Envy...

..I dont know when you grow out of it or if you ever fully do. Its an emotion that lots of people dont recognise, or try to hide underneath compliments and a forced smile. I've always been able to see envy, but i've never really been very envious of anybody. There have been times, ecspecially in my childhood when i wished I had more money and wondered why life had been so good to some of the other kids around me. But i suppose now i realise that didnt have to do much with envy at all, more everybody elses projection of normality. I believed i was so differnet because everybody told me i was, lots of people at my school were pretty well off and i guess i felt like i had to be differnt in order to ever truly be accepted, truth be known alot of my childhood with my mum on a single parent pension and living in housing commision was spent playing with the other grubby kids that were like me, having fun, climbing tree's, telling fake stories and being fairly ignorant to any other desire than the desire for fun. However i suppose when you get a bit older, and everyone around you starts to notice that life is fairly tangible and things of monetary value are actually considered important; perceptions can change, ecspecially of ones self.
Thats where insecurity stems from, which of course in turn breeds envy. "I can see what i feel i lack in someone else, and i want it"
The same applies to superficial perceptions of course. The way we look and feel about ourselves physically. Thats all envy is about, feeling we lack something within ourselves.
I've never really felt envy about superficial things, the way some people get when they want to look a way they dont, or cant. Women are one of the most well formed beautiful things that were created, so to hate or feel contempt for someone you find desireable or attractive baffles me. To see another woman succeeding, feeling beautiful, looking beautiful; that is an accomplishment, something to be admired and respected instead of frowned upon due to our own feelings of self worth. Its never been looks that i envied, never. I can look at a beautiful girl and admire what she has, what her parents gave her. What i find more enviable are talents and insightfulness. Or confidence and self assurance. This is because these are things i feel i lack and things i desire. I do not have a problem with the way i look, my philosophy is we are what we are, why cry over something that cant be changed, I am more than happy with my physicality because i am strong, healthy, and well adjusted to who i am on the outside. Its the inside i have always had issues with, hence why when i see a woman who has conquered her demons, is intelligent, strong, witty and open I suppose in a way i do feel envy, because these are things i have yet to accomplish fully for myself.
Envy is an extension of our own insecurities and i suppose thats why people with little insight into themselves always seem to be the most envious. For example; Lads.
Generally, and i do mean GENERALLY they arent the most intelligent of sub cultures, hence the bashing of people for their belongings and the insults to attractive girls. Why would a young girl insult another on the street? Someone theyd never met before?? because something is happening in their subconcious that they dont understand. They are recognising something in this girl that they cant see in themselves.
I remember years ago, when i was about 15 i went out for Mardi Gras and was drinking in Hyde Park, i got into some kind of fight with this group of Nautica clad girls and one of them screamed "look at you in your short skirt". Ok, i was a 15 year old girl, are we supposed to wear full body jumpsuits or matching Wu-Tang tracksuits? So i said "im a girl..."
The thing is it wasnt that she was jealous of me or the fact that I was wearing a short skirt that annoyed her, it was the fact that she wasnt comfortable enough in herself to wear one and she most likely, subconciously or not, wished she could. But having such little insight into herself and her emotions those feelings re-directed themselves into hatred for me.
At the time i just thought she was a crazy, muscly, woman hater. Of course i now know that not to be the case.

Envy is pointless, redundant. With the energy it takes to fuel it you may aswell run on the spot for 10 minutes because it achieves nothing.
I wish people, girls ecspecially could learn these lessons earlier, before their body image is morphed and poisoned. Before they start to hate someone else because their 5 kilos lighter, or have longer hair. As corny and over used as it is, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder we need to worry about is ourselves.
The tall girl feels awkward because of her height, the short girl feels awkward because of her weight. The grass is always greener, and we always desire the things we cant have. So why do it?
When i grew up a bit and realised because of my poor childhood i now appreciate everything i have, i can relate to people of any walk of life, i am wiser and more empathetic because of it; I became thankful for missing out on things when i was little because it made me more of the person i respect.
When i look in the mirror i see a strong, healthy girl, but more importantly i see myself. What I look like. The universe doesnt care whether you like your outside or not, and you cant change it so we may aswell love what we were given, and feel happy for everybody else who does too.

Being envious is fucking lame.