I.O.U

Everybody's life goes on. Late nights, girls nights, cocktails, red wine, all the things I loved to do are now being done without me. It's ok, this isn't a lament - infact I still enjoy hearing all about it, the dramas in which I could have been embroiled, the gossip sessions that i'm sure I would have been a guest star in had life continued as it were. But here I am, in bed at 9.30 having spent the afternoon baking breakfast muffins and banana loaves, reading obsessively and watching documentaries about serial killers while falling in and out of sleep. The odd phone call and catch up reminds me that life outside remains the same and to not feel sad that it carries on as always regardless of my absence. Perhaps there had been a small part of me that thought life would be just that little more mundane without my mental behaviour at 3am, but there's always someone else ready to step up when necessary.

Obviously motherhood is life changing, however pregnancy is deceptive because although in a few short weeks my baby will be here and I will have embarked on real life, actual motherhood, right now I just feel like me; same old, able bodied me capable of doing all the things I used to yet restricted in the most important way possible..

The funny thing is, I dont actually miss it, I dont even wish I could be there, infact when I think deeply enough about it all I let out this big, relieved sigh of 'thaaaaank fuck'... because when would it have ended- the sleepless nights and unrellenting search for what would complete me? It wouldn't have because I was too blind to see that it was all right here, right infront of my stupid face, as I gazed into the abyss furiously searching for more, more, more the more I wanted was waiting patiently for me at home, waiting quietly in some little space inside me never arrogant enough to pipe up and yell "hey idiot, keep yourself company tonight, forget the bottle"
Of course this is my life, my story and by no means do I ever look down my nose at my friends choices, infact I cannot stand high and mighty pregnant women/mothers who scoff at their childless friends, mock their freedom and choices through some jaded belief that motherhood is the only path worth walking, because lets be honest - we all know that seering judgement i've heard so many times is laced with just a dash of jealousy and nostalgia. If only we could all admit that then perhaps the strain that can sometimes be put on mothers and their childless friends would be lifted.
The minute we are made aware of that baby inside us - life as we know it is over and that probably scares the living shit out of alot of women, just like it did me. But instead of looking down the barrel of the pregnancy gun and admitting "hey maybe there are some things I didnt get to do"or "gee willickers i might actually miss getting shit faced sometimes" alot of us merely scoff at our old lives, and I dont want to be that person. Because frankly it all had a time and a place and everyone makes their own choices due to their own story, for me in particular the path I was walking prior to my baby being concieved just didnt suit me anymore, I knew it deep down however everything was so engrained in what I knew as "my journey" that I had trouble breaking out of it on my own, I looked for answers in all the wrong places -
I looked for answers in my history, my parents, the bottle. I looked for answers where there werent any and spent so much time looking outside of myself that I had no idea who I really was..
..Dont get me wrong, I dont know exactly who I am right now, but we've been introduced, we're starting a dialogue and i'm beginning to think perhaps, just perhaps I'm actually not too bad of a gal.
As for pregnancy, well its been the biggest adventure of my life thus far, bigger and more important than any second that came before and the reason for this is because my baby has given me the gift of insight already, shes given me the gift of life without blinders and I owe her big time.

Ew

I just looked at someone I used to be in love with and felt grossed out. Not in a jealous, bitchy way just literally kind of grossed out by them. The look of them. Nothing meaningful happened, I just stumbled across a photo and thought 'yuck'.
This is a fairly momentus occasion for me, because I used to be petrified of that feeling, as though once we love we must always have some semblance of that passion for the person otherwise what was the point? I can't believe this is the feeling I was so afraid of, not disdain or hatred, instead its just actual nothingness laced with a small dash of repulsion.
For years I would cling to romantic sentiments and washed up memories that lost meaning eons ago but would replay in my mind like some sad old Roy Orbison record. Even when happy and in love with my beautiful husband there would still be moments of nostalgia because my ridiculous brain that romantisizes EVERYTHING refused to see what was blantantly infront of it; someone I am neither mentally or physically attracted to ONE iota.

Halloween 2012

Tonight is the first night i've truly wanted to go out since I fell pregnant. On a Saturday. At night. And the only reason for this is it's Halloween and my favourite time of year. Instead I had Milk and Cookies while watching "Friends with Kids"

I havent missed it at all, "going out", infact this time of sobriety has been such a revelation and I couldnt be more thankful to my baby for giving me that gift, but god damn, I would have loved a cider in the sun today followed by gratuitous dress ups and a disgusting night out.
She's squirming in my stomach as I write this, reminding me I may feel left out or lonely, but I am never actually alone.
Remembering that makes any night out or halloween costume seem redundant.

Family ties

So 8 months now, and my, how the bloody time has flown. Everyone told me 'time flies' but of course I didnt believe it, always so impatient I thought i'd be pregnant forever, that i'd never show and never feel her move as much as I wanted to. But here it is, almost time for her to arrive and it feels like this mad dash to the finish line, as though we're on one of those game shows where you have to rush through the aisles of Kmart or Target and grab as much shit as you possibly can before the timer buzzes you out.

