Sunday, December 27, 2009

Katrina and The waves

"I used to think maybe you loved me
Now I know that it's true
And I don't wanna spend my whole life
Just a waitin' for you
And I don't want you back for the weekend
Not back for a day
I said baby I just want you back
And I want you to stay!"

Monday, December 21, 2009


We were lying in bed together, you were in the middle, on the other side of you was another girl.
I felt realy close to you, which i hadnt for a long time.

I woke up and you were having sex with the other girl laying next to you while i was asleep.
I couldnt breathe, i felt trapped and humiliated, but all you did was smile.

And all i could do was cry, and hate you for how you made me feel.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

party hard... bro.

So i was invited to join some group on facebook called "Get peodophiles like Dennis Ferguson off Facebook"
Ok, so by no means even in the slightest do i find child abuse funny, but this Lachlan character is one dumb mother fucker.

some dude posted a picture of some super deformed kid and wrote "if your kids looked like this maybe he'd stop!! Deform your kids, whatever it takes! or something dumb along those lines.

3 hours ago · View Feedback (18)Hide Feedback (18) · ShareUmberto Lupo likes this.
Joe Tait Probably not, Dennis would stop at nothing!!! He sickens me!!! I want to cut his fucking nuts off!
3 hours agoDennis Ferguson I'd hit it.
<strong>3 hours ago Matt Hunt Yeah, obviously you would be scared and hit the mutant, but then what would you do....?
2 hours ago Dennis Ferguson Have forced intercourse with it.
2 hours agoLachlan Balk-Dartnell Okay, I am not sure, but Dennis Ferguson and Matt Hunt, are you both just trying to stir the pot, or are you the actual person you say you are and are talking in honesty here?
2 hours agoMatt Hunt I am pretty sure Dennis is for real. I, in all , fairness, am fiding this quite amusing...
And thank you for clarifying dennis
2 hours agoLachlan Balk-Dartnell Okay, so the Dennis Ferguson, who commented above, is the real Dennis Ferguson?
2 hours agoMatt Hunt may well be, you'll have to ask him. I don't really want to know...
2 hours agoDennis Ferguson It is I.
2 hours agoLachlan Balk-Dartnell Well Dennis, that is highly sickening.
2 hours agoDennis Ferguson And you have a dumbass name.
2 hours agoLachlan Balk-Dartnell BAHAHA!! What a lame come back. You justify your words and actions with lame come-backs like that. Your just a dumbass, full stop.
2 hours agoDennis Ferguson You're just mad because you know you have pedophilic urges deep down inside.
2 hours agoLachlan Balk-Dartnell And that comment supports my statement above.
2 hours agoDennis Ferguson No, it supports that you want to fuck kids.
2 hours agoLachlan Balk-Dartnell I don't even know how to answer you, because what your saying is so far from the truth, and no matter how I reply, your going to find a way to turn it into something revolting. My best bet is to just ignore any future comments made by you on this photo, so that your thought of child abuse being acceptable does not further.
about an hour agoDennis Ferguson PARTY HARD, BRO.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A few things;

When do we credit ourselves? When are our achievements OURS? Not creddited to magic, mystics, gods or goddesses, Just merely achieved by the fucking desire to achieve something.
Why are we always searching? Why is it so impossible for some to just accept that we are mere humans, and maybe, just maybe thats it. Instead of spending so much time wishing and hoping to be something more, why not appreciate what you are right now?

To me freedom is not needing to be something else. And i dont mean we shouldnt want to grow as human beings and expand our knowledge, i mean to just. stop. trying. so. hard. Being different is not feeling the need to be so fucking different. To just relax and be who and how you are no matter the consequences. No matter who loves or loathes you. Not because you watched a documentary on anarchism and think you know what it means, just because it's who you are. Stop trying to emmulate, its all been done. Whats new now is not trying to prove yourself, it's not trying to be something so fucking new and fantastic. The desperate need to be different is a bright, shining, screaming sign of insecurity. Just relax, and when you shut the fuck up and stop trying so hard for 5 minutes maybe you'll start to realise who you are.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


There was a slightly overweight, awkward man on my train yesterday, next to him was a small asian boy and his grandfather. The boy had a transformer toy that attached to his finger, it flashed with loud colours when he pressed a button. I was sitting opposite them.
The overweight man looked at the young boy with a nostaligc smile as though the boys joy was so understandable and the overweight man can remember feeling the same way about a similar toy when he was a small boy. It made me happy to see him remember, and i loved the quiet fondness with which the man looked at the boy. I may just have been tired after work but i almost cried watching them at that moment.
Everyone remembers things like that and it made me so sad that there is so much hatred and poison everywhere, poison that makes simple things seem inane or un-interesting... I wished we could all feel for something the quiet care that the boy felt for his toy and that the man felt for the boy.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Kate Hutchinson

uh now its time to analyse the phtoo

i was actually wondering a few things, why do you have a ponytail dude?

i dont think ive seen you wear one in many months

ahhahaa its true. i wanted to make our characters quite contrasting

and i WISH my hair was that sick

i think thats the subconscious meaning behind it

please acknowledge your hand on your hip

because you're like 'i do this all the time'

why? becuase youre a sick cunt


Oh dude that was my next query.

