Saturday, December 3, 2011

Sometimes, with only the small amount I know of the world, I wonder how we can even live with ourselves.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Are we always the same, eternally unable to escape the dark past, the promiscuous past, the saddness, the bad times that haunt us. Are we one thing forever? is this what you are telling me?
If so then what would be the point in continuing, never growing, never learning, always remaining the same; stagnant and small.
Should I have thrown down my sword a long time ago and given up? i could've thrown myself under a bus, hung myself from a tree to spare you the disgust of having to see me happy. Would this have made more sense to you?

Is my life before so unforgivable? did i do something so atrocious that happiness should always abate me? What do I deserve if you fucking know me so well...Tell me; what do i deserve?

There is no logic in cruelty, the way it flows from some people seems completely natural as though it just couldn't be any other way.. this in itself should make what these people say useless and redundant. But it doesn't. Cruelty is cruelty and pain is pain. We cant escape the effects no matter how much we think we have grown or how adult we thought we had become. I still feel the little girl who was picked on at school, her endless confusion as to why people were so fucking mean.. I feel the lost teenager, the scared teenager, the wild teenager. the emerging adult, the newlywed, the happiness, the unkindness of others and the current disappointment in other people.

What people say shouldn't matter but when some fat fuck is demoralising what should be the best moment in anyones life, spouting words they have no right to speak about me, about us.. then what more is there than disappointment. What more is there than brushing yourself off and continuing?

Yeah, i've made mistakes, plenty of them and i own each and every one of them. But all you are is one big fucking mistake who makes no apologies, full of hatred and nastiness...

what a miserable fucking existence.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Dream weaver.

I flew to L.A and it only took an 2 hours, we were in this huge house with steel doors trying to decide what flavoured ice cream to eat, turns out they were all variations of the same flavour which irritated me to no end. The mood was questionable because we were both unsure what we were doing there... We traipsed through this more than spacious mansion feeling unsure about it’s intentions.

The house seemed like an enclosed world, as though everything within it was separate from anything else in existence. This was both comforting and unsettling at the same time.

Suddenly the mood became very ominous and we knew there were ferocious Lions and Tigers outside the house (which by this stage had become a secluded fortress enshrouded in forest land) There was only one room with lighting and it reminded me of the movie Aladdin, warm golden light with a rich red splayed across the Persian rugs. We lounged amongst the huge golden cushions until the steel door protecting us started shaking and we could hear loud guttural growls coming from outside. Next thing we knew the giant paw of an abnormally large tiger wrenched the door from its hinges and was ferociously swiping at us. The Aladdin room was the only place I wanted to be so we tried to push the door shut and protect ourselves from the animal.

After a long time of battling with something we knew would never give up it’s head came through the steel door; growling, hissing and spitting... a cross between a living tiger and one of those old Chinese depictions of one. We knew this was no ordinary animal, it was demonic. We fled to the dark rooms that felt completely foreign. Everything was unknown and ventured into for the first time. The feeling of complete isolation engulfed me; I couldn’t tell someone where I am even if I wanted to...

The darkness was alive;sentient and suddenly it became clear that this had all been some elaborate plan, we'd been lured to this place where nothing else existed and the longer we stayed the further we were from reality. Nobody could hear you there and secrets didn’t exist because there was noone else around to hide things from.

The house was floating through space, before the creation of planets, matter, being. It hadn’t been built, it just was.

The tigers were the fear of the unknown personified. Strong, constant and unable to stop of their own accord. All that was left to do was run. Hiding in dark corner after dark corner, trapped in the expansive space that made no sense.

Suddenly I was at the airport; you had become really small clad in orange. You were someone else while remaining yourself and I was unsure who I was at all.

I had to find my family or something familiar before I ceased to exist all together.

The escalators were steep and seemingly endless, leading somewhere I couldn’t see. But this didn’t frighten me after what I had just been through. I ran up and up and up until my legs burned and my chest ached, tired and sweaty but still willing to get to the end of whatever this journey was.

