Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Today
Sometimes we think the grass is going to be greener, as though what we see in someone else (perhaps what we lack in ourselves) is what we need.
We fight and i look fondly at another handsome man and think, god life would be easy with him. I get wasted or dissappear for a night, you get mad, we fight and i think fuck wouldnt life be easier if i were with someone who did the same things i did, took the same drugs, thought the same thoughts, it would be so much simpler with that other person who struck my interest once upon a time. We wouldnt fight or squabble or question our relationship, it would be easier than this.
But then i remember; i know you, truly and completely and you know me just the same. There is nothing we can find out to hurt us, no deep dark secrets or moments of regret. This is it. And there is nothing scary about that, infact its the most reasurring feeling in the world.
The knowledge that someone knows you with all your deep dark crevaces, your moments of immaturiy and regret, the times in which you act like an unstable teenager or hormonal woman. The insecurities, the anger, the saddness, the good, the bad, the in between. And they love you anyway, in spite and because of all those things.
Its human nature to question, to look at our peers and see beauty or find yourself curious about the inner workings or sexual prowess of someone who isnt yours, but when youve spilt your guts all over someone and they didnt even flinch one bit then you know that shit is real and its worth it...
Everything else is just passing time.
We fight and i look fondly at another handsome man and think, god life would be easy with him. I get wasted or dissappear for a night, you get mad, we fight and i think fuck wouldnt life be easier if i were with someone who did the same things i did, took the same drugs, thought the same thoughts, it would be so much simpler with that other person who struck my interest once upon a time. We wouldnt fight or squabble or question our relationship, it would be easier than this.
But then i remember; i know you, truly and completely and you know me just the same. There is nothing we can find out to hurt us, no deep dark secrets or moments of regret. This is it. And there is nothing scary about that, infact its the most reasurring feeling in the world.
The knowledge that someone knows you with all your deep dark crevaces, your moments of immaturiy and regret, the times in which you act like an unstable teenager or hormonal woman. The insecurities, the anger, the saddness, the good, the bad, the in between. And they love you anyway, in spite and because of all those things.
Its human nature to question, to look at our peers and see beauty or find yourself curious about the inner workings or sexual prowess of someone who isnt yours, but when youve spilt your guts all over someone and they didnt even flinch one bit then you know that shit is real and its worth it...
Everything else is just passing time.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wednesday
You tell me its ok and i know you truly think it is, perhaps because what you went through was worse? So i keep searching for beyond what i can see, beyond what the gods have presented, as though maybe somewhere my potential hides away waiting to be found. I feel the fist against my cheek, it doesnt make me sad, nor angry. It feels like a long awaited plan has been realised, the journey just reached the destination. And grandma tells me 'go home for god sakes!' Again, because she was around in the depression and i am merely a product of a selfish generation, I dont know about pain. I am only 18. I watched the needle hit the vein and the blood pour out like a river. I watched you watch me, and i thought why did you do that to yourself? You lost our lives in the sorrow of your past, you let it eat us up and spit us out, now i look for answers in the same places you did. I felt the hard knuckles in my cheek bone, a fierce whack. The bone burnt the next day. Did you really want to hurt me? It felt as though you did.
I ran away on the train early that morning and the trees seemed to offer answers, the further i was from myself the better. Now im here, in this place, still remembering myself back then. a baby.
You tell me i am lucky, perhaps i am. But what i see is my truth, not yours. Sometimes it feels like the weight could break me in half.
I remember crying at the bottom of the stairs and saying to the police lady "why did he do this?" She smirked. I remember that like yesterday, like a thousand needles breaking the skin and an endless fist upon my face.
Do i forgive you? Sometimes.
But i punish you by punishing myself.
I ran away on the train early that morning and the trees seemed to offer answers, the further i was from myself the better. Now im here, in this place, still remembering myself back then. a baby.
You tell me i am lucky, perhaps i am. But what i see is my truth, not yours. Sometimes it feels like the weight could break me in half.
I remember crying at the bottom of the stairs and saying to the police lady "why did he do this?" She smirked. I remember that like yesterday, like a thousand needles breaking the skin and an endless fist upon my face.
Do i forgive you? Sometimes.
But i punish you by punishing myself.
Monday, August 16, 2010
You threw it away? so easily without a thought. The honest words of regret seem to mean nothing to what you made me. I am nothing if not loved or loving and i try my best to be what others want of me, what you want. I spent years apologising, making amends. To him. Beautiful him. And now you. My beautiful you. Its all too familiar and underwhelming. Yet i dont feel enough to even cry. We opened up the doors to what was still inside. You let it out and now i cant get it back in.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
2007
"I think its funny to be cynical. At times hating on the world seems like the only entertaining thing it has to offer. And sure we've all been shat on, picked on, hated on, we all have reasons to hate life, to feel as though it owes us something... but why bother? If you let all that shit build up inside you, fester into this dark, unappreciating attitude then who wins that round? Definately not you. I listen to people say how they hate so and so or hate work and never want to get a job, never move out of home, spend their time complaining about having no money, yet hating on people that do. I have this solution, and it may sound crazy....but get off your lazy self appreciating ass and do something about it.
The world will never stop for us. It keeps turning and changing and continuing on without us if we are standing still. So why not at least try? We have what, 70/80 odd years here? We'll be too tired and worn out in our 70's to do what we should be doing now. Yet thats always how it goes, hate life up until your death bed and then beg death not to take you because theres so much you havent done. We can only ever get from life what we put into it, We can only take from life what we give it and if we are only giving it apathy and cynicism then we'll be fed shit for the rest of our lives.