We've become Gumtree.com addicts, sometimes I dont even know what i'm looking for yet i'm still looking. I still find myself perusing the pet rescue page every now and then swooning over puppies, kittens and rabbits - having to remind myself that soon my life will be, in a word, "dominated" by this new little creature we created and my fantasies of a menagerie will have to go on hold. Luckily Nigel "The Voice Of Reason" is always there to bring me down from my perch. I hope our baby has equal parts of us and isnt only her mothers daughter, otherwise we'll be drowning in animals by the time shes five.
I feel her moving all the time, strong determined movements as though theres not enough space anymore, which i'm sure there isnt. Sometimes she does funny things like moves in a pattern or does her "practice breathing" movements, she seems to have the hiccups at least 4 or 5 times a day, they're getting so strong now that I can almost hear them. Of course I cant really but they're so clear and forceful that they couldnt possibly be confused for something else anymore.
She makes me happy, already. We play little games now where she sticks her foot out and I tickle it, she pulls it away but sticks it back out again so I tickle it some more, sometimes she gets annoyed because I keep stroking her or poking her back so she squirms over to the otherside trying to get out of my reach. I cant wait to play these games when I can see her so she can look at me with interest and learn my face as i'll learn hers.
Shes already keeping me entertained, all day everyday. I even know what songs she likes. On Sunday we lay infront of the balcony doors with the sun streaming in and listened to music together, I know the songs she likes because she settles when I play them, when she doesnt like one she'll kick and squirm, so I change it to something more calming. Everyday is an adventure, every day is something new and exciting that we all share together, as though already we have created this little world that consists only of us and anyone else whose allowed in would have to be the luckiest person alive!

There is of course some fear, because what do I know about babies, i've barely even held someone elses let alone my own, but at the same time I feel in my heart that it will all be ok. When I walk into our home now all i feel is love, it oozes from the walls, to the kitchen, through the photos, our bedroom, the Nursery, all the way to our new spice rack. Its everywhere because we've made it so, it has become the type of home I wish I could have grown up in, secure and noisy with the smell of warm dinners wafting through the house every night at 7pm.
Life is becoming a wonderland, and the only thing that could possibly make it anymore complete will be our baby.
Family <3

Speak no evil

To me words are the greatest weapon of all, they have and always will be my power to express how I feel and have someone really understand. I relish in literary expression and when I read a good book can be truly transported into it, I feel lucky to have that ability because it's an escape not everyone can utilise. I know the power of my own words which is why I have learnt to tame them in a way. I used to be vicious, say things that perhaps I meant but should never say. If I wanted to hurt people with them, I would. And it wasnt until I realised the depth with which they could hurt a person I taught myself to hold them back. To this day I remember the hurtful things my father said to me as a child, or the flippent off the cuff remarks my grandmother would make about my appearance, I especially remember the things ex lovers have said in their darkest hours when all they wanted to do was break my heart. If you respect words then its almost impossible to forget them once theyve been spoken, which is why I find it so difficult to truly forgive those who have used theirs against me. I'm over analytical and at times this can mean I am unforgiving. Sometimes I wish it wasnt so, I wish I could let things wash over me and move on without the burden of memory. But I suppose thats just who I am, and trying to be something else would be a lie.

Monday

I hear small children talk about wanting more, I see them playing on the road, kicking a ball, the girls at the end of my street are unable to go to school because their dad has no lunch for them, the small aboriginal boy lags behind his mother who swears at him obscenely and tells him to hurry up. I hear people tell them you can still be what you want to be, but when there is no one to guide you through the darkness everyday and you're still just a baby then how can you escape the swamp? They can't do it on their own. I want to tell them it will be ok, but I can make no guarantee's, I want to grab their little hands and give them all the things they need. I want to say I understand, that it sucks and i'm sorry for the card they've been dealt. But I don't. I was once like them, playing in the complex, stealing food to eat, waiting for mums next pension, waiting in line. Housing commission. Centrelink. I was once like them...but now i'm me, and I'm ok. So maybe they can be too. I'm not hurt or afraid, noone harms me, I have people who love me and they can have that too, they need to demand it and settle for nothing less. I want to say although i'll never forget where I came from, I will never let it define me. We are not our past. I just wish a young mind could understand that. I wish they knew how powerful they can be.