Above me appeared a playground with a sea saw, merry go round and a bark covered floor. Nigel was there, but he wasn’t Nigel- not the one I’d known before, however I was too tired to question him. I fell at the feet of this new man and tried to sleep under the merry go round as it grazed the top of my shoulder with each turn. Nobody else existed, but I was too tired to care.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I'm no scientiest but to me it just seems entirely logical that human inhabition of the earth, industrialisation, over population, over production and the unnatural pollutants we emit into our atmosphere would negatively impact our environment. Not to say that without us the Earth would not slowly wind down over millions of years to the point of (our) extinction and then (it's own) rejuvination, but does it not just seem fucking logical to anyone else that through our take over of this planet some negative repurcussions would arise?? Does it not seem logical that not for the Earths sake but for OUR OWN survival as a species we should at least attempt to do SOMETHING about our current lifestyle. We do not live sustainably, for every gallon of oil we exract from the earth we use 6 and by next year it will be 8. It WILL run out. Shame on us for not having the smarts to assess the avalable resources before incorporating a non renewable energy source into every aspect of our daily lives. But this is the situation we are in, our climate IS changing whether we want to admit it or not, the world IS suffering and depleting faster than it would have without us, so it's not about "saving the planet", the planet will eventually boot us off and start again, but for the sake of our species and of all the other species' who we are ultimately responsible for due to our knowledge of what is happening in the world around us (and our self confessed highest ranking on the food chain) then I believe we should do whatever it takes to at least TRY and curb the irresponsible behaviours that currently rule our day to day lives. Fucking oath charge people more for existing, we deserve it. Charge more for the stench we fill our skies with. Why bloody not? At least give it a shot in the hopes that people will change their behaviour and thought processes. Tony Abbot is ANTI alot of things, but what does he believe in? By saying something is "CRAP" or "Bullshit" over and over again does not reach any constructive solution other than insighting school yard taunts from a misinformed public. As human beings we need to admit that perhaps we don't know everything, we are all still learning the ins and outs of this world, we are fledglings in the scheme of evolution so to blantantly state our presence here has done no harm is complete arrogance. The liberal party do not believe we have had an impact on our atmosphere/environment, whether this be their personal belief as individuals or merely their "united front' is irrelevant when it comes to the danger such a belief can have on our species and our planet. I have been in many a debate with people who have said things like "volcanoes emit more pollution into the air than we ever could" BUT HOW DO WE REALLY KNOW!? How do we know ANYTHING for sure.

For me I just have to look around, see the trash in the streets, smell the smog in the air, walk through my unnatrual concrete environment to feel that what we have done here is so far removed from the way things should be. This is not what Earth had in mind for us and due to our own lack of knowledge at the begining of industrialisation we have led this planet into a sombre situation. We take but we never give and I believe it to be our responsibility as morally aware beings to fuck off the apathy and the school yard attitude ("China's the biggest polluter, what about China..."), stop listening to the fear and political tug of war's that are rammed down our throats and start listening to our intuition and the evidence that is all around us.

So as I said, this is my opinion, I didn't go to Uni, I'm no fucking expert, but as a lamen this is how I see things. No matter how fierce an argument from an avid "climate change doesnt exist" advocate, no matter how many times Tony Abbot hisses the words "Bullshit" or "crap" regarding the issue, I feel it is only logical that our presence on this earth has contributed to our changing climate, and WILL contribute to the ceasing of our species entirely.

End rant.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I am a cliche. Living and breathing.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

There's no place like home.

The best things in life are free

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Trials and...

