Ive always rubbed people the wrong way. Always. Ever since school people would misconstru what I meant, not understand my jokes and take them as insults or take a vacant glance as a deathly glare.
My therapist came to the conclusion it was because physically I intimidate people due to my height and kind of odd looks. So before i even open my mouth people have some sort of opinion of me.. I guess thats the way of the world though and by no means do I think I have never given people a reason to disslike me. I mean ive been a pretty fucked up person. Throughout adolesence I was angry, violent and pretty much a fucking menace to be around. It was like all the years of feeling lesser than and picked on boiled up into this steaming volcano in side me that once fueld by a bottle of vodka would erupt into well...my wrath.
As ive always mentioned in previous entries, im not blind to my behaviour and I know i have hurt alot of people in the past. For this I am sorry and I do wish I could take back most of what I did throughout those tumultuous years. But to put it bluntly, that aint me anymore.
Im fucking joyous man, I couldnt be any happier. Life is good, sweet, beautiful..whatever and I'm abetter person because of this. When I drink now I get the giggles, I dance with my friends, we create a little world for ourselves that noone else can really penetrate so it kinda blows my mind when people still to this day assume the worst of me. Dont get me wrong, i get it. I do. There are stories flowing through this small ass town and a reputation I cant shake but im an adult, as are we all, so if ive done something wrong, something I am most probably completely oblivious to... do ya mind just telling me? Pull me aside, give me a call, send me a message, SOMETHING! instead of prompting school yard reactions to something I dont even know ive done.
Sydney, you spectacularly gorgeous girl, this is what you do to people. As much as I love this city...You spur on one small fucking town mentality that, at times, makes it impossible to enjoy You!
The issue with society, especially in the younger generations, is that we let things fester. We assume, or listen to one version of a story and then that is somehow defined as the truth. But there are 2 sides, did ya know?
We seem to forget this most often when our friends tell us something. It becomes gospel. I have been guilty of this as im sure we all have. But is life really so busy, are we all so flat out getting drunk and having fun that it takes too much time to ask, or to come to ones OWN conclusion??
Yes, we're pack animals, we prefer to roam together, play together, make opinions together...but lets be honest, its all just school yard shit and we all act so happy to be independent adults and solo thinkers, yet we still judge one another on the words of a friend, we all stand up for our friends without a second thought, and although these seems like admirable traits, sometimes, they arent right.
I dont know why I get so worked up, or analyse situations to the point of sending myself just a little bit crazy. I guess its because i know how much ive changed, and I know I am now a different person to who I was back then...Sometimes I just wish I had the opportunity for everyone else to understand that too.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Nigel
I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
-Bukowski
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
-Bukowski
fuckya
Youre fake. You have to know it, I mean in the dark quietness as you lay down to sleep you have to have moments of clarity... dont you?
Perhaps thats why I find it so hard to be around you sometimes, because I have seen your moments of insincerity and quietly it has disgusted me. But with each lie, insult or judgement you make I brush it off as momentary, fleeting, just some immature thing that doesnt define who you really are. I justify it for you as though there is always some reason to be an asshole.
But maybe, just maybe you really are JUST an asshole.
Perhaps thats why I find it so hard to be around you sometimes, because I have seen your moments of insincerity and quietly it has disgusted me. But with each lie, insult or judgement you make I brush it off as momentary, fleeting, just some immature thing that doesnt define who you really are. I justify it for you as though there is always some reason to be an asshole.
But maybe, just maybe you really are JUST an asshole.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
2012
Today I skipped down the hall. Quite literally skipped down the hallway to my desk and plopped joyously into my chair. Thankfully my day job is solitary and there is never anybody around to see these off the cuff displays of sheer delight.
And that is how I would describe my life of late; delightful.
2011 was a tumultous year, an inexplicable, unequivocal, overwhelming emotional roller coaster. Moments of all consuming happiness shadowed by some of the most intense saddness I have ever felt. The juxtaposition of my life, the beach in torrential rain.
Yet through the saddness there was never a moment when I slipped, never a moment when it all became too much and I thought for even one second of giving up. Through every dark shadow I could see the sunshine at the other end, and this is something I have never felt before. I am hopeful. And I can see without a doubt all of the beauty in my life and i'm no longer afraid of it.
...I am living in the future I always dreamed of, and now that i'm here everything that came before seems worth it.
