Can a person be socially anxious without being shy? I mean I don’t define myself as shy, but I would say I suffer from social anxiety. Is this not a juxtaposition and if so can we be both confident and awkward? Are these not complete contradictions of one another?
OR do we convince ourselves of our traits, so the way we feel about ourselves is often different to how we are perceived by others. Are we blinded by our own self analysis?
I mean the question ‘who am i?’ is one we all ponder, and I’m sure we like to think it is an easy question to answer, but maybe we just convince ourselves of that because to admit to anyone, let alone ourselves that we don’t really know who we are is too frightening for most of us. Does admitting that perhaps we are walking blindly with no REAL insight imply ignorance or stupidity or is it just being honest? Everyone is so determined to be sure of themselves so they are defined and secure in their niche, their little place in the world. Perhaps this is where many of our problems come from; we are so determined to be sure of ourselves that we stop asking questions and our TRUE selves can be lost in our reflection.
Is confidence merely a mask of insecurity? I mean I feel I can see it in the most confident of people, the insincerity of their obnoxiousness; you can catch it in the moments between the bullshit- a glance to the floor, a search for approval or the nervous breath of someone who is not concrete in their words. If you’ve felt it then you can see it in others. And I think that’s been my problem for many years, I have portrayed myself as something other than I am. So now I act and I cant stand the sound of it. Are we too busy putting on a show that we miss ever reading the story it was based on? And how can we ever truly answer WHO AM I when we are so desperately trying to prove we are something different?
I mean obnoxiousness and pride have been the flame that ignited wars, deaths, tragedy. People will kill to defend their strength, so we have forgotten the beauty of vulnerability.
I am starting to believe insecurity is truth. Overwhelming strength is easily faked but to be strong enough to question yourself seems to be more honest.
And as for social anxiety, maybe we all suffer from it, I don’t know. Maybe some just hide it better than others, for me its not seeing people or fear of embarrassment, its the fear of silence. My diagnosis is that I drank too much in my developmental years and never truly learnt to communicate with others without a crutch of drugs or alcohol. This was my choice and at 24 I have to re-learn those skills. But the thing that confuses me is that in work situations or speaking with people on the train, just everyday people doesn’t insight that fear into me. Meeting parents, going to the park and talking to someone else walking their dog – these things make me happy. Yet when I socialise with people of my age demographic who are trying to be something, or maybe they genuinely are something I don’t know, I crawl inside myself and instead out comes my actor and I force myself to communicate on a level I think is necessary until I can get out of the situation. Our generation seems to require this of us, that we stand out in some way. Whether it be a tonne of makeup or a bad attitude we are all searching for these things to define us. So what happens when we strip it away and we are all nervous and afraid of silence or sobriety, would the world be more peaceful or boring? We are all infatuated with judging others instead of questioning ourselves and I just wish it were easy to see the nervous vulnerability or each other and perhaps admit that we are walking blindly, if only a little.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Misery loves company
What have I learnt over the past few years?
I have been selfish, self centred. Well versed in being an arsehole a lot of the time. Partly due to my own misconceived perception that I was better than others but mostly through the jaded concept that I have had to struggle more than the next person. Oh how naïve I was, and now I can only look back and shudder at the thought. How typical…How white.
Who are any of us to judge another? We have created quite the cut throat society for ourselves.
It is ‘funny’ to be mean, our senses of humour are based on the shredding of others and it’s repulsive. Small mindedness fuelling small mindedness- spurring each other on in a battle of non wits. Whatever happened to being good or kind to your fellow man, I mean don’t get me wrong I’m quite new to this game but I know which frame of mind makes me feel like a better human being.
There is no solace in the goading of others; there is nothing but shallow conversation and lonely nights drowning in self appreciating social commentary.
It’s becoming blindingly clear that an attack upon others is a reflection of the insecurity in ourselves. The acknowledgement of others weaknesses to me represents the dismissal of our own. Its hard to look within, to crawl around our own crevices and search for our deeper meaning, what we want for ourselves, what we think of ourselves. Its pretty confronting at times especially if for most of your life you have been busy commenting on the ins and outs of others. So where do you begin?