And im not saying i want to live in some happy world where everyone gets along and we all work 9-5, and make friends with every person we meet/but if only for ourselves- lighten the fuck up. Noone ever enjoyed anything by moping around and bitching all day long.
For example, (lacking a good one) when steve irwin died. Australians were devasted- and for good reason, the man was an icon. How could you not be sad? Sure he was fucking irritating at times, but it was always comical and he did alot of good work without claiming too many props for it. The majority of people were devasted. Then you had the people who spat negativity onto the whole situation "wahhh who fucking cares he was a wanker, he was annoying, he had so much money, he was a show pony"
The man dedicated his life to environmental conservation and wildlife. He died a pretty fucking horrible death and people claimed to be unaffected. Why? Because it would have been normal to feel something about the situation? because the majority of people felt the loss? and god forbid you be similar to the rest of the world, god forbid You have something in common with the man in the suit walking to work or the mum taking her kids to school. Fucking hell. Get a grip.
Being apathetic and negative does not make you an individual. It makes you depressing and shitty to be around. The effort it takes to be that type of person is far greater than just being happy. People say it is realistic to bethat way, "i'm not cynical, im a realist". Please spare me. I have lived both lives, i have seen life from the eyes of a depressed, angry, apathetic teenager, i spent 20 years of my life living like that, until i realised it takes alot more effort being that person than just relax into what youve got. There is an endless founatin of oppurtunity in this life, We are lucky enough to live in australia where we can do whatever the fuck we want. There is alot of darkness and evil in the world. Kids killing kids, man bombing their fellow man, civil wars are breaking out, where you cant walk down the street without fear of being shot or killed by a fucking machetti. Women cant show their skin, have more than one child or even work to support themselves, Even in the northern territory children are raped daily by their fathers, brothers, uncles. Yet here we sit in the heart of sydney, surrounded by anything you could ever need or want, able to walk around the streets blind drunk in the middle of the day, able to read what we want when we want, buy what we want, live how we want, work for a year an dthen get up and leave to travel the world and yet WE are the ones who are apathetic and dissapointed by life??? To me that is selfish, self involved, disrespectful and above all unnecassary.
I now see how lucky I am to live where i do and have the oppurtunity to work and make money, to live in independence and freedom. I am lucky to know people who are so affected by the deaths of people in the public eye just because they know their face. I am lucky-ecspeccially as a women- to have the chance to work full time, live independently and make money for myself.
All i can say is, pull your head out your ass, look around you, stop being so fucking apathetic and dissapointed otherwise youll be 70 years old wishing you had another chance.
End."
The world will never stop for us. It keeps turning and changing and continuing on without us if we are standing still. So why not at least try? We have what, 70/80 odd years here? We'll be too tired and worn out in our 70's to do what we should be doing now. Yet thats always how it goes, hate life up until your death bed and then beg death not to take you because theres so much you havent done. We can only ever get from life what we put into it, We can only take from life what we give it and if we are only giving it apathy and cynicism then we'll be fed shit for the rest of our lives.
And im not saying i want to live in some happy world where everyone gets along and we all work 9-5, and make friends with every person we meet/but if only for ourselves- lighten the fuck up. Noone ever enjoyed anything by moping around and bitching all day long.
For example, (lacking a good one) when steve irwin died. Australians were devasted- and for good reason, the man was an icon. How could you not be sad? Sure he was fucking irritating at times, but it was always comical and he did alot of good work without claiming too many props for it. The majority of people were devasted. Then you had the people who spat negativity onto the whole situation "wahhh who fucking cares he was a wanker, he was annoying, he had so much money, he was a show pony"
The man dedicated his life to environmental conservation and wildlife. He died a pretty fucking horrible death and people claimed to be unaffected. Why? Because it would have been normal to feel something about the situation? because the majority of people felt the loss? and god forbid you be similar to the rest of the world, god forbid You have something in common with the man in the suit walking to work or the mum taking her kids to school. Fucking hell. Get a grip.
Being apathetic and negative does not make you an individual. It makes you depressing and shitty to be around. The effort it takes to be that type of person is far greater than just being happy. People say it is realistic to bethat way, "i'm not cynical, im a realist". Please spare me. I have lived both lives, i have seen life from the eyes of a depressed, angry, apathetic teenager, i spent 20 years of my life living like that, until i realised it takes alot more effort being that person than just relax into what youve got. There is an endless founatin of oppurtunity in this life, We are lucky enough to live in australia where we can do whatever the fuck we want. There is alot of darkness and evil in the world. Kids killing kids, man bombing their fellow man, civil wars are breaking out, where you cant walk down the street without fear of being shot or killed by a fucking machetti. Women cant show their skin, have more than one child or even work to support themselves, Even in the northern territory children are raped daily by their fathers, brothers, uncles. Yet here we sit in the heart of sydney, surrounded by anything you could ever need or want, able to walk around the streets blind drunk in the middle of the day, able to read what we want when we want, buy what we want, live how we want, work for a year an dthen get up and leave to travel the world and yet WE are the ones who are apathetic and dissapointed by life??? To me that is selfish, self involved, disrespectful and above all unnecassary.
I now see how lucky I am to live where i do and have the oppurtunity to work and make money, to live in independence and freedom. I am lucky to know people who are so affected by the deaths of people in the public eye just because they know their face. I am lucky-ecspeccially as a women- to have the chance to work full time, live independently and make money for myself.
All i can say is, pull your head out your ass, look around you, stop being so fucking apathetic and dissapointed otherwise youll be 70 years old wishing you had another chance.
End."
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