I cant wait to see what happens next.
And that is how I would describe my life of late; delightful.
2011 was a tumultous year, an inexplicable, unequivocal, overwhelming emotional roller coaster. Moments of all consuming happiness shadowed by some of the most intense saddness I have ever felt. The juxtaposition of my life, the beach in torrential rain.
Yet through the saddness there was never a moment when I slipped, never a moment when it all became too much and I thought for even one second of giving up. Through every dark shadow I could see the sunshine at the other end, and this is something I have never felt before. I am hopeful. And I can see without a doubt all of the beauty in my life and i'm no longer afraid of it.
...I am living in the future I always dreamed of, and now that i'm here everything that came before seems worth it.
I cant wait to see what happens next.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Are we always the same, eternally unable to escape the dark past, the promiscuous past, the saddness, the bad times that haunt us. Are we one thing forever? is this what you are telling me?
If so then what would be the point in continuing, never growing, never learning, always remaining the same; stagnant and small.
Should I have thrown down my sword a long time ago and given up? i could've thrown myself under a bus, hung myself from a tree to spare you the disgust of having to see me happy. Would this have made more sense to you?
Is my life before so unforgivable? did i do something so atrocious that happiness should always abate me? What do I deserve if you fucking know me so well...Tell me; what do i deserve?
There is no logic in cruelty, the way it flows from some people seems completely natural as though it just couldn't be any other way.. this in itself should make what these people say useless and redundant. But it doesn't. Cruelty is cruelty and pain is pain. We cant escape the effects no matter how much we think we have grown or how adult we thought we had become. I still feel the little girl who was picked on at school, her endless confusion as to why people were so fucking mean.. I feel the lost teenager, the scared teenager, the wild teenager. the emerging adult, the newlywed, the happiness, the unkindness of others and the current disappointment in other people.
What people say shouldn't matter but when some fat fuck is demoralising what should be the best moment in anyones life, spouting words they have no right to speak about me, about us.. then what more is there than disappointment. What more is there than brushing yourself off and continuing?
Yeah, i've made mistakes, plenty of them and i own each and every one of them. But all you are is one big fucking mistake who makes no apologies, full of hatred and nastiness...
what a miserable fucking existence.
If so then what would be the point in continuing, never growing, never learning, always remaining the same; stagnant and small.
Should I have thrown down my sword a long time ago and given up? i could've thrown myself under a bus, hung myself from a tree to spare you the disgust of having to see me happy. Would this have made more sense to you?
Is my life before so unforgivable? did i do something so atrocious that happiness should always abate me? What do I deserve if you fucking know me so well...Tell me; what do i deserve?
There is no logic in cruelty, the way it flows from some people seems completely natural as though it just couldn't be any other way.. this in itself should make what these people say useless and redundant. But it doesn't. Cruelty is cruelty and pain is pain. We cant escape the effects no matter how much we think we have grown or how adult we thought we had become. I still feel the little girl who was picked on at school, her endless confusion as to why people were so fucking mean.. I feel the lost teenager, the scared teenager, the wild teenager. the emerging adult, the newlywed, the happiness, the unkindness of others and the current disappointment in other people.
What people say shouldn't matter but when some fat fuck is demoralising what should be the best moment in anyones life, spouting words they have no right to speak about me, about us.. then what more is there than disappointment. What more is there than brushing yourself off and continuing?
Yeah, i've made mistakes, plenty of them and i own each and every one of them. But all you are is one big fucking mistake who makes no apologies, full of hatred and nastiness...
what a miserable fucking existence.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Dream weaver.
I flew to L.A and it only took an 2 hours, we were in this huge house with steel doors trying to decide what flavoured ice cream to eat, turns out they were all variations of the same flavour which irritated me to no end. The mood was questionable because we were both unsure what we were doing there... We traipsed through this more than spacious mansion feeling unsure about it’s intentions.
The house seemed like an enclosed world, as though everything within it was separate from anything else in existence. This was both comforting and unsettling at the same time.
Suddenly the mood became very ominous and we knew there were ferocious Lions and Tigers outside the house (which by this stage had become a secluded fortress enshrouded in forest land) There was only one room with lighting and it reminded me of the movie Aladdin, warm golden light with a rich red splayed across the Persian rugs. We lounged amongst the huge golden cushions until the steel door protecting us started shaking and we could hear loud guttural growls coming from outside. Next thing we knew the giant paw of an abnormally large tiger wrenched the door from its hinges and was ferociously swiping at us. The Aladdin room was the only place I wanted to be so we tried to push the door shut and protect ourselves from the animal.