ohhh ok

yeah, sick


its a legitimate reason

and im like 'oh this is fun!'

and your like, "pft yeah!'


yeah like, "no biggie"

thats definately the vibe


im laughing so much

how full is our bag


The night hasnt even begun,
It probs only around 10pm


oh yeah for sure

definitely past the drinking hour

but def not past the end of disco saturday night

jesus i just realised

my straw is only halfway in the baggie

what a fucking failure i am

kate hutchinson always does things half arsed

while yours is really in there, completing the task

AND you dont have your hand on your hip which is a fucking joke

thats true.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


At work today i thought itd be so funny to get a super expensive looking ring holder, like what are they called...i dunno but one that looks like itd have a watch in it or something nice. I wanted to wrap it up give it to nigel and tell him id had something special to give him for a while but now was the right time.
Then he'd unwrap it, open it and inside i wouldve put a bit of maybles dog poo.

I actually couldnt stop fucking laughing. I thought it was the most hilarious idea id ever had. So, this is me not forgetting. I told Nigel cos i thought it was too fucking hilarious not to share, so now i gotta wait til christmas to give it to him so he forgets.



"She hangs her head and, cries on my shirt
She must be hurt very badly
Tell me what's making you sadly?
Open your door, don't hide in the dark
You're lost in the dark, you can trust me.
'Cause you know that's how it must be

Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa

Her eyes like windows, tricklin' rain
Upon her pain getting deeper
Though my love wants to relieve her
She walks alone from wall to wall
Lost in a hall, she can't hear me!
Though I know she likes to be near me

Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa

She sits in a corner, by the door
There must be more I can tell her
If she really wants me to help her
I'll do what I can to show her the way
And maybe one day I will free her
Though I know no one can see her

Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa "

-Cat Stevens

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I only get days off a week and im sure as fuck not wasting them on getting drunk with you..

Theres always going to be another party, another pill to swallow and drink to skull. Its always going to seem like so much fun at 4 in the morning still high and feelin fine, with reality still a few hours away its ok, keep going, keep drinking, have another pill, drink another drink. We're young thats what its about right? We're just having a good fuckin' time.
And how fun are our days so wasted and awake, so muted by the disinterest of anything real, anything sober, anything that might make you seem a little bit like everyone else. Not just you, but him and her and me and I. So many days and nights wasted talking to you, to him to her, about you and them. How many truths did i miss out on while spinning all the lies, how much shit did i talk that led me to nowhere but back there, back there with you at almost dawn still wasted and futile. Just having a good fuckin time right? No more, not for me, no thankyou. Keep it, take it back. You can have it all. All those friendships that time will forget just as soon as you wake up to yourself or life kicks you in the ass and screams GET UP AND OUT OF ME. Keep it, i got my own shit goin on. Ive done it, ive had it, ive had you and people like you, ive been back there, ive walked around, Ive seen what there is back there, weve all done it before and it aint so new and exciting anymore. So keep it, you and the rest of them, keep it all cos i dont want it. Ill be watching movies, making pasta, playing with my dog, hanging out, playing playstation, kissing my boyfriend, riding my bike, huggin my mum, enjoying the sunshine, sitting on my balcony by myself and enjoying being alive. Doing something actual and making some memories i can actually remember.

Draw the line somewhere Mother Fucker, draw it before someone else does it for you.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Call me easy..

Sometimes i do some pretty horrible shit, today wasn't one of those times and that feels good.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


..The feeling in which you can't even pin-point an exact feeling. So heartbroken that you fear it will never go away, the days will be full of reminiscant nostalgia and the overpowering, overwhelming pull towards something or someone that doesnt exist anymore. Wishing, hoping, aching. Remembering.
And so much time is wasted, sold away to this feeling that you cant name, at times you can get lost in it, drowning in the ubiquitous memory, so afraid you may never be the same again.

Whether theyve died, or left you, whether others think this feeling is warranted or not, its there, it exists and it makes your breath a little more shallow and your priorities are lost and forgotten.

But one day, you look at someone else, you make a new friend or someone touches you in a way you couldnt feel before, its more than an action or an obligation, its something you want to do.. and slowly you start to forget those things from before and you realise new memories are being made and for the first time you don't feel bad about forgetting, you aren't scared about letting go. You see a photo, and they are happy, and instead of jealousy or hurt there is something else inside and it makes the ache fade a little.
Time goes on but the feeling doesnt go away completely, it wouldnt be human to dissappear, yet you realise its all part of the process, part of the journey to the end and it all gets a little easier. Loving, fucking, dying, losing, heartbreak, its all just human nature, the birds and the bee's. And the only cure to any of it is time.
...I think it took me so long to stop looking backwards because i was afraid of what was infront of me. But god fucking damn it feels good to look forward now.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Why do i drink?