It becomes harder and harder to distance yourself from negativity, I have had to move slowly away from the old persistent habit of gossip and nastiness. Sometimes it feels harder being kind than it does to be cruel, probably because we are creatures of habit and I had created this persona for myself, a persona that kept people from looking too closely into me and from me looking too closely into myself. I felt my past gave me some sort of wisdom, some sort of pass to be dismissive of others. It was wrong, I was wrong and that can be a hard pill to swallow. But sometimes the only way to grow is to denounce all pride, step back and say, I fucked up but oh well, tomorrow is a fresh day and tomorrow I will do something nice. Tomorrow I will smile at a stranger or have a conversation with someone I would have previously dismissed. Tomorrow when someone tries to indulge in nasty observations I will change the subject, walk away, smile and say I don’t agree. Because we all struggle, we all cry and laugh and want the same things, to love and be loved, to feel the kindness of strangers. Its incredible how much a touch on the arm or a comforting smile can mean when everything seems bleak and unoriginal. We all have our own battles so why be the one to create more.
I would be cliché and say “if I could take it all back I would” but I would be lying, if I hadn’t done the things I have, said the things ive said I would not have moved closer to who I want to be. Our paths aren’t decided for us, we are masters of our own future and if you’ve been an asshole for 25 years of your life, tomorrow can begin the next 25 years of trying to be better. Noones fucking perfect man and everyones just trying to make it through the days the best they can so unless you are a pilar of perfection, an angel sent from 'god' to judge the worthiness of others then maybe trying thinking before you say that mean thing you thought, its what I have to do everyday, break old habits, think to myself we are all sentient creatures just tyring to be happy, we all do it in our own way and each way is different, neither better nor worse than the other. And unless someone is hurting others, killing, or breeding negativity then let them be. I remind myself of this everyday and it makes the world a more beautiful place.
“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”
I have been selfish, self centred. Well versed in being an arsehole a lot of the time. Partly due to my own misconceived perception that I was better than others but mostly through the jaded concept that I have had to struggle more than the next person. Oh how naïve I was, and now I can only look back and shudder at the thought. How typical…How white.
Who are any of us to judge another? We have created quite the cut throat society for ourselves.
It is ‘funny’ to be mean, our senses of humour are based on the shredding of others and it’s repulsive. Small mindedness fuelling small mindedness- spurring each other on in a battle of non wits. Whatever happened to being good or kind to your fellow man, I mean don’t get me wrong I’m quite new to this game but I know which frame of mind makes me feel like a better human being.
There is no solace in the goading of others; there is nothing but shallow conversation and lonely nights drowning in self appreciating social commentary.
It’s becoming blindingly clear that an attack upon others is a reflection of the insecurity in ourselves. The acknowledgement of others weaknesses to me represents the dismissal of our own. Its hard to look within, to crawl around our own crevices and search for our deeper meaning, what we want for ourselves, what we think of ourselves. Its pretty confronting at times especially if for most of your life you have been busy commenting on the ins and outs of others. So where do you begin?
It becomes harder and harder to distance yourself from negativity, I have had to move slowly away from the old persistent habit of gossip and nastiness. Sometimes it feels harder being kind than it does to be cruel, probably because we are creatures of habit and I had created this persona for myself, a persona that kept people from looking too closely into me and from me looking too closely into myself. I felt my past gave me some sort of wisdom, some sort of pass to be dismissive of others. It was wrong, I was wrong and that can be a hard pill to swallow. But sometimes the only way to grow is to denounce all pride, step back and say, I fucked up but oh well, tomorrow is a fresh day and tomorrow I will do something nice. Tomorrow I will smile at a stranger or have a conversation with someone I would have previously dismissed. Tomorrow when someone tries to indulge in nasty observations I will change the subject, walk away, smile and say I don’t agree. Because we all struggle, we all cry and laugh and want the same things, to love and be loved, to feel the kindness of strangers. Its incredible how much a touch on the arm or a comforting smile can mean when everything seems bleak and unoriginal. We all have our own battles so why be the one to create more.
I would be cliché and say “if I could take it all back I would” but I would be lying, if I hadn’t done the things I have, said the things ive said I would not have moved closer to who I want to be. Our paths aren’t decided for us, we are masters of our own future and if you’ve been an asshole for 25 years of your life, tomorrow can begin the next 25 years of trying to be better. Noones fucking perfect man and everyones just trying to make it through the days the best they can so unless you are a pilar of perfection, an angel sent from 'god' to judge the worthiness of others then maybe trying thinking before you say that mean thing you thought, its what I have to do everyday, break old habits, think to myself we are all sentient creatures just tyring to be happy, we all do it in our own way and each way is different, neither better nor worse than the other. And unless someone is hurting others, killing, or breeding negativity then let them be. I remind myself of this everyday and it makes the world a more beautiful place.
