Monday, October 5, 2009

One thing i have learnt so far in my life is that love is not enough. We are force fed disney bullshit from such a young age, and hollywood romantic bullshit in adult hood that we have too much faith in the fantasy of it.
INfact i am begining to believe the more you start to love someone the more difficult it becomes to sustain a functional relationship. Perhaps this is only the case with people like myself who are emotionally retarded and ruled by instinct and impulse.
I believe at times you can love someone so much that it is TOO much. A desire becomes a need and that is unhelthy, a want becomes a yearning and your mind becomes incapable of keeping up with itself. And when one lets the other down it is as though your world can come crashing down, as though your heart is broken when in the real world where you are sane and capable it would be resolved in probably just a stupid argument.
It is as though you love this person so much your emotions go crazy, your wires get all crossed and fucked up until you dont know what each emotion even is anymore. Slight irritation becomes nasty contempt, small insecurities become full blown jealousies and you both become like 2 negative magnets, no matter how hard you push and push you will always repel one another, you can never connect the way you need to.
I believe this is the type of love people are refering to when they say, love hurts. And it does, when it is like that it can be fucking painful.

People need to be equal, nobody should have to be the punching bag for someone elses unresolved issues and no matter how much you love someone if it doesnt work, and if you hurt eachother more than you make eachother feel good, then it is crazy to sacrifice eachothers sanity, Crazy love.
This is the relationship where you break up and get back together probably several times because you know what you had was real, you know what you felt for eachother was honest as fuck and thats why its so hard to let go. You keep coming back with the hope that you have both changed enough to make it work, but then you end again in a field of tears and hurt.
I have only been in one relationship like that, one in which i experienced emotions i never had before where i loved this person so much i thought noone would ever measure up, and the most horrible part of it all was when I realised that although I loved this person with my entire heart and fucking soul we simply could not be together.

I think when that relationship ended i let a part of myself die along with it, the part that became too vunerable and powerless to my own emotions and the person i am with now will probably pay a small price for that in the sense that i am incapable of completely letting go. I will always remain in complete control of what i am feeling because i am so afraid of loving somebody like that again. And i dont think that is necassarily a bad thing. I only do what i need to in order not to hurt people, not to hurt myself and to make sure i never push him away from me.
I am capable of love, infact I am in love. But its not like that, its not crazy love and thats ok, thats what i want, with it comes stability, calmness, babies, marriage, future and all the things a person like me needs to be safe and sane.


But you never forget it.

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