Tuesday

Sometimes life is too good that it feels like a theres sex happening inside me. Like people are really doing it to eachother good and proper inside my guts, and its all i can do to not run on the spot, jump in the air and say thankyou!
Thankyou for love, thankyou for friendship, thankyou for Kates drunk phone calls and ariels late night chats. Thankyou for Tiahs Baby bump, thankyou for patience, thankyou for conversations with wise, intelligent people. Thankyou for intelligence in general! Thankyou for sunshine, thankyou for the breeze and the tree's and the warm night time air. Thankyou for nigel, our home and my Mayble.


Life is a choice, a series of important choices. We can be light, or dark, we can let the big bad world eat us up and spit us out, we can be closed to what is around or we can embrace all the beautiful things that still exist and grow everyday. We can let the good define us, instead of the bad.
We can try to make a final choice but that won't prevail because the path is always changing. But thats what makes everything real and worth embracing.

Today is a good day, a great day. There will still be bad ones, but I know there will be days like this again and again and again and again which makes life so undoubtedly worth living.


Life is too radical to be wasted around those who can't see it.

You lost another friend.
When does it end? When do you see that its not everybody else,

its you.

ES EE EX

I talk about this alot with my boyfriend and male friends who all say they couldnt tell me whether or not they had made a girl come before in a one night stand. And when you dont know, most likely it didnt happen.
So whats the issue? that the men arent good in bed? that the women arent comfortable enough to get off? or that both parties are so out of touch with eachother and with themselves that it was never going to happen in the first place?
The last one.
sure there are situations in which one party is just useless in bed, but on the whole i think that our perceptions and ideals about sex are worked into us from such a young age that sexual comforatabilty and the ability to know what you want and how to get it has become a rarity.
We are never told about orgasms at school. We are taught that a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina and when they love eachother very much they have sex and this makes a baby.
What we arent taught about are all the years before and in between that, when babies are the last thing on our minds and all we want to do is fuck.
We arent taught about masturbation or sex as a pleasurable experience. sure, maybe we are told that sex will feel good, but we arent told that we will crave it, that for alot of people it will become one of the most important aspects of their lives for a long time.
We arent told about the complexities of sex for women, and its a fucking complex thing. sex for women is about the emotional and mental side of the situation as much as it is about the physicality. You will be hard pressed to find a woman who can sleep with a man she has no particular attraction to, no history, no feelings and no connection with and get off.
Young girls arent taught about masturbation, unless its by their parents, which still to this day i think would be rare. And i believe this is why so many girls are losing their virginity so young and sleeping around to such an extent yet never really doing it for themselves..
at our age the point of sex is to get off. Simple as that. Both parties want and should be able to come. So why arent they?
why are boys still going out with the desire to pick someone up to fuck when they themselves have no idea how to have sex?
It can only ever be amazing, (and it SHOULD be amazing), when you know what youre doing and you know what you want which i dont think alot of 30 year olds even know nowadays.
What needs to be changed is our initial welcome into sex, which is at school. Girls escpecially need to be taught that they are capable of feeling as good, if not better than the man they are sleeping with and that when they do start having sex it should be because THEY want to feel good, not because they are trying to make another person feel good. And THAT is one of the hugest issues of today, the fact that girls are losing their virginity and sleeping around yet never getting off.
This is one of the hugest problems, female masturbation is still fairly tabboo. Young boys get boners all the time and always have their hands down their pants so its somehow more acceptable to talk about young boys wanking, whereas because of the difference in methods and that it has seemed a far more secret act for girls for so many years we dont really tell them it is ok. If we saw our little girl with their hand down their pants it would be our first reaction to tell them never to do that, but what we should be doing is making her feel comfotable to do whatever she wants but making sure its always safe and away from people.
Kids are so in touch with their bodies, we are born without insecurities and without self image, these things are burnt into us later by the media, our peers, society and other peoples issues. When we are little we dont give a shit about any of that and these are the years in which we are learning about ourselves. So why discourage it?
The fact that some of my closest friends say they have never had an orgasm, and these are girls in their 20's who have slept with their fair share of men, this upsets me, because to be sexually aware and sexually satisfied is a great thing, and to be denied of it seems fucking ridiculous.
The search for all that shit needs to start at childhood before we are cemented in our beliefs and insecurities about sex. We need to teach our kids the facts about sex, the ones that are relevant to the time of life that sex seems most important, which is their adolescents, and we need to teach girls to feel good about themsleves and their bodies! To be comfortable in telling people how they feel and what they want, not laying silently accepting only what they are presented with, or pretending to like something that they dont really, whats the point in that? the boy will never learn, the girl will never learn and you will never get a good experience. Sex is mutual and should be treated as such.
Thats all an inability to orgasm is; a struggle to feel comfortable, lack of insight into yourself or the belief that sex is all about the boy, which it isnt. At all. And when all things can be changed and improved by openness and truth-why is it so difficult to do so?

Envy...