Ive been asked this question by countless people, whether it have been my friends, boyfriends, mother, grandmother, psychologists. Anyone significant in my life has asked me, why do i drink?
I spose being young and dumb i never wanted to think too much about it in case i scared myself. Even though deep down i know the reasons. We all know why we do things if we look hard enough at ourselves. I spose at times it seems easier not to do so.
I dont even know who reads this blog, or if anyone does. I suppose i write it because of that reason. It gives me a sense of relief to put the information inside my head out into the world, it makes it seem not so bad when it is down on paper, as though perhaps i am a little closer to figuring out whatever it is i'm trying to. I have a problem with alchohol, not that i drink regularly, of late i am drinking maybe once every fortnight or even less, its not so much the amount of booze i drink but instead what it does to me.
I started drinking when i was 13, life hadnt been particularly good for me and i was a very confused fucked up little girl. And at 13 thats exactly what you are, a kid. I drank goon excessively at a friends birthday party and i remember feeling the warmth of it in my veins as though it were warming me from the inside out, i felt confident and funny, i felt like i didnt give a fuck. So i drank more, and more, i didnt sip it, i skulled glasses of goon until i ended up out the front telling people about all these things that had happeneed to me, crying, horrible, upset, unable to walk , feeling sorry for myself. A little 13 year old girl paraleticlly drunk talking depressing shit to an underage audience of normal teens.
I cried the entire time.
You would think after that first experience that i wouldnt want to drink anymore, exposing all those parts of myself to people i didnt know should have been a deterent from ever wanting to act that way again. But i wasn't deterred, i was drawn to it. I wanted to drink more, i wanted to be like that again.
I was a very insecure and fucked up little kid, i was unsure of myself, i'd been picked on and made to feel lesser than others, i had no confidence no matter how loud or secure i seemed, i was insecure. And i knew that when i drank i didnt give a fuck, i didnt care what anyone thought, i wasn't scared of anyone, i didnt want to impress anyone, i said what i thought when i was wasted and i liked that.
So i kept drinking.
I drank every weekend, i wagged school to drink. And each time i had booze i would end up talking about my childhood, opening up to anyone and everyone, exposing myself. I believe i did this because i had never been able to do so before. Alot of things in my life were kept secret and i was never allowed to be 100% truthful with my friends, so when i drank it was like the flood gates opened and i could be honest and vomit all the dark litttle things i kept inside me all over the world. I suppose in a way drinking seemed like some kind of freedom to me.
And in the haze of this period i grew up and out of my age, through the blur of those years i started taking drugs and having sex, and that was like a whole other level of rawness because it was only when i was drunk that i would act promiscuously. And i let men in that i would never touch or look at while sober, I turned my back on boys my own age because i was doing things that they werent, i was "older". And this is the misconception of not only me, but i think most girls at this age, we become fooled by our own bravado and we think we are invinsible. Thats why the loss of virginity is happening so early, why our first drink is at ages 10-13. I let boys and men do things to me because i thought I was the powerful one, it was as though i was emulating what i saw adult women doing in movies, on the street, in my mind. Trying to be a sexual being when inside i was just a scared little kid still playing handball and watching disney flicks. When i was out getting drunk and having sex other girls at my school were... fuck, you know what i couldnt tell you what they were doing because i was never there, but they sure as fuck weren't out on the street in the middle of the night seeing how many boys they could be with and competeing with girls 7 years their senior.
I would act as though i had it better than them, as though i were some kind of cool cat and they were losers still playing with dollies. But inside i wished so much to be accepted by them, i wished so much that the boys they were hanging out with liked me like that, but it just didnt happen for me that way, i chose the opposite route.

Over the years some fucked up shit has happened due to my drinking, ive been in fights, ive been bashed, ive been to court, ive spent a night in jail, been to hospital twice, almost died, overdoseed, tried to commit suicide, woken up covered in bruises the size of my head, ive lost friends and boyfriends, made enemies, let down my family, pulled people down, hurt myself and others, been wholly and inexplicably ashamed of myself and I know that most of the bad things about me and in my life exist due to my drinking. Yet i still do it.

Sounds pretty fucking retarded and doesn't seem to make any sense; even i dont understand it, so all i can do is piece together the parts that do make a bit of sense to me and see how it fits together.