“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”
Friday, January 14, 2011
Life is so wild man, sometimes the things we think are going to be the worst turn out to be the best decisions we can make.
Fuck I was scared about what would happen if I ever just walked out of my job. As in how would i pay rent, would it be hard to get another job. I've already got my ticket booked overseas so what the fuck would I do without a job.
uh get another one.
ive been getting pissy the past few days, because i can. To be able to go and have some beers and watch a band, sleep in, make a cake, go snorkelling. And then make one phone call and have another job lined up for Monday.
Lifes so fucking easy sometimes man, it makes the bad times seem like a distant memory, a dream I once had that I cant really remember. Life is too short to worry or to spend 40 hours a week at a job I cant stand. Anything that further lessens my faith in human ability is a bad thing, and that place blew any faith i had left out of the water. People can be stupid. Enough said.
Fuck I was scared about what would happen if I ever just walked out of my job. As in how would i pay rent, would it be hard to get another job. I've already got my ticket booked overseas so what the fuck would I do without a job.
uh get another one.
ive been getting pissy the past few days, because i can. To be able to go and have some beers and watch a band, sleep in, make a cake, go snorkelling. And then make one phone call and have another job lined up for Monday.
Lifes so fucking easy sometimes man, it makes the bad times seem like a distant memory, a dream I once had that I cant really remember. Life is too short to worry or to spend 40 hours a week at a job I cant stand. Anything that further lessens my faith in human ability is a bad thing, and that place blew any faith i had left out of the water. People can be stupid. Enough said.
Friday, January 7, 2011
bed.
I think I make people treat me badly. Maybe I push them so far into resentment and anger that they just can't care for me anymore...
A kind, loving face becomes closed to me and nothing i say or do can get me back in.
I think I am made to be alone.
A kind, loving face becomes closed to me and nothing i say or do can get me back in.
I think I am made to be alone.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Afterthought
You can cry until the fucking cows come home but what will it solve? What has it ever solved.. My self indulgent wollowing, rolling around in bed torn between crying and smothering myself in my pillow. I caught a glimpse of myself, eye makeup all over my face, puffy crying eyes. God, what a fucking eye sore. I need sleep, i havent had any since wednesday, the nights are too hot and my nightmares are fucking out of control. I wake up to stop them, go back to sleep and pick right up where i lfet off. Thanks subconcious.
I dont believe a relationship makes you whole, i used to "you complete me" Whatever. That theory leads me nowhere but to co dependency. I know i can be alone, i know it. But life is so much more fun with 2.
When my ex boyfriend and i broke up i was also quitting bongs, i;d smoked everyday for almost 2 years, the combination of heart ache and withdrawels made me want to die. Not so much so that i would kill myself but i just wanted to CEASE. The pain was too much, i remember watching the trains go by and thinking how easy it would be to just throw myself infront of one, it would only hurt for a split second and then i would feel nothing. The pain of heartbreak makes us contemplate death. How pathetic. But truly, when you lose the person you love it is like a death, as though a part of you is stripped away never to be seen again, but what about the slow descent of a relationship, the snide remarks, the lack of affection, that little nigling feeling that seomthing isnt right, it eats away at you like a slow flesh eating disease. Starting with a dull ache and ending with the stabbing pains. All of its as bad as eachother, pain. Hurt, saddness. Loss. But what i realised after my ex boyfriend and i split is that that slowly but surely the pain begins to subside, suddenly you find yourself laughing again, looking at other people, feeling happy. The pain doesnt go completely but it dims like a slow burning candle. Until one day, everythings ok. And suddenly life can be beautiful again, full of hope and positivity. Thats what i want in any capacity, and however i can get it. I want positivity. I want to be happy. No matter what i have to do to get there. There is only one past behind us, but immeasurable futures infront. And that should be comforting right??
RIGHT!? haha
Everything will work out, to worry is futile.
I dont believe a relationship makes you whole, i used to "you complete me" Whatever. That theory leads me nowhere but to co dependency. I know i can be alone, i know it. But life is so much more fun with 2.
