like i grow or move away from things of the past it still all remains while i associate with people connected to it. No matter what i do, or however much i move on there will always be someone to remind me of things i have long wished to forget.
Even people that i have come to love and care for will always still bring it up, whether in their minds it is for my own good or for sub concsious satisfaction, who fucking knows how the human mind works. But what i do know is that i want so badly to move away from it. How can anything ever change when i choose to let the things around me remain the same? I am sick of talking about it, of being reminded. I am sick of the past making it so fucking hard to appreciate my present and my future, but the only reason this is the case is because i let it be. So what to do?
My job is fun, i love the people i work with and most of the time im happy when im there, but its draining and i get so tired. The job entails me to perform constantly, always happy and energetic, always running around and talking to people, being friendly and making conversation without it seeming forced, giving people my personality so they can have a fun day. Im ok with this, but today i just felt so tired, as though all of me was just..gone, drained because i'd given it to everyone else around me and all i could do was think about everything i internalise. When you feel completely drained of energy there is nothing left to distract you from how you really feel.
My past makes me feel lost, it makes me scared. It is as though i have no control over myself when i think about it, as though i become this weak person who is defined by a past relationship, past friendships, past mistakes. Alot of people in my life remind me of these things, therefore the thought of them brings up these emotions aswell. Which isn't fair, its not fair on me and it isn't fair on them. But i cant help it.
So, what do i do?
I need to get away, mentally. I need to escape all the shit that brings up these feelings so that i can realise how incredible my life actually is. Because IT IS. The life i have here at home is so full of happiness and love and comfort. I have a life here that is full of possibilities and for the first time i am planning things and looking towards the future with goals. And i may be afraid to completely let go of everything else, i suppose its that human, youthful fear of missing out on something, but what i'm begining to see is that if i don't let go of it then i will never truly be happy.
It may seem selfish to forsake people simply because they remind me of bad things in my life, but who cares? Isn't that what life is about? Living as happily as we can without hurting people around us.
Noone will ever let me forget my past if they think they know all about it or if they are still involved in it, I cant truly be happy if everything i surround myself with makes me feel scared and lost.
So i've got to get away from it all for a while.

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