Please

The most terrifying thought is that this feeling in my chest won't go away, I imagine a noose around my neck tightening all the time.. And just behind my eyes are a fountain of tears, my eyes are the flood gate. I want to throw up, and hide away and cry it all out, but i am scared they won't stop once they start.
I want to be away from everyone. From time, and space..from every memory i've ever had. I just want blackness until the feeling in my chest goes away.
Your friendship doesn't help. Nothing does.

Sour times

I wish you could see inside me and how uninterested I am in anyone else.
I wish you could know my devotion and how unable I am to touch another like I touch you.
I wish it were much easier than it is, much easier than we make it.

He said you were grey and that he was red. So what colour am I if I dont belong to either of you?

To be alone is so much scarier when it's real, but maybe it's all i'm capable of if you can't bare me either.

Monday

I seem to be in this constant battle between wanting to stay connected and feeling as though i need to dissaccoiate. Life is either this string of meaningless random events or a deep intergrated part of something more. I dont think i believe the latter, but what i mean by it has more to do with nature and my desire to feel like i am not completely disassociated from it. A cat followed me home today, i sat down and was patting her for a long time, i felt really sad while i was sitting there at the end of my street because she was so unaffected, so unaware of everything that goes on, unaware of pain and saddness, or anything else that plagues us. Me. All she knows how to do is live and be loved. She didnt know that i was sad or what was going on inside me..It seemed simple, it always does when you look at shit through the eyes of any other sentient being besides fucking humans.. We see everything all twisted and out of shape, i think we lost sight of what life really is when we introduced a value to everything, to the land, to the tree's, the air, to the animals. A rabbits worth $15, a mouse only $3, some dogs will cost you over a grand nowadays. I'm torn between giving up and becoming a complete consumer, eating up ignorance and living a blissful existence inside my own stupidity or screaming and crying about all the pent up disgust and contempt i have for this place. For what it has become. For the people, the lack of purity. I admit right now im down, i'm really fucking low down in a place i havent been for a while, its funny how writing comes so easily when i feel this way, as though the only reality worth writing about comes from saddness.
I watch the news and see young girls screaming for these worthless idols, not because they made any kind of informed decision to like them, not because they offer anything good or even interesting to the world but because we are now so controlled that one famous person can demand the attention of an entire generation. Kids are told what to like, what to listen to, what to wear. Society now gobble up any piece of money making pie that is fed to them. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me want to leave this place, everything in it and become something new and clean. The city makes us dirty and angry. But what else is there to do? where do you go? Whatever we try to escape will manage to find us somehow, we need to pay to sleep in our house, we need to pay to sleep on open land. There is a price for everything, even getting old.
and its scary, its scary how plugged into this invisible map we all are, how un-free we really are. How controlled we have always been. There is no empowerment, only a dissilusioned belief that is instilled in us to make us feel as though we're free so they can take our pocket money when we aren't looking, so they can tell our kids they can be anything they want! You better work work work kiddies, Make that fucking money! Thats what life is all about!.. Is that where the happiness is? Is that what i need to teach my kid in order for her not to become a drug addict or a fucking prostitute? Give me a break. We worship false idols, we hail at the feet of all the wrong people and things, we are merely a part of the scenery because our words are never heard and our will is never actioned. We are at the mercy of people much richer and much more 'important' than we are.
Its all a fucking comedy show, and the joke is on us.
So what to do? you know..this is the predicament. Swallow it? let it slide down my throat and dissappear with one big gulp, stop reading, stop learning, stop feeling jipped and just ride it without ever asking where it is exactly we are going?
Cos whats the alternative??
Things i've seen and felt of late have made me terrified of having a child, as though to bring another life into what we have now just wouldnt be right. As though i would be cheating her of a life before it even began.
How depressing right?
I dont know what happened to me to make me feel like such an imposter of a human being, what makes it so difficult for me to connect, to strap in and accept whats given to me. The questions i have are endless and infuriating, and some so complex even i dont understand them- i only know they exist because of the churning in my gut and the anxiety that plagues me at times like this.
I can get trapped inside my own thoughts, and sometimes its a scary place to be.

