Fuck off

I woke up still drunk, my eyes are burrrrnnnnning.
oucchhhhh
So i understand im a menace to be friends with, i know i dont make it easy. Actually i make it difficult as fuck.
But does that mean that when i do become friends with somebody I have to accept anything even if it fucking hurts or dissapoints??
life is this massive wave of unpredictability and i dont particularly care if im required to ride it alone, it doesnt bother me. But society feeds us this ideal that we need to belong to some kind of tribe, some fucking community in order to be a functioning member of society...but what if i dont want it? what if im genuinely better off with fucking out it??? I spose thats not an option though you know... life is black and white, one must conform or else one must fuck off

Nigel is like this shining fucking light amongst all the bummers, this wholesome, genuinely good thing that shines goodness all over me. Even when im angry and dont want it, even when happiness is this far out of reach place i havent seen in days. Even when i cry for no reason, or tell him i dont want him anymore... i never mean it but arent the evil words so much easier to say?
Even when i come home at 3 in the morning crying my fucking eyes out drinking beer and rambling incessantly about my problems. He just lays there and listens, and i know deep down he thinks im stupid, i know he probably thinks im fucking insane alot of the time, but he never lets me feel like that. I often wonder what i did to deserve that kind of friendship, i didnt do anything good enough to feel worthy of it, but i have it and its mine, nobody else in the whole world has that genuine straight up devotion. I wish i wasnt such a weirdo and i could verbalise these things because i really dont think he knows.
Maybe he'll read this and think im an even bigger mental case for publiscising it to the world yet remaining unable to talk about it. whatever. all i know is i would be lost without that devotion, it lights up the darkness when i forget its even possible to be light. The deep, pure intent with which he loves me makes me feel worthy of being alive, even when i dont feel worthy of recieving it. So why do i need anything else? Why, when it makes me unfathomably fucking anxious, do i feel the need to participate? I dont think anyone truly understands how difficult it is for me to thrive in a social situation or to feel comfortable. I truly think im happier alone, friendship imposes this massive fucking responsibility on a person, this responsibility i would love to have if it was worth it, if somebody was genuinely worth it. If it was worth the fucking trouble. But it aint, and dissapointment is this unneccassary thing that fucking hounds you. and whats the point? So we can have the same conversation fifty times over and arrive at the same fucking pivot everyday? I dont want this sick feeling in my stomach,
i dont want to expect more yet recieve less. Leave me be in the world i have created, dont knock on my door anymore because nobodys fucking home.