I am over analytical. If i am not completely comfortable with a person i overanalyse their behaviour and my own. This hinders me in the sense that i find it difficult to bond with people. It is rare for me to meet a person who i wish to pursue a friendship with. This isnt because i believe myself to be better than anyone else, its more that i have such little faith in my own skills that i at times feel i have nothing to offer. This is a viscious cycle because when i am out and drunk my personality is that of an over confident, dissmissive, arrogant, self assured person. This i am not. So in my own mind i suppose i find the idea of exposing my sober self to be incredibly daunting. Very few people know who i actually am and I suppose in a way i like that.
Although i do like people and i can be social, i am very much a loner, i suppose this stems from growing up as an only child, the overanalysis of human behaviour makes it difficult for me to open up and relax with others.
Much like when i was 13 taking my first sip of achohol and realising that it became such a successful social lubricant, still at 23 i feel i need it in order to relax enough to open up to people. This creates a cycle or fake friendships and peoples pre and mis concieved ideas of who i am which furthers my own doubts and insecurities.
I have alot of overwhelming thoughts alot of the time, i think about things far too much and too deeply, and when i drink its as though that barrier I hold up between myself and alot of the world drops and i can relax. However fake and silly this may be, it makes me able to talk to people without noticing every flick of the hand or scratch of the face.
But when i drink too much the barrier becomes something else, it reaches a new stage, I am no longer jovial, that part of the transission as such is over, and i get down to this dark place, the place where i hide everything, the place that gets ignored alot of the time. THIS is when i do bad things, when i say bad things, when i get in fights and arguments. When i hurt people i love.
People say that your true self comes out when youre drunk, i dont believe this to be entirely true, however it is accurate to some extent. That angry, sad, dark part of myself that comes out when im so wasted i am no longer in control is not me, but it is a part of me.
I want to try and make as much sense with this writing as i can because im not even thinking right now, its just coming out and im hoping that when i read it i can have an understanding.
The dark part is what is ignored, it is everything that i dont want to recognise, it is everything i dissmiss, it is the small hurtful thought that i push down and tell to fuck off. I do not drink to reach that part, but each time i drink it reaches me.
And i know i could change all this by simply not drinking, to someone who has never had an addiction it would seem so fucking simple. But drinking whether it be excessive, binge, daily, is just the same as any other addiciton and for me it isnt physical, by no means do i have a physical addiction to it, it is purely mental.
I have used drinking as my security blanket for the past ten years, it has been there when i was sad, angry, when i was heart broken, lonely, happy, excited. It has been there longer and more reliably than any friend ir boyfriend ive ever had. Almost every significant event or moment in my life has either been chamiserated or celebrated with booze.
It has been a social lubricant since i first started socialising, it has been the aphrodisiac that made me comfortable enough to have sex since i started having sex. In so many ways it has defined me, who i am and what i do since i was born. I say since i was born because my father was alcholic, so were both my grandfathers. No matter how much i have said i wanted it to change, im not sure i really did because alcohol is my excuse.
The other day i woke up hungover and nigel was yelling at me about something i'd done that i couldnt remember, my 2 great friends were angry with me yet i had no idea what i had done, i went into the bathroom and held a knife in my hand and just kept thinking, i wish i were dead, i wish i were dead, i wish i were dead. and the thing is, in that moment, i really did wish i was dead. I thought oh god how easy everything would be if i could just die. There would be no worries, or hurt or shame.
Later in the night i thought about it and realised it is not life that does these things to me, it is not life that hurts me and my freinds, it is not LIFE that turns me into a fucking monster, it is alcohol.

...And yet still I could not tell you one hundred percent that i will never drink again...
and thats the scariest fucking thing of all.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I think everybody is so lonely, but they never admit it. Surrounded by a thousand people doesn't mean you won't hear yourself anymore, it just means that when you do the sound will be deafeningly loud and too hard to understand.
Sometimes i feel crazy, time's like right now.

Monday, October 5, 2009

One thing i have learnt so far in my life is that love is not enough. We are force fed disney bullshit from such a young age, and hollywood romantic bullshit in adult hood that we have too much faith in the fantasy of it.
INfact i am begining to believe the more you start to love someone the more difficult it becomes to sustain a functional relationship. Perhaps this is only the case with people like myself who are emotionally retarded and ruled by instinct and impulse.
I believe at times you can love someone so much that it is TOO much. A desire becomes a need and that is unhelthy, a want becomes a yearning and your mind becomes incapable of keeping up with itself. And when one lets the other down it is as though your world can come crashing down, as though your heart is broken when in the real world where you are sane and capable it would be resolved in probably just a stupid argument.
It is as though you love this person so much your emotions go crazy, your wires get all crossed and fucked up until you dont know what each emotion even is anymore. Slight irritation becomes nasty contempt, small insecurities become full blown jealousies and you both become like 2 negative magnets, no matter how hard you push and push you will always repel one another, you can never connect the way you need to.
I believe this is the type of love people are refering to when they say, love hurts. And it does, when it is like that it can be fucking painful.

People need to be equal, nobody should have to be the punching bag for someone elses unresolved issues and no matter how much you love someone if it doesnt work, and if you hurt eachother more than you make eachother feel good, then it is crazy to sacrifice eachothers sanity, Crazy love.
This is the relationship where you break up and get back together probably several times because you know what you had was real, you know what you felt for eachother was honest as fuck and thats why its so hard to let go. You keep coming back with the hope that you have both changed enough to make it work, but then you end again in a field of tears and hurt.
I have only been in one relationship like that, one in which i experienced emotions i never had before where i loved this person so much i thought noone would ever measure up, and the most horrible part of it all was when I realised that although I loved this person with my entire heart and fucking soul we simply could not be together.

I think when that relationship ended i let a part of myself die along with it, the part that became too vunerable and powerless to my own emotions and the person i am with now will probably pay a small price for that in the sense that i am incapable of completely letting go. I will always remain in complete control of what i am feeling because i am so afraid of loving somebody like that again. And i dont think that is necassarily a bad thing. I only do what i need to in order not to hurt people, not to hurt myself and to make sure i never push him away from me.
I am capable of love, infact I am in love. But its not like that, its not crazy love and thats ok, thats what i want, with it comes stability, calmness, babies, marriage, future and all the things a person like me needs to be safe and sane.