Fuck off

I woke up still drunk, my eyes are burrrrnnnnning.
oucchhhhh
So i understand im a menace to be friends with, i know i dont make it easy. Actually i make it difficult as fuck.
But does that mean that when i do become friends with somebody I have to accept anything even if it fucking hurts or dissapoints??
life is this massive wave of unpredictability and i dont particularly care if im required to ride it alone, it doesnt bother me. But society feeds us this ideal that we need to belong to some kind of tribe, some fucking community in order to be a functioning member of society...but what if i dont want it? what if im genuinely better off with fucking out it??? I spose thats not an option though you know... life is black and white, one must conform or else one must fuck off

Nigel is like this shining fucking light amongst all the bummers, this wholesome, genuinely good thing that shines goodness all over me. Even when im angry and dont want it, even when happiness is this far out of reach place i havent seen in days. Even when i cry for no reason, or tell him i dont want him anymore... i never mean it but arent the evil words so much easier to say?
Even when i come home at 3 in the morning crying my fucking eyes out drinking beer and rambling incessantly about my problems. He just lays there and listens, and i know deep down he thinks im stupid, i know he probably thinks im fucking insane alot of the time, but he never lets me feel like that. I often wonder what i did to deserve that kind of friendship, i didnt do anything good enough to feel worthy of it, but i have it and its mine, nobody else in the whole world has that genuine straight up devotion. I wish i wasnt such a weirdo and i could verbalise these things because i really dont think he knows.
Maybe he'll read this and think im an even bigger mental case for publiscising it to the world yet remaining unable to talk about it. whatever. all i know is i would be lost without that devotion, it lights up the darkness when i forget its even possible to be light. The deep, pure intent with which he loves me makes me feel worthy of being alive, even when i dont feel worthy of recieving it. So why do i need anything else? Why, when it makes me unfathomably fucking anxious, do i feel the need to participate? I dont think anyone truly understands how difficult it is for me to thrive in a social situation or to feel comfortable. I truly think im happier alone, friendship imposes this massive fucking responsibility on a person, this responsibility i would love to have if it was worth it, if somebody was genuinely worth it. If it was worth the fucking trouble. But it aint, and dissapointment is this unneccassary thing that fucking hounds you. and whats the point? So we can have the same conversation fifty times over and arrive at the same fucking pivot everyday? I dont want this sick feeling in my stomach,
i dont want to expect more yet recieve less. Leave me be in the world i have created, dont knock on my door anymore because nobodys fucking home.

NADA

So today i was walking home from work and i saw a girl who had a very influential role in one of my past relationships. I suppose you could say she played a negative role in it and I've always strongly disliked her to the point of even 'hating' her, yet today i saw her and i felt nothing, mere indifference i suppose. I even imagined myself walking up to her and saying "hey fuck sorry about all that shit that went down, its all cool now so lets forget about it" but then the stubbornness in me wouldn't allow it because it would be like betraying the old me that cared so much, the old me that hated her and was hurt by her.
But it made me think about relationships and how easily the feelings can fade, well not so much easily, but how its possible for such intense emotion to just fade, fade, fade until you barely remember feeling them at all.
This all led me to think about the reasons behind why we feel the despair we do when a relationship ends, i think i figured out that for myself it isnt really the fact that it ends, more so how it ends and that you commit so severly to something and then it fails. Its like any other life goal or dream not being realised and you think "but man i tried so hard and i really loved that person how could I fuck it up so bad?" and they think the same thing but noone ever mentions it, very few can sit down and say "you hurt me by doing this..." or "you fucked it up because of this..."
For example, my highschool boyfriend and i had a very tumultuous relationship, suprise suprise, but we're still down with eachother because we talked about all the shit that hurt us and made us feel bad or angry towards one another, its like letting go of all the weight that binds you both, you can let it go because you hear eachother and can accept that you both fucked up, you did bad things or maybe (as hard as it is to admit) you just werent right for eachother.
Instead we internalise it and let it fester into hatred or worse, apathy...

because apathy is the closest feeling to feeling nothing at all...

All i want in llife is simplicity, a nice day, a quiet morning, sleepy afternoons. sex. wishing and dreaming about the future. Hope, and being excited. Excitement is a feeling i never want to lose because to me it is a reminder of innocence, I get excited about looking up a cartoon i havent watched since i was 6 years old or cooking dinner with my boyfriend, going out to eat like a real adult because I dont feel like one all the time, and i suppose these things remind me that with every year that passes or age i grow into i still remain a kid, somewhere inside. And i wont ever lose that. Just like my mum gets excited about going out for sushi because she would never eat it of her own accord, or how my dad lights up when we talk about skateboarding because it reminds him of being a kid. They havent lost it. But so many have, Whatever it is, they just don't have it anymore, and thats fucking scary.

Mush

My nightmares are becoming less frequent, i understand this is because i am happier, less worried and life has become more and more simple lately, sharing all of my life with someone else who wants the same things, who isn't like anyone ive ever been with before, who takes care of me and who i want to take care of in return, its this undeniably reassuring feeling, like no matter where we are or what happens everything will be ok. And thats it man, like if you get that feeling you don't need anything else, its protection from the elements, its warmth when I am cold, food when i am hungry, safety when i am scared. But how can you tell someone that? How can you say it out loud without sounding like a fucking marshmellow or a badly written poem?