Can a person be socially anxious without being shy? I mean I don’t define myself as shy, but I would say I suffer from social anxiety. Is this not a juxtaposition and if so can we be both confident and awkward? Are these not complete contradictions of one another?
OR do we convince ourselves of our traits, so the way we feel about ourselves is often different to how we are perceived by others. Are we blinded by our own self analysis?
I mean the question ‘who am i?’ is one we all ponder, and I’m sure we like to think it is an easy question to answer, but maybe we just convince ourselves of that because to admit to anyone, let alone ourselves that we don’t really know who we are is too frightening for most of us. Does admitting that perhaps we are walking blindly with no REAL insight imply ignorance or stupidity or is it just being honest? Everyone is so determined to be sure of themselves so they are defined and secure in their niche, their little place in the world. Perhaps this is where many of our problems come from; we are so determined to be sure of ourselves that we stop asking questions and our TRUE selves can be lost in our reflection.
Is confidence merely a mask of insecurity? I mean I feel I can see it in the most confident of people, the insincerity of their obnoxiousness; you can catch it in the moments between the bullshit- a glance to the floor, a search for approval or the nervous breath of someone who is not concrete in their words. If you’ve felt it then you can see it in others. And I think that’s been my problem for many years, I have portrayed myself as something other than I am. So now I act and I cant stand the sound of it. Are we too busy putting on a show that we miss ever reading the story it was based on? And how can we ever truly answer WHO AM I when we are so desperately trying to prove we are something different?
I mean obnoxiousness and pride have been the flame that ignited wars, deaths, tragedy. People will kill to defend their strength, so we have forgotten the beauty of vulnerability.
I am starting to believe insecurity is truth. Overwhelming strength is easily faked but to be strong enough to question yourself seems to be more honest.
And as for social anxiety, maybe we all suffer from it, I don’t know. Maybe some just hide it better than others, for me its not seeing people or fear of embarrassment, its the fear of silence. My diagnosis is that I drank too much in my developmental years and never truly learnt to communicate with others without a crutch of drugs or alcohol. This was my choice and at 24 I have to re-learn those skills. But the thing that confuses me is that in work situations or speaking with people on the train, just everyday people doesn’t insight that fear into me. Meeting parents, going to the park and talking to someone else walking their dog – these things make me happy. Yet when I socialise with people of my age demographic who are trying to be something, or maybe they genuinely are something I don’t know, I crawl inside myself and instead out comes my actor and I force myself to communicate on a level I think is necessary until I can get out of the situation. Our generation seems to require this of us, that we stand out in some way. Whether it be a tonne of makeup or a bad attitude we are all searching for these things to define us. So what happens when we strip it away and we are all nervous and afraid of silence or sobriety, would the world be more peaceful or boring? We are all infatuated with judging others instead of questioning ourselves and I just wish it were easy to see the nervous vulnerability or each other and perhaps admit that we are walking blindly, if only a little.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Misery loves company

What have I learnt over the past few years?
I have been selfish, self centred. Well versed in being an arsehole a lot of the time. Partly due to my own misconceived perception that I was better than others but mostly through the jaded concept that I have had to struggle more than the next person. Oh how naïve I was, and now I can only look back and shudder at the thought. How typical…How white.
Who are any of us to judge another? We have created quite the cut throat society for ourselves.
It is ‘funny’ to be mean, our senses of humour are based on the shredding of others and it’s repulsive. Small mindedness fuelling small mindedness- spurring each other on in a battle of non wits. Whatever happened to being good or kind to your fellow man, I mean don’t get me wrong I’m quite new to this game but I know which frame of mind makes me feel like a better human being.
There is no solace in the goading of others; there is nothing but shallow conversation and lonely nights drowning in self appreciating social commentary.
It’s becoming blindingly clear that an attack upon others is a reflection of the insecurity in ourselves. The acknowledgement of others weaknesses to me represents the dismissal of our own. Its hard to look within, to crawl around our own crevices and search for our deeper meaning, what we want for ourselves, what we think of ourselves. Its pretty confronting at times especially if for most of your life you have been busy commenting on the ins and outs of others. So where do you begin?
It becomes harder and harder to distance yourself from negativity, I have had to move slowly away from the old persistent habit of gossip and nastiness. Sometimes it feels harder being kind than it does to be cruel, probably because we are creatures of habit and I had created this persona for myself, a persona that kept people from looking too closely into me and from me looking too closely into myself. I felt my past gave me some sort of wisdom, some sort of pass to be dismissive of others. It was wrong, I was wrong and that can be a hard pill to swallow. But sometimes the only way to grow is to denounce all pride, step back and say, I fucked up but oh well, tomorrow is a fresh day and tomorrow I will do something nice. Tomorrow I will smile at a stranger or have a conversation with someone I would have previously dismissed. Tomorrow when someone tries to indulge in nasty observations I will change the subject, walk away, smile and say I don’t agree. Because we all struggle, we all cry and laugh and want the same things, to love and be loved, to feel the kindness of strangers. Its incredible how much a touch on the arm or a comforting smile can mean when everything seems bleak and unoriginal. We all have our own battles so why be the one to create more.
I would be cliché and say “if I could take it all back I would” but I would be lying, if I hadn’t done the things I have, said the things ive said I would not have moved closer to who I want to be. Our paths aren’t decided for us, we are masters of our own future and if you’ve been an asshole for 25 years of your life, tomorrow can begin the next 25 years of trying to be better. Noones fucking perfect man and everyones just trying to make it through the days the best they can so unless you are a pilar of perfection, an angel sent from 'god' to judge the worthiness of others then maybe trying thinking before you say that mean thing you thought, its what I have to do everyday, break old habits, think to myself we are all sentient creatures just tyring to be happy, we all do it in our own way and each way is different, neither better nor worse than the other. And unless someone is hurting others, killing, or breeding negativity then let them be. I remind myself of this everyday and it makes the world a more beautiful place.