When my ex boyfriend and i broke up i was also quitting bongs, i;d smoked everyday for almost 2 years, the combination of heart ache and withdrawels made me want to die. Not so much so that i would kill myself but i just wanted to CEASE. The pain was too much, i remember watching the trains go by and thinking how easy it would be to just throw myself infront of one, it would only hurt for a split second and then i would feel nothing. The pain of heartbreak makes us contemplate death. How pathetic. But truly, when you lose the person you love it is like a death, as though a part of you is stripped away never to be seen again, but what about the slow descent of a relationship, the snide remarks, the lack of affection, that little nigling feeling that seomthing isnt right, it eats away at you like a slow flesh eating disease. Starting with a dull ache and ending with the stabbing pains. All of its as bad as eachother, pain. Hurt, saddness. Loss. But what i realised after my ex boyfriend and i split is that that slowly but surely the pain begins to subside, suddenly you find yourself laughing again, looking at other people, feeling happy. The pain doesnt go completely but it dims like a slow burning candle. Until one day, everythings ok. And suddenly life can be beautiful again, full of hope and positivity. Thats what i want in any capacity, and however i can get it. I want positivity. I want to be happy. No matter what i have to do to get there. There is only one past behind us, but immeasurable futures infront. And that should be comforting right??
RIGHT!? haha
Everything will work out, to worry is futile.
Thorns.
I could've been different, i couldve lied, i couldve been perfect. I couldve been someone else. But i'm not. I'm me. And I cant be anything else. Not for you, not even for myself.
All the good I do is marred by the past, It weighs me down when you remind me, the weight of my life, his life, our life. My family. When will it free me? I am trying so hard.
Lying in the bed crying, listening to the tracks that made me miserable in highschool. Waiting for the phone to ring, or an answer, clarity. Usually i would drink, but thats what got me here in the first place.
What is worth this? Nothing? Or have i just forgotten...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU6KhFWvKPM
All the good I do is marred by the past, It weighs me down when you remind me, the weight of my life, his life, our life. My family. When will it free me? I am trying so hard.
Lying in the bed crying, listening to the tracks that made me miserable in highschool. Waiting for the phone to ring, or an answer, clarity. Usually i would drink, but thats what got me here in the first place.
What is worth this? Nothing? Or have i just forgotten...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU6KhFWvKPM
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
14th December 2010
Growing up I had little to no guidance from adults, I mean I was left to my own devices alot, left to discover my own moral standards as my influences weren't exactly angelic. I mean when i think of it metaphorically I imagine myself, in a big empty room trying to decide what to do. thats how i imagine my childhood. Me, little and confused trying to discover the right thing to do.
Dont get me wrong, i had a loving family but being an only child in, at times, very tumultuous surroundings made me quite a suspicious and confused person. I mean with people around you doing one thing yet feeling like perhaps theyre not doing what theyre supposed to is a pretty challenging state of mind for a 6 year old.
i believe as humans we naturally have instilled within us a moral standard. It is the oustide world that changes these. i mean of course there are exceptions, sociopaths, narscicists, psychopaths, people with a different chemical make up to the average human being, but i do believe people in general are born good.
It is merely our surroundings that can create evil. 2 girls born on the same day, both healthy and crying, soft little new born sponge's ready to soak up the world they are presented with, one born into a big, kind, loving, down to earth, educated and middle class family. The other born into a lower class, small family, living in housing commission with no support network, no education and a history of violence. Dont get me wrong, these are stereotypes and generalisations, but alot of the time these 2 girls will grow up to be 2 women worlds apart. Its the way of the world, The cycle of the rich getting richer, smart getting smarter. basically what im saying is we become what we are fed, we become the world around us and if we are presented with limited options, limited positive figures of influence we can grow into bad, lost, angry, sad people. Whatever.
Growing up with noone around and noone really telling you whats right or wrong leads to a rather confusing state of mind.
And ive discovered of late the battle I have been in; trying to keep my core morals alive when i'm not even sure if theyre the right core morals to have.
I imagine having a large, loving family with a consenus as to what is right or wrong makes it alot easier to have a more concrete idea of who you are. I however didnt have this so i was left kind of floundering around trying to decide for myself what is right and wrong, its still to this day why I get confused about my moral values and what type of person i am.
Its been a constant battle between the person i desire to be and the person I can sometimes become. Or the person society was telling me was right and the characters i was surrounded with.
I am an out of control drug taker, an alcoholic, a cynical closed off confused person who hates the world due to an intrinsic warped hatred of myself, and i am also an emphatically joyous, immature, intelligent, light, caring and patient person who is slowly learning to love not just others but myself aswell. The latter is who i can feel deep inside me, the adult I as a child should have become. The first is what the outside world told me was ok, that darkness was my saviour from ever having to get to know the real me, from ever really having to get to anybody else. Drugs make it so easy to get lost in the confusion, they make it so easy to never really have to get to know yourself or anyone else for that matter.
