Wednesday, October 31, 2012


I just looked at someone I used to be in love with and felt grossed out. Not in a jealous, bitchy way just literally kind of grossed out by them. The look of them. Nothing meaningful happened, I just stumbled across a photo and thought 'yuck'.
This is a fairly momentus occasion for me, because I used to be petrified of that feeling, as though once we love we must always have some semblance of that passion for the person otherwise what was the point? I can't believe this is the feeling I was so afraid of, not disdain or hatred, instead its just actual nothingness laced with a small dash of repulsion.
For years I would cling to romantic sentiments and washed up memories that lost meaning eons ago but would replay in my mind like some sad old Roy Orbison record. Even when happy and in love with my beautiful husband there would still be moments of nostalgia because my ridiculous brain that romantisizes EVERYTHING refused to see what was blantantly infront of it; someone I am neither mentally or physically attracted to ONE iota.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Halloween 2012

Tonight is the first night i've truly wanted to go out since I fell pregnant. On a Saturday. At night. And the only reason for this is it's Halloween and my favourite time of year. Instead I had Milk and Cookies while watching "Friends with Kids"

I havent missed it at all, "going out", infact this time of sobriety has been such a revelation and I couldnt be more thankful to my baby for giving me that gift, but god damn, I would have loved a cider in the sun today followed by gratuitous dress ups and a disgusting night out.
She's squirming in my stomach as I write this, reminding me I may feel left out or lonely, but I am never actually alone.
Remembering that makes any night out or halloween costume seem redundant.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Family ties

So 8 months now, and my, how the bloody time has flown. Everyone told me 'time flies' but of course I didnt believe it, always so impatient I thought i'd be pregnant forever, that i'd never show and never feel her move as much as I wanted to. But here it is, almost time for her to arrive and it feels like this mad dash to the finish line, as though we're on one of those game shows where you have to rush through the aisles of Kmart or Target and grab as much shit as you possibly can before the timer buzzes you out.

We've become addicts, sometimes I dont even know what i'm looking for yet i'm still looking. I still find myself perusing the pet rescue page every now and then swooning over puppies, kittens and rabbits - having to remind myself that soon my life will be, in a word, "dominated" by this new little creature we created and my fantasies of a menagerie will have to go on hold. Luckily Nigel "The Voice Of Reason" is always there to bring me down from my perch. I hope our baby has equal parts of us and isnt only her mothers daughter, otherwise we'll be drowning in animals by the time shes five.
I feel her moving all the time, strong determined movements as though theres not enough space anymore, which i'm sure there isnt. Sometimes she does funny things like moves in a pattern or does her "practice breathing" movements, she seems to have the hiccups at least 4 or 5 times a day, they're getting so strong now that I can almost hear them. Of course I cant really but they're so clear and forceful that they couldnt possibly be confused for something else anymore.
She makes me happy, already. We play little games now where she sticks her foot out and I tickle it, she pulls it away but sticks it back out again so I tickle it some more, sometimes she gets annoyed because I keep stroking her or poking her back so she squirms over to the otherside trying to get out of my reach. I cant wait to play these games when I can see her so she can look at me with interest and learn my face as i'll learn hers.
Shes already keeping me entertained, all day everyday. I even know what songs she likes. On Sunday we lay infront of the balcony doors with the sun streaming in and listened to music together, I know the songs she likes because she settles when I play them, when she doesnt like one she'll kick and squirm, so I change it to something more calming. Everyday is an adventure, every day is something new and exciting that we all share together, as though already we have created this little world that consists only of us and anyone else whose allowed in would have to be the luckiest person alive!

There is of course some fear, because what do I know about babies, i've barely even held someone elses let alone my own, but at the same time I feel in my heart that it will all be ok. When I walk into our home now all i feel is love, it oozes from the walls, to the kitchen, through the photos, our bedroom, the Nursery, all the way to our new spice rack. Its everywhere because we've made it so, it has become the type of home I wish I could have grown up in, secure and noisy with the smell of warm dinners wafting through the house every night at 7pm.
Life is becoming a wonderland, and the only thing that could possibly make it anymore complete will be our baby.
Family <3