Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Trials and...

Can a person be socially anxious without being shy? I mean I don’t define myself as shy, but I would say I suffer from social anxiety. Is this not a juxtaposition and if so can we be both confident and awkward? Are these not complete contradictions of one another?
OR do we convince ourselves of our traits, so the way we feel about ourselves is often different to how we are perceived by others. Are we blinded by our own self analysis?
I mean the question ‘who am i?’ is one we all ponder, and I’m sure we like to think it is an easy question to answer, but maybe we just convince ourselves of that because to admit to anyone, let alone ourselves that we don’t really know who we are is too frightening for most of us. Does admitting that perhaps we are walking blindly with no REAL insight imply ignorance or stupidity or is it just being honest? Everyone is so determined to be sure of themselves so they are defined and secure in their niche, their little place in the world. Perhaps this is where many of our problems come from; we are so determined to be sure of ourselves that we stop asking questions and our TRUE selves can be lost in our reflection.
Is confidence merely a mask of insecurity? I mean I feel I can see it in the most confident of people, the insincerity of their obnoxiousness; you can catch it in the moments between the bullshit- a glance to the floor, a search for approval or the nervous breath of someone who is not concrete in their words. If you’ve felt it then you can see it in others. And I think that’s been my problem for many years, I have portrayed myself as something other than I am. So now I act and I cant stand the sound of it. Are we too busy putting on a show that we miss ever reading the story it was based on? And how can we ever truly answer WHO AM I when we are so desperately trying to prove we are something different?
I mean obnoxiousness and pride have been the flame that ignited wars, deaths, tragedy. People will kill to defend their strength, so we have forgotten the beauty of vulnerability.
I am starting to believe insecurity is truth. Overwhelming strength is easily faked but to be strong enough to question yourself seems to be more honest.
And as for social anxiety, maybe we all suffer from it, I don’t know. Maybe some just hide it better than others, for me its not seeing people or fear of embarrassment, its the fear of silence. My diagnosis is that I drank too much in my developmental years and never truly learnt to communicate with others without a crutch of drugs or alcohol. This was my choice and at 24 I have to re-learn those skills. But the thing that confuses me is that in work situations or speaking with people on the train, just everyday people doesn’t insight that fear into me. Meeting parents, going to the park and talking to someone else walking their dog – these things make me happy. Yet when I socialise with people of my age demographic who are trying to be something, or maybe they genuinely are something I don’t know, I crawl inside myself and instead out comes my actor and I force myself to communicate on a level I think is necessary until I can get out of the situation. Our generation seems to require this of us, that we stand out in some way. Whether it be a tonne of makeup or a bad attitude we are all searching for these things to define us. So what happens when we strip it away and we are all nervous and afraid of silence or sobriety, would the world be more peaceful or boring? We are all infatuated with judging others instead of questioning ourselves and I just wish it were easy to see the nervous vulnerability or each other and perhaps admit that we are walking blindly, if only a little.

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