But you never forget it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Sometimes life is too good that it feels like a theres sex happening inside me. Like people are really doing it to eachother good and proper inside my guts, and its all i can do to not run on the spot, jump in the air and say thankyou!
Thankyou for love, thankyou for friendship, thankyou for Kates drunk phone calls and ariels late night chats. Thankyou for Tiahs Baby bump, thankyou for patience, thankyou for conversations with wise, intelligent people. Thankyou for intelligence in general! Thankyou for sunshine, thankyou for the breeze and the tree's and the warm night time air. Thankyou for nigel, our home and my Mayble.

Life is a choice, a series of important choices. We can be light, or dark, we can let the big bad world eat us up and spit us out, we can be closed to what is around or we can embrace all the beautiful things that still exist and grow everyday. We can let the good define us, instead of the bad.
We can try to make a final choice but that won't prevail because the path is always changing. But thats what makes everything real and worth embracing.

Today is a good day, a great day. There will still be bad ones, but I know there will be days like this again and again and again and again which makes life so undoubtedly worth living.

Life is too radical to be wasted around those who can't see it.
You lost another friend.
When does it end? When do you see that its not everybody else,

its you.

Friday, September 18, 2009


I talk about this alot with my boyfriend and male friends who all say they couldnt tell me whether or not they had made a girl come before in a one night stand. And when you dont know, most likely it didnt happen.
So whats the issue? that the men arent good in bed? that the women arent comfortable enough to get off? or that both parties are so out of touch with eachother and with themselves that it was never going to happen in the first place?
The last one.
sure there are situations in which one party is just useless in bed, but on the whole i think that our perceptions and ideals about sex are worked into us from such a young age that sexual comforatabilty and the ability to know what you want and how to get it has become a rarity.
We are never told about orgasms at school. We are taught that a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina and when they love eachother very much they have sex and this makes a baby.
What we arent taught about are all the years before and in between that, when babies are the last thing on our minds and all we want to do is fuck.
We arent taught about masturbation or sex as a pleasurable experience. sure, maybe we are told that sex will feel good, but we arent told that we will crave it, that for alot of people it will become one of the most important aspects of their lives for a long time.
We arent told about the complexities of sex for women, and its a fucking complex thing. sex for women is about the emotional and mental side of the situation as much as it is about the physicality. You will be hard pressed to find a woman who can sleep with a man she has no particular attraction to, no history, no feelings and no connection with and get off.
Young girls arent taught about masturbation, unless its by their parents, which still to this day i think would be rare. And i believe this is why so many girls are losing their virginity so young and sleeping around to such an extent yet never really doing it for themselves..
at our age the point of sex is to get off. Simple as that. Both parties want and should be able to come. So why arent they?
why are boys still going out with the desire to pick someone up to fuck when they themselves have no idea how to have sex?
It can only ever be amazing, (and it SHOULD be amazing), when you know what youre doing and you know what you want which i dont think alot of 30 year olds even know nowadays.
What needs to be changed is our initial welcome into sex, which is at school. Girls escpecially need to be taught that they are capable of feeling as good, if not better than the man they are sleeping with and that when they do start having sex it should be because THEY want to feel good, not because they are trying to make another person feel good. And THAT is one of the hugest issues of today, the fact that girls are losing their virginity and sleeping around yet never getting off.
This is one of the hugest problems, female masturbation is still fairly tabboo. Young boys get boners all the time and always have their hands down their pants so its somehow more acceptable to talk about young boys wanking, whereas because of the difference in methods and that it has seemed a far more secret act for girls for so many years we dont really tell them it is ok. If we saw our little girl with their hand down their pants it would be our first reaction to tell them never to do that, but what we should be doing is making her feel comfotable to do whatever she wants but making sure its always safe and away from people.
Kids are so in touch with their bodies, we are born without insecurities and without self image, these things are burnt into us later by the media, our peers, society and other peoples issues. When we are little we dont give a shit about any of that and these are the years in which we are learning about ourselves. So why discourage it?
The fact that some of my closest friends say they have never had an orgasm, and these are girls in their 20's who have slept with their fair share of men, this upsets me, because to be sexually aware and sexually satisfied is a great thing, and to be denied of it seems fucking ridiculous.
The search for all that shit needs to start at childhood before we are cemented in our beliefs and insecurities about sex. We need to teach our kids the facts about sex, the ones that are relevant to the time of life that sex seems most important, which is their adolescents, and we need to teach girls to feel good about themsleves and their bodies! To be comfortable in telling people how they feel and what they want, not laying silently accepting only what they are presented with, or pretending to like something that they dont really, whats the point in that? the boy will never learn, the girl will never learn and you will never get a good experience. Sex is mutual and should be treated as such.
Thats all an inability to orgasm is; a struggle to feel comfortable, lack of insight into yourself or the belief that sex is all about the boy, which it isnt. At all. And when all things can be changed and improved by openness and truth-why is it so difficult to do so?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