After a long time of battling with something we knew would never give up it’s head came through the steel door; growling, hissing and spitting... a cross between a living tiger and one of those old Chinese depictions of one. We knew this was no ordinary animal, it was demonic. We fled to the dark rooms that felt completely foreign. Everything was unknown and ventured into for the first time. The feeling of complete isolation engulfed me; I couldn’t tell someone where I am even if I wanted to...
The darkness was alive;sentient and suddenly it became clear that this had all been some elaborate plan, we'd been lured to this place where nothing else existed and the longer we stayed the further we were from reality. Nobody could hear you there and secrets didn’t exist because there was noone else around to hide things from.
The house was floating through space, before the creation of planets, matter, being. It hadn’t been built, it just was.
The tigers were the fear of the unknown personified. Strong, constant and unable to stop of their own accord. All that was left to do was run. Hiding in dark corner after dark corner, trapped in the expansive space that made no sense.
Suddenly I was at the airport; you had become really small clad in orange. You were someone else while remaining yourself and I was unsure who I was at all.
I had to find my family or something familiar before I ceased to exist all together.
The escalators were steep and seemingly endless, leading somewhere I couldn’t see. But this didn’t frighten me after what I had just been through. I ran up and up and up until my legs burned and my chest ached, tired and sweaty but still willing to get to the end of whatever this journey was.
Above me appeared a playground with a sea saw, merry go round and a bark covered floor. Nigel was there, but he wasn’t Nigel- not the one I’d known before, however I was too tired to question him. I fell at the feet of this new man and tried to sleep under the merry go round as it grazed the top of my shoulder with each turn. Nobody else existed, but I was too tired to care.
The house seemed like an enclosed world, as though everything within it was separate from anything else in existence. This was both comforting and unsettling at the same time.
Suddenly the mood became very ominous and we knew there were ferocious Lions and Tigers outside the house (which by this stage had become a secluded fortress enshrouded in forest land) There was only one room with lighting and it reminded me of the movie Aladdin, warm golden light with a rich red splayed across the Persian rugs. We lounged amongst the huge golden cushions until the steel door protecting us started shaking and we could hear loud guttural growls coming from outside. Next thing we knew the giant paw of an abnormally large tiger wrenched the door from its hinges and was ferociously swiping at us. The Aladdin room was the only place I wanted to be so we tried to push the door shut and protect ourselves from the animal.
After a long time of battling with something we knew would never give up it’s head came through the steel door; growling, hissing and spitting... a cross between a living tiger and one of those old Chinese depictions of one. We knew this was no ordinary animal, it was demonic. We fled to the dark rooms that felt completely foreign. Everything was unknown and ventured into for the first time. The feeling of complete isolation engulfed me; I couldn’t tell someone where I am even if I wanted to...
The darkness was alive;sentient and suddenly it became clear that this had all been some elaborate plan, we'd been lured to this place where nothing else existed and the longer we stayed the further we were from reality. Nobody could hear you there and secrets didn’t exist because there was noone else around to hide things from.
The house was floating through space, before the creation of planets, matter, being. It hadn’t been built, it just was.
The tigers were the fear of the unknown personified. Strong, constant and unable to stop of their own accord. All that was left to do was run. Hiding in dark corner after dark corner, trapped in the expansive space that made no sense.
Suddenly I was at the airport; you had become really small clad in orange. You were someone else while remaining yourself and I was unsure who I was at all.
I had to find my family or something familiar before I ceased to exist all together.
The escalators were steep and seemingly endless, leading somewhere I couldn’t see. But this didn’t frighten me after what I had just been through. I ran up and up and up until my legs burned and my chest ached, tired and sweaty but still willing to get to the end of whatever this journey was.
Above me appeared a playground with a sea saw, merry go round and a bark covered floor. Nigel was there, but he wasn’t Nigel- not the one I’d known before, however I was too tired to question him. I fell at the feet of this new man and tried to sleep under the merry go round as it grazed the top of my shoulder with each turn. Nobody else existed, but I was too tired to care.
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