“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”

Friday, January 14, 2011

Life is so wild man, sometimes the things we think are going to be the worst turn out to be the best decisions we can make.
Fuck I was scared about what would happen if I ever just walked out of my job. As in how would i pay rent, would it be hard to get another job. I've already got my ticket booked overseas so what the fuck would I do without a job.
uh get another one.
ive been getting pissy the past few days, because i can. To be able to go and have some beers and watch a band, sleep in, make a cake, go snorkelling. And then make one phone call and have another job lined up for Monday.
Lifes so fucking easy sometimes man, it makes the bad times seem like a distant memory, a dream I once had that I cant really remember. Life is too short to worry or to spend 40 hours a week at a job I cant stand. Anything that further lessens my faith in human ability is a bad thing, and that place blew any faith i had left out of the water. People can be stupid. Enough said.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I think I make people treat me badly. Maybe I push them so far into resentment and anger that they just can't care for me anymore...
A kind, loving face becomes closed to me and nothing i say or do can get me back in.

I think I am made to be alone.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


You can cry until the fucking cows come home but what will it solve? What has it ever solved.. My self indulgent wollowing, rolling around in bed torn between crying and smothering myself in my pillow. I caught a glimpse of myself, eye makeup all over my face, puffy crying eyes. God, what a fucking eye sore. I need sleep, i havent had any since wednesday, the nights are too hot and my nightmares are fucking out of control. I wake up to stop them, go back to sleep and pick right up where i lfet off. Thanks subconcious.
I dont believe a relationship makes you whole, i used to "you complete me" Whatever. That theory leads me nowhere but to co dependency. I know i can be alone, i know it. But life is so much more fun with 2.
When my ex boyfriend and i broke up i was also quitting bongs, i;d smoked everyday for almost 2 years, the combination of heart ache and withdrawels made me want to die. Not so much so that i would kill myself but i just wanted to CEASE. The pain was too much, i remember watching the trains go by and thinking how easy it would be to just throw myself infront of one, it would only hurt for a split second and then i would feel nothing. The pain of heartbreak makes us contemplate death. How pathetic. But truly, when you lose the person you love it is like a death, as though a part of you is stripped away never to be seen again, but what about the slow descent of a relationship, the snide remarks, the lack of affection, that little nigling feeling that seomthing isnt right, it eats away at you like a slow flesh eating disease. Starting with a dull ache and ending with the stabbing pains. All of its as bad as eachother, pain. Hurt, saddness. Loss. But what i realised after my ex boyfriend and i split is that that slowly but surely the pain begins to subside, suddenly you find yourself laughing again, looking at other people, feeling happy. The pain doesnt go completely but it dims like a slow burning candle. Until one day, everythings ok. And suddenly life can be beautiful again, full of hope and positivity. Thats what i want in any capacity, and however i can get it. I want positivity. I want to be happy. No matter what i have to do to get there. There is only one past behind us, but immeasurable futures infront. And that should be comforting right??
RIGHT!? haha
Everything will work out, to worry is futile.


I could've been different, i couldve lied, i couldve been perfect. I couldve been someone else. But i'm not. I'm me. And I cant be anything else. Not for you, not even for myself.
All the good I do is marred by the past, It weighs me down when you remind me, the weight of my life, his life, our life. My family. When will it free me? I am trying so hard.
Lying in the bed crying, listening to the tracks that made me miserable in highschool. Waiting for the phone to ring, or an answer, clarity. Usually i would drink, but thats what got me here in the first place.
What is worth this? Nothing? Or have i just forgotten...