..I dont know when you grow out of it or if you ever fully do. Its an emotion that lots of people dont recognise, or try to hide underneath compliments and a forced smile. I've always been able to see envy, but i've never really been very envious of anybody. There have been times, ecspecially in my childhood when i wished I had more money and wondered why life had been so good to some of the other kids around me. But i suppose now i realise that didnt have to do much with envy at all, more everybody elses projection of normality. I believed i was so differnet because everybody told me i was, lots of people at my school were pretty well off and i guess i felt like i had to be differnt in order to ever truly be accepted, truth be known alot of my childhood with my mum on a single parent pension and living in housing commision was spent playing with the other grubby kids that were like me, having fun, climbing tree's, telling fake stories and being fairly ignorant to any other desire than the desire for fun. However i suppose when you get a bit older, and everyone around you starts to notice that life is fairly tangible and things of monetary value are actually considered important; perceptions can change, ecspecially of ones self.
Thats where insecurity stems from, which of course in turn breeds envy. "I can see what i feel i lack in someone else, and i want it"
The same applies to superficial perceptions of course. The way we look and feel about ourselves physically. Thats all envy is about, feeling we lack something within ourselves.
I've never really felt envy about superficial things, the way some people get when they want to look a way they dont, or cant. Women are one of the most well formed beautiful things that were created, so to hate or feel contempt for someone you find desireable or attractive baffles me. To see another woman succeeding, feeling beautiful, looking beautiful; that is an accomplishment, something to be admired and respected instead of frowned upon due to our own feelings of self worth. Its never been looks that i envied, never. I can look at a beautiful girl and admire what she has, what her parents gave her. What i find more enviable are talents and insightfulness. Or confidence and self assurance. This is because these are things i feel i lack and things i desire. I do not have a problem with the way i look, my philosophy is we are what we are, why cry over something that cant be changed, I am more than happy with my physicality because i am strong, healthy, and well adjusted to who i am on the outside. Its the inside i have always had issues with, hence why when i see a woman who has conquered her demons, is intelligent, strong, witty and open I suppose in a way i do feel envy, because these are things i have yet to accomplish fully for myself.
Envy is an extension of our own insecurities and i suppose thats why people with little insight into themselves always seem to be the most envious. For example; Lads.
Generally, and i do mean GENERALLY they arent the most intelligent of sub cultures, hence the bashing of people for their belongings and the insults to attractive girls. Why would a young girl insult another on the street? Someone theyd never met before?? because something is happening in their subconcious that they dont understand. They are recognising something in this girl that they cant see in themselves.
I remember years ago, when i was about 15 i went out for Mardi Gras and was drinking in Hyde Park, i got into some kind of fight with this group of Nautica clad girls and one of them screamed "look at you in your short skirt". Ok, i was a 15 year old girl, are we supposed to wear full body jumpsuits or matching Wu-Tang tracksuits? So i said "im a girl..."
The thing is it wasnt that she was jealous of me or the fact that I was wearing a short skirt that annoyed her, it was the fact that she wasnt comfortable enough in herself to wear one and she most likely, subconciously or not, wished she could. But having such little insight into herself and her emotions those feelings re-directed themselves into hatred for me.
At the time i just thought she was a crazy, muscly, woman hater. Of course i now know that not to be the case.

Envy is pointless, redundant. With the energy it takes to fuel it you may aswell run on the spot for 10 minutes because it achieves nothing.
I wish people, girls ecspecially could learn these lessons earlier, before their body image is morphed and poisoned. Before they start to hate someone else because their 5 kilos lighter, or have longer hair. As corny and over used as it is, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder we need to worry about is ourselves.
The tall girl feels awkward because of her height, the short girl feels awkward because of her weight. The grass is always greener, and we always desire the things we cant have. So why do it?
When i grew up a bit and realised because of my poor childhood i now appreciate everything i have, i can relate to people of any walk of life, i am wiser and more empathetic because of it; I became thankful for missing out on things when i was little because it made me more of the person i respect.
When i look in the mirror i see a strong, healthy girl, but more importantly i see myself. What I look like. The universe doesnt care whether you like your outside or not, and you cant change it so we may aswell love what we were given, and feel happy for everybody else who does too.

Being envious is fucking lame.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

3 stages of love..

Lust, Physical attraction and Emotional Attachment

"Romantic feelings or lust is the first stage of love. Romantic love is driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage of love; it creates strong physical attraction and sets the stage for emotional attachment. In this stage of love, endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you. In this stage of love you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout). You feel infatuated in this stage of love.

Physical attraction and power struggles make up the second stage of love (the "lovesick" phase). You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. In this stage of love, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is where the power struggles come in. In this stage of relationship, you're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about things like whether or not to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infatuation fade.

Emotional attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment involves commitment, partnership, and even children (a fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). In this stage of love, you're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage of love (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage of love). You and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits. - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen "

I believe that when you reach the point of emotional attachment and unconditional acceptance it takes you back to the begining, when your hormones were out of control, when you felt like your heart is almost beating for this person and nobody else exists, because its a whole new thing, its the natural human desire for companionship at its highest, when you realise this person can see you, really see you, no bullshit lies or masks of make up or fancy trickery. Just you. And everything is ok with them, even the bad. It can bring back to the initial desire and intensity you felt for the person in the begining because its a whole differnt thrill. the feeling of comfortability to be who you are with no restrictions and feeling safe in exposing those parts of yourself that nobody else really see's.
I used to think love was about intensity and this all encompassing feeling that almost ate you up, but that isnt love, that is lust, that is romantic attraction, it is the desire FOR emotional attachement and unconditional acceptance yet to no prevail. Meaning; when love is crazy like that it has reached a point of no extension. Either one party is willing to stay in the point of lust and never move forward, or there was nowhere to move to in the first place.