..I dont know when you grow out of it or if you ever fully do. Its an emotion that lots of people dont recognise, or try to hide underneath compliments and a forced smile. I've always been able to see envy, but i've never really been very envious of anybody. There have been times, ecspecially in my childhood when i wished I had more money and wondered why life had been so good to some of the other kids around me. But i suppose now i realise that didnt have to do much with envy at all, more everybody elses projection of normality. I believed i was so differnet because everybody told me i was, lots of people at my school were pretty well off and i guess i felt like i had to be differnt in order to ever truly be accepted, truth be known alot of my childhood with my mum on a single parent pension and living in housing commision was spent playing with the other grubby kids that were like me, having fun, climbing tree's, telling fake stories and being fairly ignorant to any other desire than the desire for fun. However i suppose when you get a bit older, and everyone around you starts to notice that life is fairly tangible and things of monetary value are actually considered important; perceptions can change, ecspecially of ones self.
Thats where insecurity stems from, which of course in turn breeds envy. "I can see what i feel i lack in someone else, and i want it"
The same applies to superficial perceptions of course. The way we look and feel about ourselves physically. Thats all envy is about, feeling we lack something within ourselves.
I've never really felt envy about superficial things, the way some people get when they want to look a way they dont, or cant. Women are one of the most well formed beautiful things that were created, so to hate or feel contempt for someone you find desireable or attractive baffles me. To see another woman succeeding, feeling beautiful, looking beautiful; that is an accomplishment, something to be admired and respected instead of frowned upon due to our own feelings of self worth. Its never been looks that i envied, never. I can look at a beautiful girl and admire what she has, what her parents gave her. What i find more enviable are talents and insightfulness. Or confidence and self assurance. This is because these are things i feel i lack and things i desire. I do not have a problem with the way i look, my philosophy is we are what we are, why cry over something that cant be changed, I am more than happy with my physicality because i am strong, healthy, and well adjusted to who i am on the outside. Its the inside i have always had issues with, hence why when i see a woman who has conquered her demons, is intelligent, strong, witty and open I suppose in a way i do feel envy, because these are things i have yet to accomplish fully for myself.
Envy is an extension of our own insecurities and i suppose thats why people with little insight into themselves always seem to be the most envious. For example; Lads.
Generally, and i do mean GENERALLY they arent the most intelligent of sub cultures, hence the bashing of people for their belongings and the insults to attractive girls. Why would a young girl insult another on the street? Someone theyd never met before?? because something is happening in their subconcious that they dont understand. They are recognising something in this girl that they cant see in themselves.
I remember years ago, when i was about 15 i went out for Mardi Gras and was drinking in Hyde Park, i got into some kind of fight with this group of Nautica clad girls and one of them screamed "look at you in your short skirt". Ok, i was a 15 year old girl, are we supposed to wear full body jumpsuits or matching Wu-Tang tracksuits? So i said "im a girl..."
The thing is it wasnt that she was jealous of me or the fact that I was wearing a short skirt that annoyed her, it was the fact that she wasnt comfortable enough in herself to wear one and she most likely, subconciously or not, wished she could. But having such little insight into herself and her emotions those feelings re-directed themselves into hatred for me.
At the time i just thought she was a crazy, muscly, woman hater. Of course i now know that not to be the case.

Envy is pointless, redundant. With the energy it takes to fuel it you may aswell run on the spot for 10 minutes because it achieves nothing.
I wish people, girls ecspecially could learn these lessons earlier, before their body image is morphed and poisoned. Before they start to hate someone else because their 5 kilos lighter, or have longer hair. As corny and over used as it is, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder we need to worry about is ourselves.
The tall girl feels awkward because of her height, the short girl feels awkward because of her weight. The grass is always greener, and we always desire the things we cant have. So why do it?
When i grew up a bit and realised because of my poor childhood i now appreciate everything i have, i can relate to people of any walk of life, i am wiser and more empathetic because of it; I became thankful for missing out on things when i was little because it made me more of the person i respect.
When i look in the mirror i see a strong, healthy girl, but more importantly i see myself. What I look like. The universe doesnt care whether you like your outside or not, and you cant change it so we may aswell love what we were given, and feel happy for everybody else who does too.

Being envious is fucking lame.

?

3 stages of love..

Lust, Physical attraction and Emotional Attachment


"Romantic feelings or lust is the first stage of love. Romantic love is driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage of love; it creates strong physical attraction and sets the stage for emotional attachment. In this stage of love, endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you. In this stage of love you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout). You feel infatuated in this stage of love.


Physical attraction and power struggles make up the second stage of love (the "lovesick" phase). You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. In this stage of love, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is where the power struggles come in. In this stage of relationship, you're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about things like whether or not to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infatuation fade.

Emotional attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment involves commitment, partnership, and even children (a fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). In this stage of love, you're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage of love (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage of love). You and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits. - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen "





I believe that when you reach the point of emotional attachment and unconditional acceptance it takes you back to the begining, when your hormones were out of control, when you felt like your heart is almost beating for this person and nobody else exists, because its a whole new thing, its the natural human desire for companionship at its highest, when you realise this person can see you, really see you, no bullshit lies or masks of make up or fancy trickery. Just you. And everything is ok with them, even the bad. It can bring back to the initial desire and intensity you felt for the person in the begining because its a whole differnt thrill. the feeling of comfortability to be who you are with no restrictions and feeling safe in exposing those parts of yourself that nobody else really see's.
I used to think love was about intensity and this all encompassing feeling that almost ate you up, but that isnt love, that is lust, that is romantic attraction, it is the desire FOR emotional attachement and unconditional acceptance yet to no prevail. Meaning; when love is crazy like that it has reached a point of no extension. Either one party is willing to stay in the point of lust and never move forward, or there was nowhere to move to in the first place.

We can get lost inside love if it doesnt give us what we want, if it cant accept us and our flaws, because ultimately in this society today with all the fancy bullshit and distractions all we truly want is for someone to accept us, want us, love us and only us, Unconditionally.

I like this view...