Wednesday

I just have this lack of care at the moment, I feel like everything is staying the same and so am i to an extent, however the everything that used to interest me just doesn't anymore. I suppose what i meant in my writing last week was that i seem to be becoming more and more detached from all that i used to be involved in. It feels good, as though maybe something else is happening. Or maybe I'm making other things happen and not just being taken along with the waves of familiarity. Same old streets on the same old day.
But today it feels like life, real life. Like waking out of a dreary dream and leaving all those characters behind for a while.
Leaving it all behind for something else.. Even if i'm not quite sure what that is yet.

The thing is,I don't care about music festivals, i don't care about seeing bands, i don't care if i miss something that would seemingly leave me behind. I have no desire to be the prettiest. I find no need to be desired by all or even some. Male attention makes me uncomfortable when it is given to me by someone i don't desire back. I don't need money, i like it because it gives me some level of freedom (no matter how much i wish that weren't the case) but tangible things have never been my desire.
A girl I know said she would only accept an engagement ring from her boyfriend that valued at $20,000. I couldnt grasp this. I couldnt understand and i still cant. How can people feel that life is measured by things?

What ive learnt is that it is the spaces in between the stuff and things that make up our lives.

"When i look at a tree i don't look at the leaves, but the light that shines in between them"

My dad told me that quote yesterday and it made perfect sense.

Sleep

I have nightmares alot, usually about snakes or trying to fly away from something that never seems to make sense in the morning. My most common is running away from a large faceless man, i never know what it wants to do to me but i know it isnt good. I need to get away. I run to my house thinking it should be safe there but the door never locks, i try to hold it closed, sometimes Nigel is there too trying to help me shut it out, i say "it" because i know its not a man, its an energy, a memory. Every time the door opens and its about to burst through i wake up and i cry or shake and Nigel is there to make me feel ok but the feeling stays for a long time afterwards.
There is no worse fear than whatever it is thats chasing me but sometimes i wish i could stay asleep so in my dream i could face it, let it get me or show itself so maybe the nightmares would go away and i could understand why my dream world is so incredibly different to how i feel when i'm awake.

As the Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.

I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

Charles Bukowski

Monday

Listening to Nigel play guitar
Bike riding
Playing the guitar when nobody is around
101.7 FM
Not having nightmares
Feeling sane
6 drinks instead of 30
Mayble lying next to me

Nihilism, Tell me more..

"Someone who rejects all theories of religion, An absolute skeptic; a person who believes in the truth of nothing.
A sense that everything is unreal
complete denial of all established authority and institutions
The deliberate refusal of belief, to the point that belief itself is rejected as untenable.
Extreme skepticism, maintaining that nothing has a real existence.

the belief that there is no universal truth or underlying reality that undergirds moral values; that ultimately existence is meaningless. From the Latin "nihil" or "nothing".

Sounds depressing to some, but intriguing as fuck to me.

CONFIDE IN ME

Ultimately this is my belief; life is a jumble of meaningless moments, a clumsy coming together of events that make for a hilarious story (our lives). We are simply advanced mammals, intelligent and incredibly lucky to be so. But there is no higher meaning. None. We live/we die. I am lucky to have been born, if my parents fucked a few hours later, or dad drank another beer, or mum cooked dinner before they had sex i wouldnt be here, and that would be ok because who the fuck would know the difference?? Life would have gone on without my existence and maybe Aimee Vincent would be Andrew Vincent.
Life is beautiful, i love living, i love the earth and the sunshine, i even love people when theyre not pissing me off but that doesnt mean that i have to credit any of that to powers outside of things i can see and feel. I credit the beauty of the earth, to EARTH (funnily enough). I believe in the scientific creation of the universe, and THAT is fucking beautiful to me.. I dont need to search for something else outside of the grass and the animals, oceans and islands to make me believe that life is beautiful or meaningful.

The truth that everyone searches for is; there is no truth. Just a clumsy coming together of events.