We can get lost inside love if it doesnt give us what we want, if it cant accept us and our flaws, because ultimately in this society today with all the fancy bullshit and distractions all we truly want is for someone to accept us, want us, love us and only us, Unconditionally.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I like this view...

you give me

Laughter, safety, warmth and love, never doubting, never wavering. Always and forever comfortable. Real happiness.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

I want you to be happy, thats what i want. I want for you to wake up in the morning and be so excited by the sunshine, so excited to make a plan for yourself. How can you not see what you are doing, what you are becoming? Who you are becoming. Who are you becoming? because you are not the person i knew before.
I want you to find love, real love from a man, someone who treats you like a woman, not a possession, someone who doesn't only want to fuck you on sight but wants to hang out with you, go to the park with you, be around you and make you laugh, someone you are yourself with, who you can be a child with, who you can be scared infront of. Someone real and functioning in this world who loves life and loves you.
I want you to have sex, real loving sex with somebody you know and trust and who makes you feel good about yourself, not as though you need to be this wild person. No expectation sex. Just comfortable and real.
i don't want you to be hardened by life, i dont want you to surround yourself with the things that make you dissapointed in humanity. I want you to keep some child-like innocence.
Most of all i want for you to want these things, i want for you to love life, to participate in it and let the world know youre not giving up yet. Its not that bad out there, there are good things aswell as bad, If only you would open your eyes and see how much you are missing out on, how much the world can give to you if you just try to be light again.
It isnt easy, but if i can do it you can too.
I want to help you, but you dont want it. So all i can do is want these things for you and pray to whoever it is that listens, pray that you will see it someday soon.

i love you and i'm sorry.

turn it on, for me.

Life is a series of choices, and when youve chosen to be in the dark for so long light seems like poison.
But light is what we need to fuel us, to make us more than just exist, to make us alive.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


sometimes i think one of the best things in life is lying next to someone and feeling the warmth from them. Not touching but knowing they are there and their heart is beating and their blood is flowing, and you can feel it.
It can heat your whole body if you let it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

You give yourself away

One thing I have learnt, if nothing else so far is that love should not be all encompassing. One life should never be substituted for another and we don’t have to feel something so much that it hurts us for it to be real. It doesn’t need to make you cry, or ache, it doesn’t need to make you scared or needy. It shouldn’t be a love song or a romantic movie, it should be reality. Because all that other shit is just fantasy, a fairytale written by Disney in which we all get saved by a magic prince charming who takes us away from our pain and our past heartbreaks. Someone to make you forget all the bad things. But that doesn’t happen here, life happens.
Its a beautiful fantasy to get caught up in, a beautiful idea that one cant live without the other, but the truth is we can and we have to. The only way to be realistic is to have your heartbroken and to make the mistakes that you have to promise yourself to never make again, and maybe thats only possible by shutting down for a while, or becoming a realist. All i know is being a little bit closed off is far easier than giving yourself away.
I’m not anti love, i’m more of a believer than most, but what i don’t believe in is giving so much of yourself away that you have nothing left.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Good V Nice V Me V Bad

To me nice implies a behaviour. To me, a "nice" person acts pleasently towards others, to anyone, everyone. They are agreeable and accomodating. Whereas a "good person" can perhaps do bad things but their core being is good. Anybody can be nice, anyone can act pleasently- John wayne Gacy seemed to be a pretty ncie guy, even the fucking mayor dug him but underneath that nice exterior was one of the gnarliest monsters of our time, he was sadistic and evil. Most serial killers seem to be the nicest people around.

To me nice aint worth shit, nice is a behaviour, a mere replica of how people think people should behave. Nice is boring, nice is the colour lavender, it eventually bores the shit out of you or turns out to be a psychopathic let down.

Is it good enough to be lying on our death beds and someone says "gee its a shame to lose such a nice girl"

But to be a good person isn't a quality or a behaviour one can learn, it isnt a trait as nice can be, it is a persons beliefs, their character and soul. It is what they are underneath the layers of nicety's, pleases and thankyou's. To be a good person is a fucking hard thing at times, its something you have to work at your whole life, to not let beliefs be swayed by popular opinion and what seems good at the time, to hold no sexisms or racisms or biggotry. To truly care about other people, and i dont mean by giving up your bus seat or fucking holding the door open for a girl, but by recognising and trying to understand the bigger picture, humanity.

To try and understand why people do what they do, instead of jumping to immediate conclusions and hatreds, to be understanding and being able to feel empathy, not sympathy, but empathy.

The argument between nice and good is a no brainer, but the battle to be good is one i think humanity will always struggle with.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

People come and go...


