Monday

I seem to be in this constant battle between wanting to stay connected and feeling as though i need to dissaccoiate. Life is either this string of meaningless random events or a deep intergrated part of something more. I dont think i believe the latter, but what i mean by it has more to do with nature and my desire to feel like i am not completely disassociated from it. A cat followed me home today, i sat down and was patting her for a long time, i felt really sad while i was sitting there at the end of my street because she was so unaffected, so unaware of everything that goes on, unaware of pain and saddness, or anything else that plagues us. Me. All she knows how to do is live and be loved. She didnt know that i was sad or what was going on inside me..It seemed simple, it always does when you look at shit through the eyes of any other sentient being besides fucking humans.. We see everything all twisted and out of shape, i think we lost sight of what life really is when we introduced a value to everything, to the land, to the tree's, the air, to the animals. A rabbits worth $15, a mouse only $3, some dogs will cost you over a grand nowadays. I'm torn between giving up and becoming a complete consumer, eating up ignorance and living a blissful existence inside my own stupidity or screaming and crying about all the pent up disgust and contempt i have for this place. For what it has become. For the people, the lack of purity. I admit right now im down, i'm really fucking low down in a place i havent been for a while, its funny how writing comes so easily when i feel this way, as though the only reality worth writing about comes from saddness.
I watch the news and see young girls screaming for these worthless idols, not because they made any kind of informed decision to like them, not because they offer anything good or even interesting to the world but because we are now so controlled that one famous person can demand the attention of an entire generation. Kids are told what to like, what to listen to, what to wear. Society now gobble up any piece of money making pie that is fed to them. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me want to leave this place, everything in it and become something new and clean. The city makes us dirty and angry. But what else is there to do? where do you go? Whatever we try to escape will manage to find us somehow, we need to pay to sleep in our house, we need to pay to sleep on open land. There is a price for everything, even getting old.
and its scary, its scary how plugged into this invisible map we all are, how un-free we really are. How controlled we have always been. There is no empowerment, only a dissilusioned belief that is instilled in us to make us feel as though we're free so they can take our pocket money when we aren't looking, so they can tell our kids they can be anything they want! You better work work work kiddies, Make that fucking money! Thats what life is all about!.. Is that where the happiness is? Is that what i need to teach my kid in order for her not to become a drug addict or a fucking prostitute? Give me a break. We worship false idols, we hail at the feet of all the wrong people and things, we are merely a part of the scenery because our words are never heard and our will is never actioned. We are at the mercy of people much richer and much more 'important' than we are.
Its all a fucking comedy show, and the joke is on us.
So what to do? you know..this is the predicament. Swallow it? let it slide down my throat and dissappear with one big gulp, stop reading, stop learning, stop feeling jipped and just ride it without ever asking where it is exactly we are going?
Cos whats the alternative??
Things i've seen and felt of late have made me terrified of having a child, as though to bring another life into what we have now just wouldnt be right. As though i would be cheating her of a life before it even began.
How depressing right?
I dont know what happened to me to make me feel like such an imposter of a human being, what makes it so difficult for me to connect, to strap in and accept whats given to me. The questions i have are endless and infuriating, and some so complex even i dont understand them- i only know they exist because of the churning in my gut and the anxiety that plagues me at times like this.
I can get trapped inside my own thoughts, and sometimes its a scary place to be.