The waiting game

I'm six months along now (yesterday to be exact) and can't believe how quickly that time has gone. Ive adjusted to it all, the fluctuating belly, the (incredibly) weak bladder, the pubescent skin changes and the way my heart almost beats out of my chest when I stand up too quickly. Most importantly ive adjusted to the idea and now all thats left is excitement (and slight impatience) So today I was reading these stories of other mothers reactions to finding out they were pregnant and thought back to my own hysterical reaction as though it were a lifetime ago. I had started keeping this "Menstral Diary" - how very feminine of me - It was a free app that i'd downloaded when I went a little app crazy on my new iphone, it was kinda useful because after 11 years of getting my period I was still as useless as ever at keeping track of when to expect it and was shocked every single time it came. So i'd started keeping this stupid diary thing that also gave you the option to add when you had sex or any notes along the way like moods, weight, boob size etc. So as a semi joke i'd added in just this one random day Nigel and I had 'done the deed' and also of course when my last period was. I remember coming into work and talking to my friend Laura, telling her my period hadnt come and I couldnt think of why, I was 100% sure I wasn't pregnant because i'd done literally 6 tests that came back negative and I just didnt "feel" pregnant as such. So we threw around excuses and possibilities of confusion with dates and everything else a girl does when in denial. We came to the conclusion "It will come, its just late. IT HAPPENS!". On the morning of the March 19th I woke up and remembered I still had one pregnancy test down stairs from the plethora I had purchased when in my "i'm late" panic. Sat on the toilet, peed on the stick, placed it on the side of the bath and continued about my business. I was so sure it would be negative that I barely paid attention to it, I know a part of me wanted it to be positive which is why I was so flippent and assured of the negative result (all part of a defence mechanism I devised in childhood "never have high hopes so you can never be dissapointed") plus there had been so many negative results, as if this one would be any different! ....So I finally looked down and saw the faint second line that had been absent for weeks prior to this moment. It was faint, but it was there. My heart exploded into my throat, like a freight train of feelings flying through me a thousand miles an hour. I ran upstairs where Nigel was sleeping and declared "I'm pregnant!!" It was a statement laiden with hopefullness and fear, excitement and trepidation. I fell onto the bed and started crying uncontrollably. I went through so much last year, including the loss of a pregnancy that broke me in half for a long time, I went through so much that i thought if I had to go through anymore I mightn't make it, that maybe anymore saddness would just break me entirely and I would cease to exist. This was my fear...not the baby or the pregnancy, I never had any fear about my capabilities as a mother, I feared I may not get to be a mother at all. I flailed downstairs to call my best friend and splattered the words to her over the phone as she broke down and cried too, I have a feeling her reasons for this reaction were much the same as mine as she was there through all the shit of last year and knew I had only just recovered. Nigel being the sensible, patient man he is was calm throughout it all and suggested maybe not calling anyone else until we at least see a doctor, but me being me had already dialled my mum, then my nan and then forced the phone into Nigels hand so he could call his parents. Patience is definitely not one of my virtues. Throughout the fear was my joy, my hopefulness and sheer excitement. I couldn't possibly lose another baby, I thought, this one will work... and all these feelings flowed through me at the speed of light. Everyone told me to not get too excited, to wait until the three month mark before telling anyone just in case...just in case. But I knew this baby was ours, she would be strong because I would do everything in my power to make her so. The feelings that came afterwards were strange, I would describe it as a numbness that washed over me, it was as though the thrill melted away and suddenly I was numb to what was happening inside me, walls shot up and I wrapped myself in a concrete exterior that no baby talk or hopes for the future could penetrate. I realise now it was because I was so scared of losing her, everyday led me closer to the time I'd lost my last pregnancy and it was as though until i'd passed that milestone I could never truly relax and let myself feel for this baby inside me. That teamed with the intense morning sickness, depression due to hormonal changes and having to travel for work with early starts and late nights in a house that wasnt my own - I didnt know how i would last - I sunk into a depression faster than I knew possible and although I was being told "its the hormones, its the hormones" when you feel an emptiness like that nothing anybody says can make you believe it isn't real. I waited patiently for the 3 month mark because apparently thats when it all subsides, the sickness passes, the moods lift and you can begin to enjoy your pregnancy. Bullshit, I thought. How will these feelings ever pass? how will I ever stop feeling the urge to vomit every 10 seconds night and day? Impossible! But it did, it all passed. And come the 4th month I felt stronger and healthier than I ever have, I felt the past 3 months fall off me and my soul lit up again with all the hope I had felt that first day. Since then every day is an adventure, feeling her grow, watching myself grow. Feeling her tiny kicks for the first time and bursting into tears because its real! SHES REAL! Feeling her kick again for Nigel and watching his eyes well up with happiness. All these moments that I had wished for myself were coming true, all because of this tiny baby growing inside me. Now her kicks are strong and hard, sometimes I can feel her doing body rolls and what feels like somersaults, I watch my belly in amazement as I see her moving around inside me and I just cant wait to hold her, I cant wait for the day I feel those pains and know its time for her to arrive. I can't wait to have Nigel by my side, and for us both to hold our baby girl for the first time. He will be a magnificent father, so full of joy and love and fun. I am proud to have chosen such a wonderful man to be this babies dad, that is the first thing I have given her that I didn't get. I know he will cherish her as every girl deserves to be cherished, and that alone fills me with so much unexplainable gratitude. Together we will make sure she knows she is loved every single day, make her safe, make her proud and protect her from the things we had to see. I just can't wait to start the next chapter and bring you into the world, my darling daughter.