The complexity of emotion astounds and intrigues me so much. Feelings can only be described by words so no true, 100% accurate description and explanation can ever be given because they are all just based on perception and the personal feeling that’s associated with an event or memory.There’s a million things going on in our brains to create a reaction to something but why does it happen and why for so long or so little? How is the time frame of an emotion decided? Why can one person move on from an event so easily while another can't even hear or think about it without crying? Maybe it’s due to life experiences, childhood memories or things that happened to us when we were young, a break up may be far worse for one person because they felt they’d never been loved before, or were insecure and felt isolated as a kid so to lose someone who they loved like family would seem a far worse event than to someone else who grew up safe and secure, knowing that their parents loved them, knowing they had a steady place to fall. Do all reactions and emotions stem from our early childhood years? Or do they differ due to the experiences we go through in our older years? It could have nothing to do with either and just be that some are just more feeling, while others are more lateral and logical. Logic versus raw emotion.There was a test done on baby monkeys, both were taken from their mothers at an early age, one was put into an enclosure that represented the wild with no other living thing, just a steel frame that dispensed food, the other was put in another replica of the wild with the same kind of steel frame but this time it had a furry cushion attached to it. The monkey who was brought up without the cushion grew up to be temperamental, afraid, and seemingly cold. He reacted more wildly to things and wouldn’t leave the side of the steel frame; he would eat the food it dispensed for him and occasionally sit on the ground at the bottom of it, but would always climb back up and never venture more than a few feet away. The monkey with the cushion was very attached to it, but he grew up to be far more relaxed, he would adventure around, foraging and occasionally playing. Still nowhere near as secure as a one who would have had a real mother but far more emotionally developed than the monkey without anywhere soft to lie, or place to curl up in and sleep that felt comforting. So I guess that proves our upbringing's no matter how subtly different are probably at the heart of all our reactions, fears and emotions. Jealousy doesn’t seem like a natural emotion, I think that has to do with ownership. Mine, Mine, Mine, you can’t have. Which dates back to the days of cave men, fighting for food and a safe place to sleep, and also relates to children, whether or not they were made to share when young, if they had siblings. Would someone who was an only child and never had to share with someone else grow up to be a more jealous adult? I believe they probably would. for someone who had a large family and was used to seeing things they saw as their own being used by others perhaps as an adult it would be easier for them to see an ex partner with someone else?Who fucking knows, I’m no scientist or whatever it is that investigates this shit but it intrigues me so much, I believe to overcome things you have to fully understand them and what better way to be an intelligent well adjusted person than to fully understand the dynamics of emotion, However I don’t think that could even be possible..Love and hate are the 2 that give me the most to think about because I am a person who feels things without reason and at a large extent, I’m not logical. I'm emotional. I think I am only beginning to get a grasp on how to handle my emotions because when I first started feeling things they were so new and intense, BECAUSE I felt them without reason or the desire to understand them.Everything is seemingly more complex due to today’s changing and intense circumstances, our minds are overwhelmed with things they aren’t trained to handle, in the primate days we were FOOD FOOD FOOD, PROCRIATE, EAT, SLEEP in a constant rotation. Now its FOOD, WORK, SEX, BEING SINGLE, BEIGN IN A RELATIONSHIP, KIDS, MONEY, SCHOOL, SUPERANNUATION, TAX, TRAFFIC, FIGHTS, BOOZE, DRUGS BLA bla bla, it’s too much, so we have to readjust our understanding of our minds and emotional intelligence.Love and Hate are twins, yet polar opposites, both the extremes but without one you can’t have the other and at times with one COMES the other, after love at times comes hate because it’s been to extreme to just go back to neutral. But why?? Instincts? Ownership? Fear? Instinctual Ownership.Sexual ownership and jealousy are fuelled by past sexual desires and the need to feel special. Does he do that with her? Do they fuck like we did? To find a mate is a goal of humanity, whether we like to admit it for most it is the ultimate goal of life, to not be lonely, to grow old with someone. To Breed. That is our nature. And fucking is a part of that cycle. Sexual ownership doesn’t really apply to people we just sleep with on a whim, it only seems to exist among those who have shared emotional sex, sex with someone they love or were with for a while. Someone they felt an emotional connection with. So to know that someone who, subconsciously or not, could have been a "life partner' or breeding mate is doing the things they did with you to someone else, this breeds jealousy which leads to contempt. Contempt being an emotion I personally believe to be fairly new to humanity.Anyway I could go on and on, it’s all too fucking fascinating and endless.I suppose my goal is to be a master of my own mind, to understand what I’m doing and why. To feel things but not be ruled by them.Emotion- love, jealousy, fear, hatred, sexuality, worry, happiness are never going to disappear nor should we ever want them to, but the only way to not be an overwrought crazy person fuelled by them is by knowing the reasons why and asking yourself questions. I am my own god and only I can provide insight into myself, no matter how many shrinks, counsellors, teachers,adults, psychologists or"best friends" you speak to, nobody can know the answers you want, or even the questions you're really asking except yourself

Saturday, September 5, 2009


I think its time for a change, Myspace is cramping my style. I've written too many things about shit i'd rather forget so heres a new start as such i suppose. So i can write shit for strangers to read and convince myself it somehow helps my psyche.
I'll start from yesterday.