They allowed me to think I had a real social life, real friends, a real idea of who I am, when in reality it was a mashed up version of non events and blurry memories, regrets and horrible nights out that resulted in days of anxiety. These are the reasons i believed i was so cynical, these are the reasons i felt so iscolated. i was iscolating myself.
To start a life without them is almost like a rebirth, a terrifying but exciting new begining where i will feel awkward in social situations but proud when i go home at 11pm and tuck myself into bed knowing i did nothing to be ashamed of.
I know i am an addict, I know I have used drugs and alcohol as a crutch for much of my life, they are what started relationships and what ultimately ended them, they are what made me happy, but destroyed me, they are what fuelled friendships and what ended them. TO be wasted makes me feel free of the constraints of my life, but really it is the jail that has always kept me from ever truly being free.
The thought of life without them is terrifying but in the most exciting and hope filled sense.
Give me the strength to do whats right, because i cant keep being wrong anymore. And if you know me and you care then keep them away from me and know that i want this to be it for me, 24 and just learning to walk without anything jading my view. I want freedom.
Dont get me wrong, i had a loving family but being an only child in, at times, very tumultuous surroundings made me quite a suspicious and confused person. I mean with people around you doing one thing yet feeling like perhaps theyre not doing what theyre supposed to is a pretty challenging state of mind for a 6 year old.
i believe as humans we naturally have instilled within us a moral standard. It is the oustide world that changes these. i mean of course there are exceptions, sociopaths, narscicists, psychopaths, people with a different chemical make up to the average human being, but i do believe people in general are born good.
It is merely our surroundings that can create evil. 2 girls born on the same day, both healthy and crying, soft little new born sponge's ready to soak up the world they are presented with, one born into a big, kind, loving, down to earth, educated and middle class family. The other born into a lower class, small family, living in housing commission with no support network, no education and a history of violence. Dont get me wrong, these are stereotypes and generalisations, but alot of the time these 2 girls will grow up to be 2 women worlds apart. Its the way of the world, The cycle of the rich getting richer, smart getting smarter. basically what im saying is we become what we are fed, we become the world around us and if we are presented with limited options, limited positive figures of influence we can grow into bad, lost, angry, sad people. Whatever.
Growing up with noone around and noone really telling you whats right or wrong leads to a rather confusing state of mind.
And ive discovered of late the battle I have been in; trying to keep my core morals alive when i'm not even sure if theyre the right core morals to have.
I imagine having a large, loving family with a consenus as to what is right or wrong makes it alot easier to have a more concrete idea of who you are. I however didnt have this so i was left kind of floundering around trying to decide for myself what is right and wrong, its still to this day why I get confused about my moral values and what type of person i am.
Its been a constant battle between the person i desire to be and the person I can sometimes become. Or the person society was telling me was right and the characters i was surrounded with.
I am an out of control drug taker, an alcoholic, a cynical closed off confused person who hates the world due to an intrinsic warped hatred of myself, and i am also an emphatically joyous, immature, intelligent, light, caring and patient person who is slowly learning to love not just others but myself aswell. The latter is who i can feel deep inside me, the adult I as a child should have become. The first is what the outside world told me was ok, that darkness was my saviour from ever having to get to know the real me, from ever really having to get to anybody else. Drugs make it so easy to get lost in the confusion, they make it so easy to never really have to get to know yourself or anyone else for that matter.
They allowed me to think I had a real social life, real friends, a real idea of who I am, when in reality it was a mashed up version of non events and blurry memories, regrets and horrible nights out that resulted in days of anxiety. These are the reasons i believed i was so cynical, these are the reasons i felt so iscolated. i was iscolating myself.
To start a life without them is almost like a rebirth, a terrifying but exciting new begining where i will feel awkward in social situations but proud when i go home at 11pm and tuck myself into bed knowing i did nothing to be ashamed of.
I know i am an addict, I know I have used drugs and alcohol as a crutch for much of my life, they are what started relationships and what ultimately ended them, they are what made me happy, but destroyed me, they are what fuelled friendships and what ended them. TO be wasted makes me feel free of the constraints of my life, but really it is the jail that has always kept me from ever truly being free.
The thought of life without them is terrifying but in the most exciting and hope filled sense.
Give me the strength to do whats right, because i cant keep being wrong anymore. And if you know me and you care then keep them away from me and know that i want this to be it for me, 24 and just learning to walk without anything jading my view. I want freedom.
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